the breath of life is blown into me.
the creation unfolds slowly, "dormant" until the timing is perfect.
love, patience...
the cavern is warm, mysterious, dark, full of love.
the wind begins to hum, the unveiling is summoned.
my roots dig deep into the dirt; i shoot high into the cosmos.
light, sound, touch - oh! to be touched!!
being seen through love's gentle & timeless gaze.
who is that? oh, it is i, witnessing & adorning me!
the balance of conquering & allowing uninhibited growth, nourish my limbs.
vast expansion rings its song.
the buzzing, thorns, thistles.
the path up: treacherous.
the rains flow, the tempest sings.
the earth gapes open: the cliff leads to the edge.
i am swallowed by the omniscient cave.
Kali dances on my unconsciousness, destroying all overgrowth.
cradled by the womb.
newly cleansed.
the path down is of ease.
flowering, peace.
held by Pachamama,
known by the universe,
witnessed by existence.
--------------------------------------
she showed me beyond what my eyes allowed me to see.
turquoise & violet rays of light, shooting off a rainbow crystal.
the owl spread her wings to fly.
cross the delta: abundant fertility, reap the harvest, flourish in crossing, bring it to the people.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
arrow splinters stick in my side
Feb. 10/09
last night we wrapped it all up chez Fallen Angel. a couple Andean martinis too many sent me into bouts of comedy & performance. I’ve had several outbursts of loud laughter this week, a sure sign my body is releasing overwhelming emotions.
after I finished packing in my buzzed state, I heaved my suitcases from the attic & crawled into bed with Brook for some Harry Potter & ramen noodles. we passed out fairly quickly after that. i woke up a few hours later after a dream: I was staying at mom & dad’s, a cupboard above the fridge was packed with lindt chocolate (in reality representing all the chocolate Nick, Claire’s boyfriend, had brought us women when he arrived in Peru this week), and I wasn’t with H.
the dream had those “all too real” sensations attached to it, you know you’re awake, but there is no differentiation. right: this is real. sigh, this is so messed up…
in every minute, there are countless moments where my mind tries to process what is really going on. I know, but it is surreal. really? with her? really? at all?
what happened to you?
who are you?
the weight of your illusion finally cracked your camouflage.
i don't know you.
my ideal for traveling, whether geographically, on the edge or cosmically, is that there are always welcoming, loving arms to come back “home” to. so much pressure on that one person. so much unrequited excitement. I do have a wealth of love welcoming my presence no matter where my feet land. but I want it from that person who used to love me. looking back, i see how far away you've gone.
I’m barely sleeping anymore, definitely not through the night, internal upheaval, my appetite marks its limit quickly & my subconscious brain is flooded with peculiar dreams. even though I am dealing so well, that’s just it – I am dealing. surfing the waves as they arise and trying to keep the board under my body. some moments I’d rather be fighting sharks, battling giant squid or cooking fresh calamari on the beach under a galaxy of fireflies.
what is home anymore? “home is where the heart is” they say – what does that even mean? the Venus abode I created is now destroyed. i trusted my sanctuary to a free radical. i am homeless. my address has been reduced to a mailbox, no longer equating reprieve, as it too is tainted. I am still cleaning up debris from the demolishing of my heart; pieces of which are strewn in some sort of riddle.
this is so disorienting, unreal, erroneous, illusory…
I sway from sparkle to lackluster, tip-toeing on the edges of apathy despite the “no trespassing” signs.
an apathetic state is my decay.
last night we wrapped it all up chez Fallen Angel. a couple Andean martinis too many sent me into bouts of comedy & performance. I’ve had several outbursts of loud laughter this week, a sure sign my body is releasing overwhelming emotions.
after I finished packing in my buzzed state, I heaved my suitcases from the attic & crawled into bed with Brook for some Harry Potter & ramen noodles. we passed out fairly quickly after that. i woke up a few hours later after a dream: I was staying at mom & dad’s, a cupboard above the fridge was packed with lindt chocolate (in reality representing all the chocolate Nick, Claire’s boyfriend, had brought us women when he arrived in Peru this week), and I wasn’t with H.
the dream had those “all too real” sensations attached to it, you know you’re awake, but there is no differentiation. right: this is real. sigh, this is so messed up…
in every minute, there are countless moments where my mind tries to process what is really going on. I know, but it is surreal. really? with her? really? at all?
what happened to you?
who are you?
the weight of your illusion finally cracked your camouflage.
i don't know you.
my ideal for traveling, whether geographically, on the edge or cosmically, is that there are always welcoming, loving arms to come back “home” to. so much pressure on that one person. so much unrequited excitement. I do have a wealth of love welcoming my presence no matter where my feet land. but I want it from that person who used to love me. looking back, i see how far away you've gone.
I’m barely sleeping anymore, definitely not through the night, internal upheaval, my appetite marks its limit quickly & my subconscious brain is flooded with peculiar dreams. even though I am dealing so well, that’s just it – I am dealing. surfing the waves as they arise and trying to keep the board under my body. some moments I’d rather be fighting sharks, battling giant squid or cooking fresh calamari on the beach under a galaxy of fireflies.
what is home anymore? “home is where the heart is” they say – what does that even mean? the Venus abode I created is now destroyed. i trusted my sanctuary to a free radical. i am homeless. my address has been reduced to a mailbox, no longer equating reprieve, as it too is tainted. I am still cleaning up debris from the demolishing of my heart; pieces of which are strewn in some sort of riddle.
this is so disorienting, unreal, erroneous, illusory…
I sway from sparkle to lackluster, tip-toeing on the edges of apathy despite the “no trespassing” signs.
an apathetic state is my decay.
Friday, February 6, 2009
holding hands with the unknown
Feb. 6
the fire is burning, people are grooving, Pedico is on the djembe, Abel is on didgeridoo and I am squealing inside, happy! there is no place I’d rather be then sitting on my thin floor mattress, writing.
I have never felt so clear about who I am than right now. I have never felt so much love for the bonds of women and appreciation for our capacity to go deep with one another. together, we hang out on the edge and court the flux!
what happened with Makenna & Abel was a gift to us all; for me, I have greater understanding for how a community can be impacted. i couldn’t help but reflect on getting married away from that community. although it was the choice H & I made for us, it also had an underlying rebellious tone. there wasn’t much opportunity for our families to say anything, because all we would’ve heard was them trying to convince us for their sakes. no one likes to get off their position when in defense. and what is the point to being married in front of others? so that the community can bear witness to two people committing to one another and the couple can say “when your assistance is required, we’ll call on you”. my community is seen and unseen: I am completely supported in this physical reality by my blood family, my soul family, my beautiful women, past lovers, my teachers, Pachamama, this land, spirit, existence. just when I think I’ve felt so much love, more pours into this vessel!
the other day I mentally scolded myself, frustrated that I was “still” dealing with emotions of insecurity in relation to other women, feeling possessive & paranoid. I was relieved when I found about H, that my intuition hadn’t been taking me around that bend again – I was dead on, listening & taking action. I am actually done with those unjustifiable feelings!! of course my precious intuition wouldn’t fail me!! it never has, why would it now? telling someone they’re “off” in their intuition or simply discounting it, is such a harmful thing to do. as children it arises a lot, if they’re misguided, how will they stabilize in knowing themselves early on? it spins into going outside of oneself for validation, seeking another’s opinion & later lacking self-direction.
i made an agreement a long time ago to be an active seeker of truth, to constantly fertilize my growth & expansion, at no matter what cost. *I have an abundance in my bank account! I’m flipping the bill again, and know I will be alright, because I always am. I am one of the most resilient people I know, I soak it all up and shine only brighter in the world.
during last night’s ayahuasca ceremony (my 2nd one this week), I observed myself in a way I’d been waiting for. there was a large Peruvian woman, hunched-over, dressed in a dark green dress that cinched around her waist, with a dark green cloak that went past her face. I could only see her profile as she was heading up the side of a mountain and i was accompanying her. we got to the edge and below where a cliffside or valley would be, was my being in its massive nature, swirling, spinning in a vortex. she told me to look and at first I played small, to which she energetically whacked me with a broom, as grandma does. (Ayahuasca, aka “grandma”, has 5000 years experience with humans) I continued to observe, everything shifting through rainbows, angels, colours, magnificent beauty: I was engrained with knowing I am enough. I never need to morph into anyone else to be accepted, I need not change anything about me, I am perfect as I am. it’s not to say I won’t continue to expand, but that I meet existence in every moment, I am perfect for my existence. if worth ever comes up again, I know it is not mine. I’d had a similar experience while meditating in the fall, which showed me the grand picture of we are all one. this was much more personal.
I’ve found myself in new territory since having my internal knowledge confirmed; one of compassion for them both, love is flowing through me, clarity & wisdom are within, my being is flexible, flowing and ready. I agreed to hold hands with the unknown, but my ideal was within the context of the “known of the unknown” – that’s way more safe, lol. again, it ties to birth, which is completely full of unknown factors that people often try to predict, intercept, manage & control. oh boy, am I in the thick of the unknown right now!
this is also what I unconsciously agreed to with getting married, by making this trip to Peru. my life is moving more & more to the edge and I love sitting there, because I am capable. if I’d still been living in fear, I never would have come to Peru, instead I would’ve lived from “what if” and never left the house. and with marriage, by agreeing to understand all, knowing I would experience every feeling in the book, is this not part of it? I never expected this to happen, nor did i expect it would be an unchallenged journey – it’s not my style.
I choose midwifery, I choose to continue on, to never unplug my creative energy in response to fear of being alone (a-because i am never alone, b-because I love being alone). is this all not to break my conditioning, my beliefs, my past responses, my past lives? and what change would I commit to if I wasn’t coerced? why would a calc carb leave the comforts of her Venus home if it weren’t necessary? certainly a catalyst is necessary.
so I’ll give it time to unfold, time to unwind, time to be in the presence of love, time for me. I continue to trust this is all for what I cannot yet see, for each of us. I trust in the bigger picture.
you take your time to scale the wall you’ve hit up against. locate trust for me, trust to be honest with me. you could’ve told me instead of betraying our trust. what are the patterns that you are recreating? you shut your heart to me and opened it to her: is that what love would do?
the fire is burning, people are grooving, Pedico is on the djembe, Abel is on didgeridoo and I am squealing inside, happy! there is no place I’d rather be then sitting on my thin floor mattress, writing.
I have never felt so clear about who I am than right now. I have never felt so much love for the bonds of women and appreciation for our capacity to go deep with one another. together, we hang out on the edge and court the flux!
what happened with Makenna & Abel was a gift to us all; for me, I have greater understanding for how a community can be impacted. i couldn’t help but reflect on getting married away from that community. although it was the choice H & I made for us, it also had an underlying rebellious tone. there wasn’t much opportunity for our families to say anything, because all we would’ve heard was them trying to convince us for their sakes. no one likes to get off their position when in defense. and what is the point to being married in front of others? so that the community can bear witness to two people committing to one another and the couple can say “when your assistance is required, we’ll call on you”. my community is seen and unseen: I am completely supported in this physical reality by my blood family, my soul family, my beautiful women, past lovers, my teachers, Pachamama, this land, spirit, existence. just when I think I’ve felt so much love, more pours into this vessel!
the other day I mentally scolded myself, frustrated that I was “still” dealing with emotions of insecurity in relation to other women, feeling possessive & paranoid. I was relieved when I found about H, that my intuition hadn’t been taking me around that bend again – I was dead on, listening & taking action. I am actually done with those unjustifiable feelings!! of course my precious intuition wouldn’t fail me!! it never has, why would it now? telling someone they’re “off” in their intuition or simply discounting it, is such a harmful thing to do. as children it arises a lot, if they’re misguided, how will they stabilize in knowing themselves early on? it spins into going outside of oneself for validation, seeking another’s opinion & later lacking self-direction.
i made an agreement a long time ago to be an active seeker of truth, to constantly fertilize my growth & expansion, at no matter what cost. *I have an abundance in my bank account! I’m flipping the bill again, and know I will be alright, because I always am. I am one of the most resilient people I know, I soak it all up and shine only brighter in the world.
during last night’s ayahuasca ceremony (my 2nd one this week), I observed myself in a way I’d been waiting for. there was a large Peruvian woman, hunched-over, dressed in a dark green dress that cinched around her waist, with a dark green cloak that went past her face. I could only see her profile as she was heading up the side of a mountain and i was accompanying her. we got to the edge and below where a cliffside or valley would be, was my being in its massive nature, swirling, spinning in a vortex. she told me to look and at first I played small, to which she energetically whacked me with a broom, as grandma does. (Ayahuasca, aka “grandma”, has 5000 years experience with humans) I continued to observe, everything shifting through rainbows, angels, colours, magnificent beauty: I was engrained with knowing I am enough. I never need to morph into anyone else to be accepted, I need not change anything about me, I am perfect as I am. it’s not to say I won’t continue to expand, but that I meet existence in every moment, I am perfect for my existence. if worth ever comes up again, I know it is not mine. I’d had a similar experience while meditating in the fall, which showed me the grand picture of we are all one. this was much more personal.
I’ve found myself in new territory since having my internal knowledge confirmed; one of compassion for them both, love is flowing through me, clarity & wisdom are within, my being is flexible, flowing and ready. I agreed to hold hands with the unknown, but my ideal was within the context of the “known of the unknown” – that’s way more safe, lol. again, it ties to birth, which is completely full of unknown factors that people often try to predict, intercept, manage & control. oh boy, am I in the thick of the unknown right now!
this is also what I unconsciously agreed to with getting married, by making this trip to Peru. my life is moving more & more to the edge and I love sitting there, because I am capable. if I’d still been living in fear, I never would have come to Peru, instead I would’ve lived from “what if” and never left the house. and with marriage, by agreeing to understand all, knowing I would experience every feeling in the book, is this not part of it? I never expected this to happen, nor did i expect it would be an unchallenged journey – it’s not my style.
I choose midwifery, I choose to continue on, to never unplug my creative energy in response to fear of being alone (a-because i am never alone, b-because I love being alone). is this all not to break my conditioning, my beliefs, my past responses, my past lives? and what change would I commit to if I wasn’t coerced? why would a calc carb leave the comforts of her Venus home if it weren’t necessary? certainly a catalyst is necessary.
so I’ll give it time to unfold, time to unwind, time to be in the presence of love, time for me. I continue to trust this is all for what I cannot yet see, for each of us. I trust in the bigger picture.
you take your time to scale the wall you’ve hit up against. locate trust for me, trust to be honest with me. you could’ve told me instead of betraying our trust. what are the patterns that you are recreating? you shut your heart to me and opened it to her: is that what love would do?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
the vibrations of my existance
breathe a new breath.
that is what i can do, to be in action.
forgiveness has been coming on strong as of late, to let go of my own bitterness, the darkness i keep stowed in my heart, my insecurities....
Feb 4/09
it’s time for me to sit in the fire regarding my habits, patterns and psyche. I did a dangerous thing in Nov/07; I made midwifery & H my world. I’d always wanted to be able to fully give myself to something, someone? I’m not certain anymore where I was coming from at the time. I was conscious in my creation, but the origin of the desire had never been re-examined. I imagine the way a parent loves their child unconditionally, was the way of loving I wanted to offer “my world”. parents don’t always love unconditionally though, and I had been embodying a lot of negative habits, which have me offer what I output today. my ideal hasn’t been mastered yet, so in turn I clung, called “attention” love and continued my neediness, which has been spinning downward for the better part of the past year.
this game has me circling a pillar while the unconscious patterns I’m ready to expose are 2 steps ahead of me. I am done with the negativity-breeding machine and by suffocating it, it will be done with me. this is just the mind speaking though & therefore cannot be trusted in this conversation.
I am still clinging onto that one major person in my life. it began with mom; of course it’d be the person I didn’t even know I was separate from until months after being born – seems only natural! but then something else happened: somehow my world transferred into Kevin’s hands and after he left, to every boyfriend I ever had, and finally, H. am I still playing into “I will be abandoned?”, meanwhile I’ve known since I was 15yrs that my internal state would create my external state.
“you are good enough to be loved, you know that right? you are enough, your love (not your b.s.) but your actual love, is enough. you’re still clear with that, right? where is the incongruency hiding?"
my action was dangerous because it was my way of trapping H. you see in my mind (the original place of my lie) I always believed marriage was the sacred & binding contract that couldn’t be broken. but that’s only on my side – such things need to be reciprocated in order to work and even then, nothing is guaranteed.
most contracts are null & void when neglect or abuse are introduced. if I left my laptop in the sun & spilled water all over it, the repair cost would be billed to me, or it may even be fried beyond repair. by allowing sloppiness to play out without sticking to new habits to avoid future damage, I’ve caused irrevocable harm to H.
I see your resistance to me. I see my arm around your waste was fixed too tightly. I held your hand when you didn’t want to. I wanted kisses while in a state of seeking. I’ll want your love my way. I’ll force you to go where you’re not ready/willing (ie: tantra). I’ve not been straight up with my communication & I’ll manipulate you or the situation to obtain the answer I want.
I asked you to marry me, because I knew I’d always want to live life beside you. I also thought marriage would be our safety net, so that no matter how low or hard we fell, we’d be guaranteed a soft spot to cushion our tushes and a path to lead us out of the dark. I thought this nebulous safety net would ensure H & I would grow, expand, change into new people over & over while staying together. unless in the circus, (which right now I could plead to being in) safety nets are an illusion in themselves.
I advocate for women in birth to be met where they are – what a hypocrite!! I can’t even meet you where you are in every moment!
I am attention seeking at the core of it all; recognize me, validate me.
why haven’t I stopped it?
CHOOSE. THAT’S IT. CHOOSE A DIFFERENT CHOICE WHEN IT ARRISES. DON’T FEED IT.
but that same mind that says those things also makes the wrong choice every other time. the same mind puts out the vibe of victim, powerless & pity while carrying a face of self-awareness and a plan of action to change. at least that looks good. am I really wanting to dissolve those ways though? honestly? is this my boiling point?
what do I trust?
-how do I step out of it since it’s not real anyway?
-pick another game. it too is born of the same mind. time to stop playing games period
how tainted is it?
what bargaining can I make to end the pattern?
-I see my mind exercising all its means to escape
the only option I’ve ever come to is death but that won’t have me transcend this issue eternally.
all my eggs in one basket…no wonder my world is crashing down. I flux & flow in many emotions throughout my day. my brain is preoccupied & unable to concentrate in class.
I wanted to give my all, but that wasn’t supposed to include my shit or shitty ways of being. the lack of filter is showing my ugliness.
I am not free; I am effected. I am also the creator though. I have created so much beauty, so this shouldn’t be too hard to transcend.
I know this isn’t beyond me…it never has been; this of course is my next step. I’ve been receiving attention since I started throwing temper tantrums as a young child. the action must die for me to evolve.
I am afraid that I’m in a rubrics-cube though. since as long as I remember, I’ll do X & Y in order to “keep” ________ in my life. it’s easy for me to be flexible and give up pieces of me, because they’re not real to begin with. I’ve been living my life in reaction to the threat of what fear will do. I will be completely alone if I am anything to do with these patterns. anytime anyone threatens to leave my life, I go into giving up a negative aspect that I’ve used as a building block to construct me, but is the block ever really demolished or replaced with anything pure?
and by baring what I see, only small steps have begun. if everything is a lie, an illusion, a construct of the mind, then where do I go from here? the sun is spinning out of control; the sun is facing the loss of its aurum.
I battle between self-pity/guilt and the spaces of change. i am done with hurting within & harming those I claim to love.
courage is one “rung’ above anger. I use courage to gain self-awareness, but has it brought about any real change? I’m stuck between dropping into my schnae and being this amazing loving person who is ready to burst out of this skin!
it’s time for love, compassion and forgiveness to soar and be in command. I know I am the tool for me to move through all that arises. i am done with all this shit.
I trust I will.
that is what i can do, to be in action.
forgiveness has been coming on strong as of late, to let go of my own bitterness, the darkness i keep stowed in my heart, my insecurities....
Feb 4/09
it’s time for me to sit in the fire regarding my habits, patterns and psyche. I did a dangerous thing in Nov/07; I made midwifery & H my world. I’d always wanted to be able to fully give myself to something, someone? I’m not certain anymore where I was coming from at the time. I was conscious in my creation, but the origin of the desire had never been re-examined. I imagine the way a parent loves their child unconditionally, was the way of loving I wanted to offer “my world”. parents don’t always love unconditionally though, and I had been embodying a lot of negative habits, which have me offer what I output today. my ideal hasn’t been mastered yet, so in turn I clung, called “attention” love and continued my neediness, which has been spinning downward for the better part of the past year.
this game has me circling a pillar while the unconscious patterns I’m ready to expose are 2 steps ahead of me. I am done with the negativity-breeding machine and by suffocating it, it will be done with me. this is just the mind speaking though & therefore cannot be trusted in this conversation.
I am still clinging onto that one major person in my life. it began with mom; of course it’d be the person I didn’t even know I was separate from until months after being born – seems only natural! but then something else happened: somehow my world transferred into Kevin’s hands and after he left, to every boyfriend I ever had, and finally, H. am I still playing into “I will be abandoned?”, meanwhile I’ve known since I was 15yrs that my internal state would create my external state.
“you are good enough to be loved, you know that right? you are enough, your love (not your b.s.) but your actual love, is enough. you’re still clear with that, right? where is the incongruency hiding?"
my action was dangerous because it was my way of trapping H. you see in my mind (the original place of my lie) I always believed marriage was the sacred & binding contract that couldn’t be broken. but that’s only on my side – such things need to be reciprocated in order to work and even then, nothing is guaranteed.
most contracts are null & void when neglect or abuse are introduced. if I left my laptop in the sun & spilled water all over it, the repair cost would be billed to me, or it may even be fried beyond repair. by allowing sloppiness to play out without sticking to new habits to avoid future damage, I’ve caused irrevocable harm to H.
I see your resistance to me. I see my arm around your waste was fixed too tightly. I held your hand when you didn’t want to. I wanted kisses while in a state of seeking. I’ll want your love my way. I’ll force you to go where you’re not ready/willing (ie: tantra). I’ve not been straight up with my communication & I’ll manipulate you or the situation to obtain the answer I want.
I asked you to marry me, because I knew I’d always want to live life beside you. I also thought marriage would be our safety net, so that no matter how low or hard we fell, we’d be guaranteed a soft spot to cushion our tushes and a path to lead us out of the dark. I thought this nebulous safety net would ensure H & I would grow, expand, change into new people over & over while staying together. unless in the circus, (which right now I could plead to being in) safety nets are an illusion in themselves.
I advocate for women in birth to be met where they are – what a hypocrite!! I can’t even meet you where you are in every moment!
I am attention seeking at the core of it all; recognize me, validate me.
why haven’t I stopped it?
CHOOSE. THAT’S IT. CHOOSE A DIFFERENT CHOICE WHEN IT ARRISES. DON’T FEED IT.
but that same mind that says those things also makes the wrong choice every other time. the same mind puts out the vibe of victim, powerless & pity while carrying a face of self-awareness and a plan of action to change. at least that looks good. am I really wanting to dissolve those ways though? honestly? is this my boiling point?
what do I trust?
-how do I step out of it since it’s not real anyway?
-pick another game. it too is born of the same mind. time to stop playing games period
how tainted is it?
what bargaining can I make to end the pattern?
-I see my mind exercising all its means to escape
the only option I’ve ever come to is death but that won’t have me transcend this issue eternally.
all my eggs in one basket…no wonder my world is crashing down. I flux & flow in many emotions throughout my day. my brain is preoccupied & unable to concentrate in class.
I wanted to give my all, but that wasn’t supposed to include my shit or shitty ways of being. the lack of filter is showing my ugliness.
I am not free; I am effected. I am also the creator though. I have created so much beauty, so this shouldn’t be too hard to transcend.
I know this isn’t beyond me…it never has been; this of course is my next step. I’ve been receiving attention since I started throwing temper tantrums as a young child. the action must die for me to evolve.
I am afraid that I’m in a rubrics-cube though. since as long as I remember, I’ll do X & Y in order to “keep” ________ in my life. it’s easy for me to be flexible and give up pieces of me, because they’re not real to begin with. I’ve been living my life in reaction to the threat of what fear will do. I will be completely alone if I am anything to do with these patterns. anytime anyone threatens to leave my life, I go into giving up a negative aspect that I’ve used as a building block to construct me, but is the block ever really demolished or replaced with anything pure?
and by baring what I see, only small steps have begun. if everything is a lie, an illusion, a construct of the mind, then where do I go from here? the sun is spinning out of control; the sun is facing the loss of its aurum.
I battle between self-pity/guilt and the spaces of change. i am done with hurting within & harming those I claim to love.
courage is one “rung’ above anger. I use courage to gain self-awareness, but has it brought about any real change? I’m stuck between dropping into my schnae and being this amazing loving person who is ready to burst out of this skin!
it’s time for love, compassion and forgiveness to soar and be in command. I know I am the tool for me to move through all that arises. i am done with all this shit.
I trust I will.
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