holding hands with the unknown

Feb. 6

the fire is burning, people are grooving, Pedico is on the djembe, Abel is on didgeridoo and I am squealing inside, happy! there is no place I’d rather be then sitting on my thin floor mattress, writing.

I have never felt so clear about who I am than right now. I have never felt so much love for the bonds of women and appreciation for our capacity to go deep with one another. together, we hang out on the edge and court the flux!

what happened with Makenna & Abel was a gift to us all; for me, I have greater understanding for how a community can be impacted. i couldn’t help but reflect on getting married away from that community. although it was the choice H & I made for us, it also had an underlying rebellious tone. there wasn’t much opportunity for our families to say anything, because all we would’ve heard was them trying to convince us for their sakes. no one likes to get off their position when in defense. and what is the point to being married in front of others? so that the community can bear witness to two people committing to one another and the couple can say “when your assistance is required, we’ll call on you”. my community is seen and unseen: I am completely supported in this physical reality by my blood family, my soul family, my beautiful women, past lovers, my teachers, Pachamama, this land, spirit, existence. just when I think I’ve felt so much love, more pours into this vessel!

the other day I mentally scolded myself, frustrated that I was “still” dealing with emotions of insecurity in relation to other women, feeling possessive & paranoid. I was relieved when I found about H, that my intuition hadn’t been taking me around that bend again – I was dead on, listening & taking action. I am actually done with those unjustifiable feelings!! of course my precious intuition wouldn’t fail me!! it never has, why would it now? telling someone they’re “off” in their intuition or simply discounting it, is such a harmful thing to do. as children it arises a lot, if they’re misguided, how will they stabilize in knowing themselves early on? it spins into going outside of oneself for validation, seeking another’s opinion & later lacking self-direction.

i made an agreement a long time ago to be an active seeker of truth, to constantly fertilize my growth & expansion, at no matter what cost. *I have an abundance in my bank account! I’m flipping the bill again, and know I will be alright, because I always am. I am one of the most resilient people I know, I soak it all up and shine only brighter in the world.

during last night’s ayahuasca ceremony (my 2nd one this week), I observed myself in a way I’d been waiting for. there was a large Peruvian woman, hunched-over, dressed in a dark green dress that cinched around her waist, with a dark green cloak that went past her face. I could only see her profile as she was heading up the side of a mountain and i was accompanying her. we got to the edge and below where a cliffside or valley would be, was my being in its massive nature, swirling, spinning in a vortex. she told me to look and at first I played small, to which she energetically whacked me with a broom, as grandma does. (Ayahuasca, aka “grandma”, has 5000 years experience with humans) I continued to observe, everything shifting through rainbows, angels, colours, magnificent beauty: I was engrained with knowing I am enough. I never need to morph into anyone else to be accepted, I need not change anything about me, I am perfect as I am. it’s not to say I won’t continue to expand, but that I meet existence in every moment, I am perfect for my existence. if worth ever comes up again, I know it is not mine. I’d had a similar experience while meditating in the fall, which showed me the grand picture of we are all one. this was much more personal.

I’ve found myself in new territory since having my internal knowledge confirmed; one of compassion for them both, love is flowing through me, clarity & wisdom are within, my being is flexible, flowing and ready. I agreed to hold hands with the unknown, but my ideal was within the context of the “known of the unknown” – that’s way more safe, lol. again, it ties to birth, which is completely full of unknown factors that people often try to predict, intercept, manage & control. oh boy, am I in the thick of the unknown right now!

this is also what I unconsciously agreed to with getting married, by making this trip to Peru. my life is moving more & more to the edge and I love sitting there, because I am capable. if I’d still been living in fear, I never would have come to Peru, instead I would’ve lived from “what if” and never left the house. and with marriage, by agreeing to understand all, knowing I would experience every feeling in the book, is this not part of it? I never expected this to happen, nor did i expect it would be an unchallenged journey – it’s not my style.

I choose midwifery, I choose to continue on, to never unplug my creative energy in response to fear of being alone (a-because i am never alone, b-because I love being alone). is this all not to break my conditioning, my beliefs, my past responses, my past lives? and what change would I commit to if I wasn’t coerced? why would a calc carb leave the comforts of her Venus home if it weren’t necessary? certainly a catalyst is necessary.

so I’ll give it time to unfold, time to unwind, time to be in the presence of love, time for me. I continue to trust this is all for what I cannot yet see, for each of us. I trust in the bigger picture.

you take your time to scale the wall you’ve hit up against. locate trust for me, trust to be honest with me. you could’ve told me instead of betraying our trust. what are the patterns that you are recreating? you shut your heart to me and opened it to her: is that what love would do?