the vibrations of my existance

breathe a new breath.

that is what i can do, to be in action.

forgiveness has been coming on strong as of late, to let go of my own bitterness, the darkness i keep stowed in my heart, my insecurities....

Feb 4/09

it’s time for me to sit in the fire regarding my habits, patterns and psyche. I did a dangerous thing in Nov/07; I made midwifery & H my world. I’d always wanted to be able to fully give myself to something, someone? I’m not certain anymore where I was coming from at the time. I was conscious in my creation, but the origin of the desire had never been re-examined. I imagine the way a parent loves their child unconditionally, was the way of loving I wanted to offer “my world”. parents don’t always love unconditionally though, and I had been embodying a lot of negative habits, which have me offer what I output today. my ideal hasn’t been mastered yet, so in turn I clung, called “attention” love and continued my neediness, which has been spinning downward for the better part of the past year.

this game has me circling a pillar while the unconscious patterns I’m ready to expose are 2 steps ahead of me. I am done with the negativity-breeding machine and by suffocating it, it will be done with me. this is just the mind speaking though & therefore cannot be trusted in this conversation.

I am still clinging onto that one major person in my life. it began with mom; of course it’d be the person I didn’t even know I was separate from until months after being born – seems only natural! but then something else happened: somehow my world transferred into Kevin’s hands and after he left, to every boyfriend I ever had, and finally, H. am I still playing into “I will be abandoned?”, meanwhile I’ve known since I was 15yrs that my internal state would create my external state.

“you are good enough to be loved, you know that right? you are enough, your love (not your b.s.) but your actual love, is enough. you’re still clear with that, right? where is the incongruency hiding?"

my action was dangerous because it was my way of trapping H. you see in my mind (the original place of my lie) I always believed marriage was the sacred & binding contract that couldn’t be broken. but that’s only on my side – such things need to be reciprocated in order to work and even then, nothing is guaranteed.

most contracts are null & void when neglect or abuse are introduced. if I left my laptop in the sun & spilled water all over it, the repair cost would be billed to me, or it may even be fried beyond repair. by allowing sloppiness to play out without sticking to new habits to avoid future damage, I’ve caused irrevocable harm to H.

I see your resistance to me. I see my arm around your waste was fixed too tightly. I held your hand when you didn’t want to. I wanted kisses while in a state of seeking. I’ll want your love my way. I’ll force you to go where you’re not ready/willing (ie: tantra). I’ve not been straight up with my communication & I’ll manipulate you or the situation to obtain the answer I want.

I asked you to marry me, because I knew I’d always want to live life beside you. I also thought marriage would be our safety net, so that no matter how low or hard we fell, we’d be guaranteed a soft spot to cushion our tushes and a path to lead us out of the dark. I thought this nebulous safety net would ensure H & I would grow, expand, change into new people over & over while staying together. unless in the circus, (which right now I could plead to being in) safety nets are an illusion in themselves.

I advocate for women in birth to be met where they are – what a hypocrite!! I can’t even meet you where you are in every moment!

I am attention seeking at the core of it all; recognize me, validate me.
why haven’t I stopped it?

CHOOSE. THAT’S IT. CHOOSE A DIFFERENT CHOICE WHEN IT ARRISES. DON’T FEED IT.

but that same mind that says those things also makes the wrong choice every other time. the same mind puts out the vibe of victim, powerless & pity while carrying a face of self-awareness and a plan of action to change. at least that looks good. am I really wanting to dissolve those ways though? honestly? is this my boiling point?

what do I trust?
-how do I step out of it since it’s not real anyway?
-pick another game. it too is born of the same mind. time to stop playing games period

how tainted is it?
what bargaining can I make to end the pattern?
-I see my mind exercising all its means to escape

the only option I’ve ever come to is death but that won’t have me transcend this issue eternally.

all my eggs in one basket…no wonder my world is crashing down. I flux & flow in many emotions throughout my day. my brain is preoccupied & unable to concentrate in class.

I wanted to give my all, but that wasn’t supposed to include my shit or shitty ways of being. the lack of filter is showing my ugliness.

I am not free; I am effected. I am also the creator though. I have created so much beauty, so this shouldn’t be too hard to transcend.

I know this isn’t beyond me…it never has been; this of course is my next step. I’ve been receiving attention since I started throwing temper tantrums as a young child. the action must die for me to evolve.

I am afraid that I’m in a rubrics-cube though. since as long as I remember, I’ll do X & Y in order to “keep” ________ in my life. it’s easy for me to be flexible and give up pieces of me, because they’re not real to begin with. I’ve been living my life in reaction to the threat of what fear will do. I will be completely alone if I am anything to do with these patterns. anytime anyone threatens to leave my life, I go into giving up a negative aspect that I’ve used as a building block to construct me, but is the block ever really demolished or replaced with anything pure?

and by baring what I see, only small steps have begun. if everything is a lie, an illusion, a construct of the mind, then where do I go from here? the sun is spinning out of control; the sun is facing the loss of its aurum.

I battle between self-pity/guilt and the spaces of change. i am done with hurting within & harming those I claim to love.

courage is one “rung’ above anger. I use courage to gain self-awareness, but has it brought about any real change? I’m stuck between dropping into my schnae and being this amazing loving person who is ready to burst out of this skin!

it’s time for love, compassion and forgiveness to soar and be in command. I know I am the tool for me to move through all that arises. i am done with all this shit.

I trust I will.