Jan. 30/09
class on the 27th covered the topic of “woundology”, something Whapio had spoken with the Bellingham crew before & needed to be addressed in this time as well. our previous birth circle had reeked of verbal diarrhea & voices were mostly only fueling the fire of pain. at what point are we only feeding our pain, creating relationships and bonds out of that wound, competing for the greater injury, relating to ourselves through that wound, then convincing others to jump onto the victim wagon? I love the perspective Whapio gave when she asked us all to consider "how much energy it would take for an open physical wound to remain open, if we didn’t allow it to heal?" wow! it’d take a lot of enrolling of other people’s energy, how could we do it all alone? in this community, a lot of us focus on the “earth wound” and the “birth wound” then stay stuck.
the next day’s class followed with “rank, power & its misuses”. quantum physics states “by silently managing someone, I collapse the infinite amount of choices that person could have made”. damn, how many times had I done that?? how many times have I projected my wants onto others? I’ve looked at this when doing discipline 1 & 2, but my awareness was greater now. one woman raised the question of how to parent and not misuse rank. Whapio replied “kids loose respect for their parents when they’ve lived a lifetime of being projected onto, then comes distance & separation. what’s required is mutual respect and co-creating choice.” okay, note to self.
the afternoon followed with our practical skills class, where we discussed our yonis, we questioned what our sexual wisdom to our children would/should be, then followed with pelvimetry, a physical exam & speculum exams on each other.
the week’s heaviness had been building, Whapio’s room had been visited by many crying faces, everyone’s b.s. was arising & hitting a wall. it all climaxed yesterday afternoon when Makenna addressed the class regarding the affair she & Abel had. she sat in the fire while we drilled her, asked questions, tried to understand, reflected on our own action or lack of action, we scrutinized the holes in our community, examined the impact it had on us all since many of us had seen it building over the past couple weeks and addressed how to proceed. his wife, Maria, sits in our circle and although affairs are common for Peruvians, they’re not openly discussed or admitted, even if the partner is aware.
in my North American upbringing of not crossing another’s boundaries, I’d dropped my role in the community. instead of simply being happy that I’d passed that test in the world already, proud that it wasn’t me, as I’d sensed Abel was willing to go there with whomever had been willing, I could’ve been direct with Makenna. my redefining of the word “friendship” was still extending only to my personal, select community. it’s really easy for me to know a lot of detail of someone’s life, but then do nothing with it but benefit myself. where is my “wise woman tradition”? my appreciation for the sanctity of marriage and family is of course strengthened by myself now being married, and how fitting that I expressed myself to Makenna on my one year wedding anniversary. I see where I could’ve had a positive impact and where I thought “let her deal with it on her own”. no wonder our young women are so lost. would I treat my daughter that way? why then another woman? a woman I sit in circle with? alright, here’s one area my psychology requires some major examining.
the week was finally beginning to elevate after everything was brought to light. Brittany, who’s been reading cards for 7 years, did a reading for me last night. of course it was the same congruent beauty I’m already familiar with – pregnancy is on the horizon, abundance, creating anything I want & all I need to do is choose, comradery, etc! the interesting part was the last 2 cards which represent the “2 possible outcomes”: one card was the piper who represents mysticism, music that lures children away, illusion, etc, while the other card was about refining the ability to articulate and communicate wisdom. it was so clear to me, where I could buy into my own illusions and feed them or I could focus on my wisdom, and how different my life would be on the other side of either repetitive action. what a wonderful confirming gift!
2 weeks until i´m back in Vancouver. this journey is still going deeper, unrelentlessly.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
my tattoo...
Jan. 27/09
it took 5 hours to fully receive. Lori kept saying things like “you don’t have to keep going, do you want a break, you’re so strong, I’m so proud of you” etc. she was my tattoo doula/photographer, & Abel was the tattoo midwife. he had been so patient with the designing of the tattoo, all the back and forth while Lori translated my vision, and finally 2 weeks later, it was exactly what I wanted. it only took me 10 years to get to this point :) !
in the beginning, I was breathing through the “pain”, moving my head and neck, bracing myself on the table, and managing alright. I was ready for this marking on my body; there was no other preparation I could’ve gone through. Aerina, Rose & Jaydee stopped in to watch and energetically support me, while the angel transformed. I was “between the worlds”.
I thought I had a high pain tolerance, but I’d never had shading done before – WOW!! that’s an entirely different kind of sting! after about the 4th hour, I couldn’t be with the pain, I couldn’t move through it or meld with it or zone it out or dissipate it. it was in my face. my head rested on Lori’s chest and I bawled (i have videos, lol). I was reaching my maximum pain threshold, but it wouldn’t hurt any less if I came back another day. someone asked me why I stuck it out & I said “that’s how I roll”… it’s true though. here I was, back to the holistic stages of labour, moving through them in a manner I’d never done before. I think the hike up the mountain had been preparing me for this tattoo. Abel felt horrible for “causing me so much physical pain” but I told him to push onward.
I’d been mostly unaware of who’d been passing through, until mundane conversation was happening around me and the pain intensity would ramp up; my cry, scream or swearing would escalate. through it all, I was observing myself with curiosity. wow, it’s probably so true, to add 30 minutes to 1 hour per person who attend a woman’s labour. the distraction would not only pull me out of any zone I was in, but I actually reacted differently when attention wasn’t focused on me & my pain level augmented. how does a labouring woman experience pain when casual, unrelated conversation is going on? or conversation at all? Lori had to ask some people to leave on my behalf at one point, I was ready to loose it. one woman came in offering me codeine – again, relating to birth, I was okay with crying, okay with feeling pain, I didn’t want drugs to numb myself, I wasn’t looking to escape my experience! I was giving birth!! the best thing she could do was remove herself from my space.
there was another man in the room who was having a tattoo done about half way through mine. he mentioned he held his mom’s hand while she delivered his brother & that my expression of pain was assisting him through his own, as he wasn’t able to vocalize the way I’d been. it was sweet. i was later told several people had said it was the most beautiful tattoo they’d ever seen. it’s my power tattoo & it´s going on Abel’s wall of tattoos.
what is it? I knew I was to incorporate my native spirit name, “Silent Owl Messenger Woman”. I knew I wanted to transform the angel into something else. the tree has always held significance in my world, and better yet, the tree of life as that ties into the placenta. I wanted more than the owl though; I’ve had many constant creatures teach me or offer their wisdom along my way, being the butterfly, the snake & the spider. (the cat is another guide, Sheba still visits me in my dreams as recently as 2 weeks ago, but that will be a separate tattoo later on.) I also wanted more colour and layering to bring it all to life. the angel isn’t visible to those who didn’t know it’s prior existence, the tree of life has merged with her, the snake is coming up the trunk, a very specific butterfly is on the trunk, the Nasca spider (you’ll need to look it up online) is coming out from behind the tree, while the owl is in flight behind the tree, with one wing expanded visible between the branches. the blues of the cosmos join to the greens of the earth.
after I came home, I took a homeopathic remedy. I was shaking so much now that the adrenaline was wearing off. everyone wanted to talk to me or see it & all that was important to me was my needs, not satisfying the crowd. again, how I imagine birth to be. I was heavily dreaming that night: Makenna told me I visited her & quietly held out my hands to her. Whapio said she saw something flying in her dream, then realized it was human, then saw it was me; she said after I’d passed and she wanted me to return, that I did so to acknowledge her but that I had to continue on. Whapio understood in that moment that I was astral traveling. my own dream was of giving birth: I’ve had plenty of labour dreams, but this was different. I could feel the baby moving down the yoni canal, I wasn’t really needing to push, the head was now out & I reached down to feel it. I was alone & conscious of not tearing, but gave a gentle push so the body would also be born. a second baby was also coming, twins!
what a journey the past couple days have been.
it took 5 hours to fully receive. Lori kept saying things like “you don’t have to keep going, do you want a break, you’re so strong, I’m so proud of you” etc. she was my tattoo doula/photographer, & Abel was the tattoo midwife. he had been so patient with the designing of the tattoo, all the back and forth while Lori translated my vision, and finally 2 weeks later, it was exactly what I wanted. it only took me 10 years to get to this point :) !
in the beginning, I was breathing through the “pain”, moving my head and neck, bracing myself on the table, and managing alright. I was ready for this marking on my body; there was no other preparation I could’ve gone through. Aerina, Rose & Jaydee stopped in to watch and energetically support me, while the angel transformed. I was “between the worlds”.
I thought I had a high pain tolerance, but I’d never had shading done before – WOW!! that’s an entirely different kind of sting! after about the 4th hour, I couldn’t be with the pain, I couldn’t move through it or meld with it or zone it out or dissipate it. it was in my face. my head rested on Lori’s chest and I bawled (i have videos, lol). I was reaching my maximum pain threshold, but it wouldn’t hurt any less if I came back another day. someone asked me why I stuck it out & I said “that’s how I roll”… it’s true though. here I was, back to the holistic stages of labour, moving through them in a manner I’d never done before. I think the hike up the mountain had been preparing me for this tattoo. Abel felt horrible for “causing me so much physical pain” but I told him to push onward.
I’d been mostly unaware of who’d been passing through, until mundane conversation was happening around me and the pain intensity would ramp up; my cry, scream or swearing would escalate. through it all, I was observing myself with curiosity. wow, it’s probably so true, to add 30 minutes to 1 hour per person who attend a woman’s labour. the distraction would not only pull me out of any zone I was in, but I actually reacted differently when attention wasn’t focused on me & my pain level augmented. how does a labouring woman experience pain when casual, unrelated conversation is going on? or conversation at all? Lori had to ask some people to leave on my behalf at one point, I was ready to loose it. one woman came in offering me codeine – again, relating to birth, I was okay with crying, okay with feeling pain, I didn’t want drugs to numb myself, I wasn’t looking to escape my experience! I was giving birth!! the best thing she could do was remove herself from my space.
there was another man in the room who was having a tattoo done about half way through mine. he mentioned he held his mom’s hand while she delivered his brother & that my expression of pain was assisting him through his own, as he wasn’t able to vocalize the way I’d been. it was sweet. i was later told several people had said it was the most beautiful tattoo they’d ever seen. it’s my power tattoo & it´s going on Abel’s wall of tattoos.
what is it? I knew I was to incorporate my native spirit name, “Silent Owl Messenger Woman”. I knew I wanted to transform the angel into something else. the tree has always held significance in my world, and better yet, the tree of life as that ties into the placenta. I wanted more than the owl though; I’ve had many constant creatures teach me or offer their wisdom along my way, being the butterfly, the snake & the spider. (the cat is another guide, Sheba still visits me in my dreams as recently as 2 weeks ago, but that will be a separate tattoo later on.) I also wanted more colour and layering to bring it all to life. the angel isn’t visible to those who didn’t know it’s prior existence, the tree of life has merged with her, the snake is coming up the trunk, a very specific butterfly is on the trunk, the Nasca spider (you’ll need to look it up online) is coming out from behind the tree, while the owl is in flight behind the tree, with one wing expanded visible between the branches. the blues of the cosmos join to the greens of the earth.
after I came home, I took a homeopathic remedy. I was shaking so much now that the adrenaline was wearing off. everyone wanted to talk to me or see it & all that was important to me was my needs, not satisfying the crowd. again, how I imagine birth to be. I was heavily dreaming that night: Makenna told me I visited her & quietly held out my hands to her. Whapio said she saw something flying in her dream, then realized it was human, then saw it was me; she said after I’d passed and she wanted me to return, that I did so to acknowledge her but that I had to continue on. Whapio understood in that moment that I was astral traveling. my own dream was of giving birth: I’ve had plenty of labour dreams, but this was different. I could feel the baby moving down the yoni canal, I wasn’t really needing to push, the head was now out & I reached down to feel it. I was alone & conscious of not tearing, but gave a gentle push so the body would also be born. a second baby was also coming, twins!
what a journey the past couple days have been.
don´t cry over spilt water (it´s all spilt water in the grand scheme of things)
Jan. 26/09
not everyone wants everything to go smoothly. my microcosm was watching Rose attempting to pour a 20 liter water bottle into a 1.5 liter bottle. when it began to spill she then thought resting the giant bottle’s weight onto the smaller one was a better idea, so she could aim better. of course since it couldn’t support the weight, it fell over, knocking over Liz’s aromatherapy bottles too. after that she put the large bottle to her lips, cradled it’s weight on her knees and began to sip what rushed in her mouth. Rose sat the bottle down laughingly, stating how much fun the experience was. the silent owl in me knew what her results would be prior to they unfolded; the silent owl watched the moon in her. the owl shook her head at the spacey moon. she was completely fine with what transpired. I saw flaw & therefore failure. but not everyone requires flow in their actions to have success. not everyone thinks something through or tries to cover all bases before stepping into action.
Rose certainly teaches me that; she’ll come to class without a pen, think about picking up her laundry without the pick-up slip and use everyone else’s stuff, not procuring her own. I see her as flaky & tie it to being a non-prepared midwife with an empty birth bag, in the grand scheme of things. but why is being organized any better? maybe she’ll bring something to a birth that is innate, unprocurable. we’ve been studying Egyptian medical astrology, learning what a person’s base planet influence is, since the planets are said to “influence” us more than a constellation. beyond that, there are phases or cycles in life we all go through. the first 7 years of life for everyone is the “moon cycle”; kids are spaced out, in their own world, unconstrained. this makes sense when you see an adult asking a child, who’s far out in a theda brain wave, to step into the beta wave & be “present” in the everyday world, and how frustrated the adult can become. learning that Rose has moon as her base planet, has allowed me to have some compassion, lol. besides, I take me too seriously sometimes. I look forward to looking at your chart when I’m back, all I need is your date & time of birth – it’s fun.
I’ve been noticing some of my traits, which are perfect for birth: being really comfortable in other people’s homes, having no hesitation to roam their cupboards if I need something, being able to “go with the flow”, being unattached to “time”, being organized, having patience, being familiar with a wide scope of emotions and being able to change my mind regularly; simple little things. I know I can frustrate others with such characteristics sometimes, but it’s totally aligned with being a midwife.
what a strange week…many “plans” fell through or were super hazy to even come together. Isabel’s is closed until February as the clinic is moving to a new location. I’ve been sick on & off and have missed a couple night shifts at the hospital, not wanting to infect anyone. the showers have been outputting unfriendly cold water and after the weekend I really needed some hot cleansing, so I headed to the local sauna. Rose, Aerina & I massaged each other, I applied some raw salt to my body then soaked up the heat. afterwards, I was so heated up, I had mostly a luke-warm shower – funny what i choose when all choices are available! but it was great showering with good water pressure. there is no heating in Peru, let alone hot water. the few showers the house has with heated water only heats a tiny bit via a coil above your head and the one time I touched the canister it passes through, my hand violently retracted after feeling the electrical current flowing. But i´m sure it´s safe, lol.
getting to the weekend, I knew I was heading to Q’oya to hang out with Lori and explore Pisac again. there had been talk about doing another San Pedro ceremony in the mountain this time, since San Pedro is best explored in nature. I’d been a yes and a no, all over the place, then thought staying open would be easier so I could choose my choice when I chose it! this trip so far has been all about letting go, which essentially also represents birth.
Lori & I were both a “no” to doing ceremony and decided to part from the group to head to Casa de Milagros (Home of Miracles, an orphanage created by a woman named Mama Kia, who’s grandson came to her in a dream after he passed away, telling her to create an orphanage). Kate & Claire would later join us, while the rest of the group was awaiting Abel to arrive to begin ceremony at his good friend’s home, Tareo. we weren’t even 5 minutes from the plaza in Q’oya when a man with his young daughter, stopped us to talk. this is really common in Peru, as someone always has something to sell, but his arms were empty. we were on a mission to leave and it became funny how much we were being side-tracked, now here was another situation. Lori’s Spanish is fairly fluent so she explained we were heading to the Casa; he replied it was only a short walk past his house and that he’d show us the road to walk. the man then mentioned something about his home shop where he makes djembes and didgeridoos, then we asked if he knew Abel, to which he replied “Cusco tattooa?” Abel also makes didgeridoos & is his “comrade”. before I knew it, I was laughing inside, as this man was Tareo! Q’oya is a small town, but come on!! this was just ridiculous! Tareo explained he felt drawn to stop us not knowing why and said “you could’ve been crazy women” but instinct over-road logic.
we walked back to his casa, met his son, pregnant wife, the 2 dogs, 1 kitten and other family members. he brought us into his large barn-like shop, the earthen floor strewn with wood chips and a hammock that could easily observe the outside. he pulled out 2 bottles of fresh San Pedro, resembling a thick green cacti smoothie. he unscrewed the lid, the gases released and it began to ooze out the top. he scooped some on his finger then applied to our foreheads, took an eagle feather to gently smear the goop and bring it down along our faces, then he lit the Palo Santo (type of wood burned for smudging) and told us to blow on it three times. Tareo explained we were to feel into the medicine and it would tell us if we were to drink or simply to pass this time. about 20 minutes slipped by and although I was a definite yes, I wanted to respect Lori’s plans, so again I stayed open to going either way, wanting her to make the choice. I’ve been witnessing how powerful my choices are when made; I didn’t want to influence her so I kept my internal vibe quiet. he read the markings on our foreheads and said we were to drink. Lori asked how he could read it; he made a “phish” noise, then said he’d been working with the plant for 22 years, learnt from his uncle & that it’s been in his lineage for a very long time.
at one point Lori said to me “I really need your help with this” but when I went to lay out all the options possible, I could only come up with one, which was all inclusive. the choice was extremely clear by now – yes, we would drink. Tareo left to pick up fire wood and we headed back to the plaza to fetch the women, unfortunately it was now dark and the women were gone. Abel was hours late by this point, although we’d heard he was on route. after looking around a bit for the group, we trusted they’d find their way and sure enough when we arrived back at Tareo’s home, everyone was gathered around the burning fire. we departed shortly after that backpacks on, firewood in arms, while some held flashlights lighting the way for those who had none.
not everyone wants everything to go smoothly. my microcosm was watching Rose attempting to pour a 20 liter water bottle into a 1.5 liter bottle. when it began to spill she then thought resting the giant bottle’s weight onto the smaller one was a better idea, so she could aim better. of course since it couldn’t support the weight, it fell over, knocking over Liz’s aromatherapy bottles too. after that she put the large bottle to her lips, cradled it’s weight on her knees and began to sip what rushed in her mouth. Rose sat the bottle down laughingly, stating how much fun the experience was. the silent owl in me knew what her results would be prior to they unfolded; the silent owl watched the moon in her. the owl shook her head at the spacey moon. she was completely fine with what transpired. I saw flaw & therefore failure. but not everyone requires flow in their actions to have success. not everyone thinks something through or tries to cover all bases before stepping into action.
Rose certainly teaches me that; she’ll come to class without a pen, think about picking up her laundry without the pick-up slip and use everyone else’s stuff, not procuring her own. I see her as flaky & tie it to being a non-prepared midwife with an empty birth bag, in the grand scheme of things. but why is being organized any better? maybe she’ll bring something to a birth that is innate, unprocurable. we’ve been studying Egyptian medical astrology, learning what a person’s base planet influence is, since the planets are said to “influence” us more than a constellation. beyond that, there are phases or cycles in life we all go through. the first 7 years of life for everyone is the “moon cycle”; kids are spaced out, in their own world, unconstrained. this makes sense when you see an adult asking a child, who’s far out in a theda brain wave, to step into the beta wave & be “present” in the everyday world, and how frustrated the adult can become. learning that Rose has moon as her base planet, has allowed me to have some compassion, lol. besides, I take me too seriously sometimes. I look forward to looking at your chart when I’m back, all I need is your date & time of birth – it’s fun.
I’ve been noticing some of my traits, which are perfect for birth: being really comfortable in other people’s homes, having no hesitation to roam their cupboards if I need something, being able to “go with the flow”, being unattached to “time”, being organized, having patience, being familiar with a wide scope of emotions and being able to change my mind regularly; simple little things. I know I can frustrate others with such characteristics sometimes, but it’s totally aligned with being a midwife.
what a strange week…many “plans” fell through or were super hazy to even come together. Isabel’s is closed until February as the clinic is moving to a new location. I’ve been sick on & off and have missed a couple night shifts at the hospital, not wanting to infect anyone. the showers have been outputting unfriendly cold water and after the weekend I really needed some hot cleansing, so I headed to the local sauna. Rose, Aerina & I massaged each other, I applied some raw salt to my body then soaked up the heat. afterwards, I was so heated up, I had mostly a luke-warm shower – funny what i choose when all choices are available! but it was great showering with good water pressure. there is no heating in Peru, let alone hot water. the few showers the house has with heated water only heats a tiny bit via a coil above your head and the one time I touched the canister it passes through, my hand violently retracted after feeling the electrical current flowing. But i´m sure it´s safe, lol.
getting to the weekend, I knew I was heading to Q’oya to hang out with Lori and explore Pisac again. there had been talk about doing another San Pedro ceremony in the mountain this time, since San Pedro is best explored in nature. I’d been a yes and a no, all over the place, then thought staying open would be easier so I could choose my choice when I chose it! this trip so far has been all about letting go, which essentially also represents birth.
Lori & I were both a “no” to doing ceremony and decided to part from the group to head to Casa de Milagros (Home of Miracles, an orphanage created by a woman named Mama Kia, who’s grandson came to her in a dream after he passed away, telling her to create an orphanage). Kate & Claire would later join us, while the rest of the group was awaiting Abel to arrive to begin ceremony at his good friend’s home, Tareo. we weren’t even 5 minutes from the plaza in Q’oya when a man with his young daughter, stopped us to talk. this is really common in Peru, as someone always has something to sell, but his arms were empty. we were on a mission to leave and it became funny how much we were being side-tracked, now here was another situation. Lori’s Spanish is fairly fluent so she explained we were heading to the Casa; he replied it was only a short walk past his house and that he’d show us the road to walk. the man then mentioned something about his home shop where he makes djembes and didgeridoos, then we asked if he knew Abel, to which he replied “Cusco tattooa?” Abel also makes didgeridoos & is his “comrade”. before I knew it, I was laughing inside, as this man was Tareo! Q’oya is a small town, but come on!! this was just ridiculous! Tareo explained he felt drawn to stop us not knowing why and said “you could’ve been crazy women” but instinct over-road logic.
we walked back to his casa, met his son, pregnant wife, the 2 dogs, 1 kitten and other family members. he brought us into his large barn-like shop, the earthen floor strewn with wood chips and a hammock that could easily observe the outside. he pulled out 2 bottles of fresh San Pedro, resembling a thick green cacti smoothie. he unscrewed the lid, the gases released and it began to ooze out the top. he scooped some on his finger then applied to our foreheads, took an eagle feather to gently smear the goop and bring it down along our faces, then he lit the Palo Santo (type of wood burned for smudging) and told us to blow on it three times. Tareo explained we were to feel into the medicine and it would tell us if we were to drink or simply to pass this time. about 20 minutes slipped by and although I was a definite yes, I wanted to respect Lori’s plans, so again I stayed open to going either way, wanting her to make the choice. I’ve been witnessing how powerful my choices are when made; I didn’t want to influence her so I kept my internal vibe quiet. he read the markings on our foreheads and said we were to drink. Lori asked how he could read it; he made a “phish” noise, then said he’d been working with the plant for 22 years, learnt from his uncle & that it’s been in his lineage for a very long time.
at one point Lori said to me “I really need your help with this” but when I went to lay out all the options possible, I could only come up with one, which was all inclusive. the choice was extremely clear by now – yes, we would drink. Tareo left to pick up fire wood and we headed back to the plaza to fetch the women, unfortunately it was now dark and the women were gone. Abel was hours late by this point, although we’d heard he was on route. after looking around a bit for the group, we trusted they’d find their way and sure enough when we arrived back at Tareo’s home, everyone was gathered around the burning fire. we departed shortly after that backpacks on, firewood in arms, while some held flashlights lighting the way for those who had none.
our track was easy enough while we traversed part of town, though we soon arrived at the mouth of the trail, our feet met the rocks and upward we went. our core muscles kicked in since our arms were otherwise occupied with wood & light, certainly unavailable to grab hold of a branch or rock for support if necessary. we were told it wasn’t too far, I remember hearing ½ hour. keep in mind it’s easy to get winded from the altitude by climbing a simple set of stairs, so we took many breaks, especially when the group continually separated. all I could do was focus on my footing & breathing regularly. I kept hearing “just a bit more, 5 more minutes, ½ hour more”.
after about an hour, my internal resistance was really building, I was resentful, pissed off, super annoyed: this was not what I had intended! there was no place to stop and say “I’m staying here, see you in the morning” or “I’m going back down” when I had no idea where down was, so we had to stick together. (I found out later this was a different location than our class had originally intended on visiting before and that Abel had never been here, so he hadn’t known what to expect either.) I began vocalizing my frustration, I felt the victim arise, who I’d not seen in quite a while.
we finally reached a plateau, my arms let go of everything they’d been carrying, I peeled my back pack off my sweaty back, changed clothes so I’d be dry and piled on the layers to skip becoming chilled. Tareo & Abel lit candles, prepared the San Pedro, began offerings to Pachamama, to each other and the group. they poured a small cup for each of us, one by one; the cup was offered by two hands & we were to receive it by two hands, then drink in one continuous motion to respect the plant. the djembes were warming up along with the flute and didjeridoo. after everyone drank, we all took ½ to 1 full cup more since the 1st offering had been small. 30 minutes passed and the fire hadn’t been started yet. the men were concerned of the nearby cliff & stated it wasn’t safe for people to be journeying on their own and that we needed to move…an hour higher up.
I unlayered, we packed up and continued hiking straight up the mountain. though my anger within increased a simultaneous shift was occurring. thoughts began to flow: “what would choose to grow up here?” I asked with complete discontent to myself, “plants & cacti grow up here, unconflicted even! you too are choosing to grow on this mountain.” okay, well what could I say to that? but I wasn’t done hearing myself bitch. a conversation I’d had in the fall with mom & dad popped into my head: mom told me they were happy with the place they’re at in life, they didn’t require me to push them to grow in any way and were quite self-sufficient. wow, of course they are!! I get so excited for my own life, that I often project my seemingly “right actions” onto many around me – that must be a challenge to be around! (lol) then I wondered, at what point did mom choose her boundary and comfort zone? maybe she’s still growing in her own way, a way that’s not in everyone’s face, but is there a point where someone says “I’m done, this is as far as I’ll go”? and if so, is that wrong, because I’ve certainly judged that action.
the rest of the way up, i was battling my internal voice that said “this is ludicrous, I need to stop, no one should hike after just taken San Pedro, i’m going to throw up, I’m being pushed too far or this is beyond my physical limits.” where was my limit? do I even have one? because despite the complaining, I wasn’t stopping. the victim was duking it out with the obstinate within, and neither are “who I am”. so quit the b.s. and show me my true boundary!! I never found it, really. any boundary is only self-limitation and doesn’t truly exist. I was only verbalizing that which I’ve been battling for a while: the element of me that “must be heard” and validated by my external.
it was all tying into birth & midwifery. i kept thinking about the holistic stages of labour:
- embarking: preparing for the journey, she’s excited, anxious, chatty
- entering the veil: giving herself to the journey, holding space to climb the “mountain”
- between the worlds: finding her own rhythm, focused on her inward world, making sounds, toning
- transition: see the mountain top & say “I can’t do it”, thoughts like “I’m done” become so tangible
- quiescence: peace, stillness, deep calm, huge download of information; fully dilated, however she won’t naturally push here, that would be like running back down the mountain after she’d just gotten up!
- the birthing tides: a contraction brings her back to “reality”, she’s galvanized
- the breakers: pushing is NOT managed, she pushes how her body feels, the pressure & torque required are intrinsic to her
I’d been going through the stages as I hiked upward. how do I even know 100% what I need for me? the mountain knew & it was dishing it! how humbling…
as soon as we reached the next plateau, Lori explained to Tareo that the women needed to STOP!! he finally agreed. a man’s journey is so very different from a woman’s. Tareo’s expectation was way different from mine. I wasn’t looking to hike for days, I don’t “need” to climb a mountain all night long in the pitch black – I would’ve been happy back at his house, nesting, lol. I dropped to the ground to catch my breath & reapply my layers of clothing.
then something I couldn’t translate occurred: Tareo kindly came around to each of us to check in with where we were at. when he kneeled beside me & placed his compassionate hand on my knee & asked if I was well, I felt an opening in my heart to let go. I began sobbing hard. (it reminded me of doing the 60km walk for breast cancer, where I broke down at the end.) he put his hands on my head & started repeating “tranquila” like they do at the hospitals. wow, that’s the wrong thing to say to any emotional female, lol. Lori rushed over to me & began translating to him that the hike was too much and I’d not wanted to continue. I was now maxing out. she was mistranslating me & he was telling me to calm down. I yelled “back-off, I need space” and they withdrew. Lori came over a while later to sit beside me while I cried. this was one confirming reason in my opinion why men should not deliver babies: they can’t be with the intensity of women’s emotions. I also saw that knowing the language didn’t equate knowing someone’s thoughts. How many times had I filled in someone’s words, assumingly? I was upset because I saw I was holding onto my position of having limitations – when was I going to finally let go of that? I’m 30, how much more time was I going to waste?
Lori was hustling the men to get their act together. they were chatting, setting up tents, and goofing around. she said “the women need you! get a fire going, start the music, stop the mindless chattering!” but men like direction, right? the men’s “midwifing” was showing weakness. after I emotionally cooled off, I moved closer to the fire. The music was going & now Tareo was barking at us all to dance, “bailar, bailar!” give it a rest! I darted him a look & firmly said “tu bailas if you want to dance, but I’m sitting here”. Grrr… again, it came back to men delivering babies – no wonder they jump to c-sections so quickly, the patience of unfoldment was lacking. Of course I’m generalizing, but you catch my drift. The fire took hours to get going, we were all attempting to keep warm, it just wasn’t a dancing night. His attempt certainly wasn’t inspiring to any of us.
It seemed to be the longest night of my life & I’d never felt so far from Vancouver. I was several flights away, not even in Cusco, but an hour bus ride away, past Pisac, in Q’oya, up a mountain a few hours, where no vehicle could travel. I could almost touch the stars, it was so beautiful, but I couldn’t stay present or go as deep as I’d anticipated. I was laying down & Carlos tripped over me, landing straight on his face. There was a sketchiness with some of the guys. They were wandering around, Carlos seemed unsafe to himself, people were standing tall compared to my ground view, carelessly pointed flashlights continuously landed in my eyes…I really wanted the night to be over. I saw my desire to sleep couldn’t even be satisfied since I was “night-watching”, protecting my personal space and choosing my state of internal unrest. It wasn’t a complete waste, of course I was fine (I always am!) & some light bulb moments had been triggered, but i was lacking the satisfaction of coming away with revelations. I believe there had been more waiting for me to tap into during that event. But that’s my addiction in life: the constant seeking of growth, to go deep, to never cease expanding and to believe if I cover more in one moment, the next will unfold something new. where’s my mastery & refinement in that? perhaps the thing that had truly been missing was my ability to elevate my experience.
The light in the sky finally began to shift, the dawn was coming & it would be my 1st sunrise in Peru. I felt the heaviness within lift, I could leave in a few hours. when the light infiltrated more, I found out we were only a 3 minute walk from Tareo’s uncle’s home. our camp was fairly surrounded by homes actually (considering we were in the middle of the Andes), animals were feeding and dogs could be heard barking up in the hills. The view was amazing!!! I giggled and thought, “I doubt my bitching would’ve gone on so long had I been able to see where I was.”
Kate, Carl & Brook headed down the mountain around 8am while Claire & I followed shortly after. Lori & Max were still coming around and the rest were at “uncle’s” for breakfast and more ingesting of San Pedro. of course it only took an hour & a half for Claire and I to descend. the morning sun was chasing us down & we were grateful to have left when we did as things were heating up quickly. I stopped for the occasion photo & video clip, to remove a layer here or there, to fend off the seemingly innocent children with slingshot in hand, to say morning to the farm animals, then traverse a corn field & hop an earthen fence. we dropped blankets off at Tareo’s home, I said my goodbyes to the sweet kitten I’d cuddled with the night before & would never see again.
we caught the bus back to Pisac for one sole then booked it to the market for fresh fruit. it was only 10:30am & I knew Lori wouldn’t arrive in Pisac until about 12pm. I chilled in our café, almost passing out, sunglasses on (Peruvians sell sunglasses but no one wears them) until she arrived. there was no way I was able to stick to our original plan of me spending the day with her as I was too exhausted, but Jaydee was willing. Zuki, Rose & Aerina (who’d stayed at Brittany’s in Q’oya) and I took a crazy bus ride back to Cusco, where the bus driver took the corners too quickly and the people were telling him to slow down (which does nothing much for machismo). I’m grateful for my life every time I step out of a vehicle here! you’d think the buses would go slower than the taxis, but they don’t always, in fact they’ll pass another bus on a blind corner. it’s loco. memories of dad driving fast & mom’s foot automatically pressing for a phantom brake in the passenger seat pop into my mind. I’m desperate to visit Machu Pichu, but a tad freaked out about the ride there. Carl apparently researched the stats on bus company injuries & fatalities and now only buys tickets from them. I’ll have to acquire that info before taking off the last week.
while heading to the sauna, the day’s finale was toped by the cab ride into town. I sat in the passenger seat & conversed in Spanish with the taxi driver. he asked me if I had a family: when I responded no children yet, but “un esposo” (direct translation = 1 husband) we both cracked up laughing. I pushed on, still in Spanish, saying “you know how it is in Canada, we have multiple husbands”…we didn’t stop laughing until he dropped us off. I slept for 14 hours that night.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
a happy ending from my last post...
Jan 19/09
well, the smell in our room was becoming intolerable & this evening the exterminator came to check out the attic. Rose called it – dead animal smell! (I’m reminded of Cornelius, Hannah’s cat, graciously bringing her a dead animal and leaving it under her bed to discover.) there were 2 dead rats in the crawl space, most likely the ones we heard the 1st week when the rain was coming down hard. apparently this house had been abandoned for some time prior to us moving in and rodents had taken over, lol. wow, Arun & Christina must have had a lot of work to do in preparing.
practical skills class today was a continuation, covering maternal & fetal complications; the topic was weighing on me, maybe Sunday’s delivery is just way different than Whapio’s. after that it was a brief class on the release of DMT in the brain (naturally & through plant medicine) and altered states; tomorrow morning we start with Egyptian Alchemy & Medical Astrology. learning about Egypt in Peru is music to my ears! maybe Egypt will be next…
tonight I finally attended my first hospital shift. Belen Pampa’s delivery room is still delayed, the head nurse told Kai, until February! so I’ve jumped onto Hospital Regional de Cusco, which is on our street, Avenue de la Cultura and within walking distance. I went with Emily & Kate for a 7pm start. there wasn’t much happening in maternity/postpartum, so we walked over to the “normal” delivery dept. a woman was about to push her baby out and we hung by the doorway instead of bombarding her with 3 new faces. Kate stayed close to this Quechua woman, who was having her 3rd child, while she was being cleaned up. Emily & I went with the newborn 3.45kg nino (boy) – I’d seen plenty of newborn exams as a doula, but had never really paid close attention to what they were doing. it turned out to be the usual hospital deal: vitamin K injection to the leg, erythromycin ointment in the eyes, baby’s weight/length/head circumference, rubbing off all the vernex/amniotic fluid, and then suctioning – now this part was really messed up! the baby’s Apgar score was great & this was probably at 4 minutes; vigorous, pink, great tone, loud cry, etc, NO NEED to suction! the nurse shoved a long thin plastic tube down past the crying baby’s mouth, to suction out what??? any fluid that came up was completely clear! there was no meconium at all on baby when he came out! it was SO assaulting, I nearly fainted. I wondered what they would do to me if I fainted…I pulled my energy in close to stay centered. “welcome to the world: bright lights, being handled, taken away from mom, a shot in the leg, eyes pulled open to apply blurring gel, stretched out straight after spending 9+ months curled up like a ball, then a tube shoved into both orifices to be suctioned.” all I could do was focus on the baby with love.
afterwards, we wandered back to maternity though not much was going on. we sat down to go over our Spanish when some nurses came along asking why we weren’t working; we’d perused some rooms but mostly all were asleep. we found a postpartum woman who was awake & I began doing my best to understand and translate for Kate & Em. her & her husband own a hostel, she spoke minimal English being in tourism and she asked if we’d visited Machu Pichu yet. Ayde had delivered via c-section & was heading home tomorrow.
then a Spanish woman was being wheeled down the hall to the OR. this petite Peruvian woman was Josefina Segundo, her baby was in a transverse lie, and “required” an emergency c-section. what defines emergency?? would the baby stay inside forever if we did nothing?? I’m having such déjà-vu right now. the nurse stopped in the hall, asked if we spoke Spanish, and explained there were 2 c-sections that would be occurring and only 1 of us could attend.
I introduced myself to the “patient” laying below me on the gurney. shortly after a male “medico” came by and said we could all attend. I was so thankful I wouldn’t be attending alone since I’d not fully recuperated from 10 minutes ago. i threw on green OR scrubs overtop of my maroon ones, my reusable green booties, hair cap and face mask. I scrubbed my hands to elbow, dried off then headed into the OR. Josefina was already prepped and the medico was explaining what was going on. he watched her vitals, kept her fluids full, administered antibiotics and oxytocin. she’d had an epidural a while ago, perhaps it wasn’t topped off properly, (what combo of drugs is used here??) but she could feel “dolor”, pain. the baby was pulled out feet first and was covered in meconium: thick, dark, tar-like poo, usually a sign of fetal distress when the sphincters are lacking tone and pressure on the baby’s body pushes it out. I’d never seen a baby so floppy and limp. Emily and I followed the baby while Kate stayed with mom. the baby girl wasn’t moving, I softly spoke to the baby asking her to come into her body, to breathe. a soft cry emerged, her irregular breathing was labored and her bellybutton was shaking. she was being suctioned for meconium in the lungs and dried off. we relayed to mom the baby was okay and that she was a nina! the women aren’t communicated to really, during this process.
I watched as they sutured Josefina up, her uterus hanging out of her body while they inspected to ensure everything was lining up and complete. oh, and cauterizing? well, the smell of burning flesh is something I can do without. I wondered what it’d be like if I were laying there with my guts open while H was at my head talking with me and simultaneously able to see the science of my body ripped open. the suturing was really well done, the doctor was super calm and focused. mom was asking me something but I couldn’t understand. she passed out, her BP was down to 84/45, her pulse was 76. the nurse began oxygen, her vitals slowly picked up and she came back around. when finished, she’d be moved to recovery before being moved back upstairs to postpartum.
the 2nd c/section was already being started next door, it was also an “emergency” and I could see the woman being given an epidural. Ana Maria Valencia’s baby was also in a transverse lie, she was overweight (an excuse they use sometimes to section) and apparently wasn’t coping well. she too cried out when they were cutting her belly open and pulling her baby boy out. this nino had some meconium on his body, but not like the first baby and he cried right away. after seeing baby was fine, I walked back over to Ana Maria to tell her it was a boy. she was passing in and out, I stood beside her and held her hand so she'd know she wasn't alone - she gave a squeeze back.
Emily wanted to leave after that; it was only 9:30pm and we’d seen 3 deliveries! I definitely needed to sit down. I roamed the halls checking in on all the rooms, asked some women if they needed assistance but everyone was doing well. Kate was off with someone who was in labour. the nurse who’d asked us to attend the c/sections brought me downstairs to the recovery room so we could bring Josefina to the postpartum area. I tried helping her transfer from one stretcher to the other. it’s crazy that after having major abdominal surgery, these women aren’t lifted off one and onto the other gurney. they all have to wiggle themselves over with not much assistance, while everyone watches! only when I said “she’s in pain” did anyone sort of begin to help. we wheeled her up to her room and again, another transfer, now from the gurney into her bed. she had to take off the hospital gown and put on her own clothes she brought. she was still bleeding a bit, we tucked in her blankets, set up her IV pole and the nurse left. I asked if she needed anything, she was cold, so I pulled the blankets up to her neck, pulled the blanket close to her feet and turned her light off. she was in a room with 5 other women. the nurses would come in loudly while others tried to sleep, and would blast the overhead lights on. I took on light patrol and the closing of doors to avoid the hallway noise.
just as I was about to leave the room, another woman asked me over. “?es una amiga de Makenna?” she spoke softly. it was Maria Elena, the woman who Makenna had been with yet wasn’t permitted to attend her c/section. I introduced myself, told her our class had heard about what had happened and began tearing up. I felt so honoured to meet her! I hung out chatting with her in my broken Spanish for a ½ hr, then she wrote Makenna a note with her phone & email info. Makenna has been deemed the child's godparent!! Maria Elena was being discharged tomorrow. while she wrote the note, the woman beside her woke up. she didn’t need anything, but I gently rubbed her back until she fell asleep. what a gift the night was.
i used to say i wanted to cover the entire scope of practice: from abortion to c-section. i think i'll leave c-sections to the surgeons.
well, the smell in our room was becoming intolerable & this evening the exterminator came to check out the attic. Rose called it – dead animal smell! (I’m reminded of Cornelius, Hannah’s cat, graciously bringing her a dead animal and leaving it under her bed to discover.) there were 2 dead rats in the crawl space, most likely the ones we heard the 1st week when the rain was coming down hard. apparently this house had been abandoned for some time prior to us moving in and rodents had taken over, lol. wow, Arun & Christina must have had a lot of work to do in preparing.
practical skills class today was a continuation, covering maternal & fetal complications; the topic was weighing on me, maybe Sunday’s delivery is just way different than Whapio’s. after that it was a brief class on the release of DMT in the brain (naturally & through plant medicine) and altered states; tomorrow morning we start with Egyptian Alchemy & Medical Astrology. learning about Egypt in Peru is music to my ears! maybe Egypt will be next…
tonight I finally attended my first hospital shift. Belen Pampa’s delivery room is still delayed, the head nurse told Kai, until February! so I’ve jumped onto Hospital Regional de Cusco, which is on our street, Avenue de la Cultura and within walking distance. I went with Emily & Kate for a 7pm start. there wasn’t much happening in maternity/postpartum, so we walked over to the “normal” delivery dept. a woman was about to push her baby out and we hung by the doorway instead of bombarding her with 3 new faces. Kate stayed close to this Quechua woman, who was having her 3rd child, while she was being cleaned up. Emily & I went with the newborn 3.45kg nino (boy) – I’d seen plenty of newborn exams as a doula, but had never really paid close attention to what they were doing. it turned out to be the usual hospital deal: vitamin K injection to the leg, erythromycin ointment in the eyes, baby’s weight/length/head circumference, rubbing off all the vernex/amniotic fluid, and then suctioning – now this part was really messed up! the baby’s Apgar score was great & this was probably at 4 minutes; vigorous, pink, great tone, loud cry, etc, NO NEED to suction! the nurse shoved a long thin plastic tube down past the crying baby’s mouth, to suction out what??? any fluid that came up was completely clear! there was no meconium at all on baby when he came out! it was SO assaulting, I nearly fainted. I wondered what they would do to me if I fainted…I pulled my energy in close to stay centered. “welcome to the world: bright lights, being handled, taken away from mom, a shot in the leg, eyes pulled open to apply blurring gel, stretched out straight after spending 9+ months curled up like a ball, then a tube shoved into both orifices to be suctioned.” all I could do was focus on the baby with love.
afterwards, we wandered back to maternity though not much was going on. we sat down to go over our Spanish when some nurses came along asking why we weren’t working; we’d perused some rooms but mostly all were asleep. we found a postpartum woman who was awake & I began doing my best to understand and translate for Kate & Em. her & her husband own a hostel, she spoke minimal English being in tourism and she asked if we’d visited Machu Pichu yet. Ayde had delivered via c-section & was heading home tomorrow.
then a Spanish woman was being wheeled down the hall to the OR. this petite Peruvian woman was Josefina Segundo, her baby was in a transverse lie, and “required” an emergency c-section. what defines emergency?? would the baby stay inside forever if we did nothing?? I’m having such déjà-vu right now. the nurse stopped in the hall, asked if we spoke Spanish, and explained there were 2 c-sections that would be occurring and only 1 of us could attend.
I introduced myself to the “patient” laying below me on the gurney. shortly after a male “medico” came by and said we could all attend. I was so thankful I wouldn’t be attending alone since I’d not fully recuperated from 10 minutes ago. i threw on green OR scrubs overtop of my maroon ones, my reusable green booties, hair cap and face mask. I scrubbed my hands to elbow, dried off then headed into the OR. Josefina was already prepped and the medico was explaining what was going on. he watched her vitals, kept her fluids full, administered antibiotics and oxytocin. she’d had an epidural a while ago, perhaps it wasn’t topped off properly, (what combo of drugs is used here??) but she could feel “dolor”, pain. the baby was pulled out feet first and was covered in meconium: thick, dark, tar-like poo, usually a sign of fetal distress when the sphincters are lacking tone and pressure on the baby’s body pushes it out. I’d never seen a baby so floppy and limp. Emily and I followed the baby while Kate stayed with mom. the baby girl wasn’t moving, I softly spoke to the baby asking her to come into her body, to breathe. a soft cry emerged, her irregular breathing was labored and her bellybutton was shaking. she was being suctioned for meconium in the lungs and dried off. we relayed to mom the baby was okay and that she was a nina! the women aren’t communicated to really, during this process.
I watched as they sutured Josefina up, her uterus hanging out of her body while they inspected to ensure everything was lining up and complete. oh, and cauterizing? well, the smell of burning flesh is something I can do without. I wondered what it’d be like if I were laying there with my guts open while H was at my head talking with me and simultaneously able to see the science of my body ripped open. the suturing was really well done, the doctor was super calm and focused. mom was asking me something but I couldn’t understand. she passed out, her BP was down to 84/45, her pulse was 76. the nurse began oxygen, her vitals slowly picked up and she came back around. when finished, she’d be moved to recovery before being moved back upstairs to postpartum.
the 2nd c/section was already being started next door, it was also an “emergency” and I could see the woman being given an epidural. Ana Maria Valencia’s baby was also in a transverse lie, she was overweight (an excuse they use sometimes to section) and apparently wasn’t coping well. she too cried out when they were cutting her belly open and pulling her baby boy out. this nino had some meconium on his body, but not like the first baby and he cried right away. after seeing baby was fine, I walked back over to Ana Maria to tell her it was a boy. she was passing in and out, I stood beside her and held her hand so she'd know she wasn't alone - she gave a squeeze back.
Emily wanted to leave after that; it was only 9:30pm and we’d seen 3 deliveries! I definitely needed to sit down. I roamed the halls checking in on all the rooms, asked some women if they needed assistance but everyone was doing well. Kate was off with someone who was in labour. the nurse who’d asked us to attend the c/sections brought me downstairs to the recovery room so we could bring Josefina to the postpartum area. I tried helping her transfer from one stretcher to the other. it’s crazy that after having major abdominal surgery, these women aren’t lifted off one and onto the other gurney. they all have to wiggle themselves over with not much assistance, while everyone watches! only when I said “she’s in pain” did anyone sort of begin to help. we wheeled her up to her room and again, another transfer, now from the gurney into her bed. she had to take off the hospital gown and put on her own clothes she brought. she was still bleeding a bit, we tucked in her blankets, set up her IV pole and the nurse left. I asked if she needed anything, she was cold, so I pulled the blankets up to her neck, pulled the blanket close to her feet and turned her light off. she was in a room with 5 other women. the nurses would come in loudly while others tried to sleep, and would blast the overhead lights on. I took on light patrol and the closing of doors to avoid the hallway noise.
just as I was about to leave the room, another woman asked me over. “?es una amiga de Makenna?” she spoke softly. it was Maria Elena, the woman who Makenna had been with yet wasn’t permitted to attend her c/section. I introduced myself, told her our class had heard about what had happened and began tearing up. I felt so honoured to meet her! I hung out chatting with her in my broken Spanish for a ½ hr, then she wrote Makenna a note with her phone & email info. Makenna has been deemed the child's godparent!! Maria Elena was being discharged tomorrow. while she wrote the note, the woman beside her woke up. she didn’t need anything, but I gently rubbed her back until she fell asleep. what a gift the night was.
i used to say i wanted to cover the entire scope of practice: from abortion to c-section. i think i'll leave c-sections to the surgeons.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
women, womb & wonder
Jan. 15/09
the bonds of women have no doubt been evident before the beginning of human existence, in the wild… no doubt i´m experiencing only a sample possibility of our potential together and I am blessed to have experienced so much variety and only continue to spin deeper into such relationships.
it’s no longer about commonality, why not or just because; i may engage with many, will choose compassion to understand all, but i have no interest in pushing further than that unless a deep love is unfolding.
when distance encroaches with one face, I am offered more to choose from. how can I be so full of good fortune? better asked, how do we not all recognize the everyday gift in front of our eyes? maybe everyone does, perhaps I’m simultaneously going deeper into the connections and being awakened on the surface in more daily moments than ever before.
Hannah has been around so long in my heart. we met at Douglas College in 2004 (? or 2003??) in January – oh, this is our anniversary!!! along with my b-day which just past, and hers which is fast approaching. we’ve witnessed a lot of shifts in each other’s lives, and came together at a pinnacle time. since day one, Hannah has been teaching me to look past people’s skin and into their heart – if they’re good, then listen, and if they’re not, look to see the good in them, because it’s there! she’s heartfelt, worldly enough to not be walked over, strong, courageous, and open. always up for a challenge, ready to engage while reflecting within. Hannah reminds me of my own inner strength! she’s my Kenyan touchstone.
Tamar recently came into my world by my following of an inner voice, telling me to quit my job. if I’d been in fear, I may not have met her, despite our common circles, since I was losing touch with the other possible linking threads. Tamar is a powerhouse bursting with love, beauty, song, imagination, creativity and spark! she’s such a gift to be around and a beautiful expression of the feminine! my Israeli touchstone.
Lori has also blessed me with her kindred spirit. I’m fascinated with the ease we share while together; she’s so nurturing just by “being” – I wonder if she’s aware of that? we’ve known each other less than a week, but that doesn’t stop time travel! she inspires my maternal side to ripen, my inquisitiveness to grow and all possibility & choice to flower! there is so much room and maturity, seriousness and play, weaving and tribe. my Peruvian home, mi hermosa, it’s been too long.
my life has been filled with women, all teachers. my life is rich with goddesses, all so unique. and I wonder if the abundance will ever cease? when I say “enough” more flows in, with such ease, how can I resist? I expand in unison. will I be 94, blissed out by so much feminine depth?!
we are all mirrors, looking upon each other through a variety of lenses, the way existence lives through so many eyes.
Jan. 16/09
it’s 11:11pm, I’m sitting in bed – Rose is at a homebirth with Sunday (a midwife here) and Liz is on a 12hr shift at the hospital. our room would be quiet if it weren’t for the thin walls and skylights, which allow the all night long construction to play itself out, along with the occasional hollering and “romantic Peruvian movie” style music. no by-laws or regulations here, lol.
the week has been full-on and alive! the clinica I’m volunteering at has been under renovations and of course, like every renovation I’ve ever heard of, is running behind. I’ll find out tomorrow (Sat) what the verdict is. it’s worked out well though, I’ve been able to attend a bunch of classes I’d not planned on, mostly review from the past year, and it’s amazing to see what i’m comfortable with and what still needs understanding.
Aerina & I traveled to an oby’s clinic today (obstetrician), named Isabel. she’s extremely nurturing; it shows in her eyes though I don’t understand a lot of what she speaks. she had 2 oby students working along side, who allowed Aerina & I to alternate with the prenatal appointments. we did blood pressure (I bought a cuff this week), pulse, checked for edema (swelling) in the legs, measured baby’s fundal height (from the pubic bone to the fundus, which is the top of the uterus – a shelf-like feeling), palpation (feeling baby’s position) and heart tones with a doppler. I’d like to practice doing heart tones with a stethoscope, toilet paper roll or pinard horn (beautiful double-sided flat horn made of wood – anyone have one to donate to me?), then be counting the heart beat, instead of using an electric hand-held device that calculates it for you.
Isabel is friends with Sunday and delivered her own baby only about one week ago. it’s a ministry clinica, meaning covered by the government, as the hospitals are as well, unlike the private clinics where once you get in, pay a monthly fee then are covered for everything. this ministry clinica hires Isabel on a 3 month contract, though she can be fired at any time. they threatened this, which is why she went back to work after 3 days postpartum! it’s almost inhumane compared to our cushy 1 year maternity or split paternity leave.
here the husband and family members aren’t permitted to attend the birth! being the protector of their loved one, no doubt they would battle the doctors if they witnessed the disrespect that goes on; routine episiotomies (cutting the perineum often to the anus), not allowing them to walk around or use gravity to labour or birth, being able to feel pain during the episiotomy suturing and during c-section!!! women have been reported to wiggle their feet and toes yet the doctors respond “what did you expect, birth is supposed to hurt”. pressure, sure, but not pain.
Brook & Makenna watched a couple c-sections one shift, where the doctor not only pulled out the woman’s uterus & ovaries, but her intestines as well. they described that the doctor just shoved everything in when it all refused to stay put. one of the women was asked out during surgery, people power trip and seem to have a total disconnect from the birthing women and they speak casually about their social lives, while a woman is going through her right of passage. women are continuously bothered and asked redundant questions, constantly being called back from the cosmos; their comfort, thoughts and feelings are of no concern.
a husband told them “please don’t leave my wife” upon entering the OR. and today, Makenna was refused to attend a woman’s c-section after spending 18hrs with her, only because the hospital was out of clean green OR scrubs; the woman cried out for Makenna, while she was wheeled down the hall. the grandma was waiting in the waiting room and had entrusted a small charm bracelet to place on the baby after being born. the nurse wouldn’t do it; such a small act. they snuff our nurturing as strange, because they’ve not witnessed it before. the grandma & Makenna cried together after she explained what had occurred. doulas aren’t ¨permitted¨ yet either (despite the law that was passed in Feb/06), so these women labour alone and they are so grateful for having us there. when Sunday is asked to give talks, they’re referred to as “giving birth humanely” whereas the hospital births are called “institutional birth”.
even when someone biologically knows one thing is better, the action is still disregarded and patterns & protocol run deep. don’t get me wrong, North America has their own protocols, (we’re addicted to taking heart tones & call everything fetal distress!) but maybe more families know their “rights” and that they have choice to say no. tonight, Isabelle (woman in class) attended her first birth…and she got to catch the baby! when they asked her to perform an episiotomy (which is done on all ¨primips¨/1st time moms in Cusco), the baby’s head was crowning and she tried stalling then eventually said it isn’t done in the USA. the nurse became nervous & did it anyway. Isabelle wouldn’t have done it even if she knew how… a lot of this feels violating, like a crime against the wisdom of birth. a couple of the clinics think we’re in between 3rd – 5th year oby students (lol) since midwifery although is totally legal, isn´t as highly regarded by the hospitals as obstetrics.
I’ve been contemplating privilege this week and how I can use my own. I’ve fantasized for years over opening a birth center, but it seems like too much red tape in Vancouver. being in the circle of so many powerful women right now, I know it’s possible to practice in a group while maintaining, sustaining and enhancing the purity of the creation. Whapio (my teacher) is so effective at bringing different women holding similar creation together. why would I struggle to achieve something somewhere (Vanc) when it could be manifested in another country? I’ll never forget Sarah (midwife at The Midwifery Group) sharing her internship in Mexico with me. her ability to stop one routing episiotomy in a day seemed to out weigh the pampering that was going on back home. after her return while in a prenatal appointment, the woman’s main concern was which stroller to purchase, with a price level range going up to $1000.00. where can a real difference be made & appreciated, in the grand scheme of things? while I ranted yesterday afternoon to Whapio, in her grace she replied “Angela, it’s already done, we’re just taking the steps”.
I AM READY!!!! I am ready to step out of protocols, to nurture women the way I know is possible, and to bypass the institutions. what is created out of doing so much genetic testing or fetal monitoring? Christina has been working with an 80-year-old midwife from the jungle; this woman has NEVER taken heart tones in her life. when Christina enquired further the woman responded “don’t you think we’d know if there was a problem with the baby?” it was so humbling. and out of Whapio´s 25 years of practicing midwifery, she has only had one true case of fetal distress that transferred to the hospital. Zuki has had none. why the hell do we routinely take fetal heart tones while a woman is pushing??
after class yesterday I noticed “cold” sensations coming on and today it’s full-blown. I also began my moon today, no cramps, though lots of emotion. I’ve been so strong the past 2 weeks, but tonight I felt so lonely. Brook was doing dishes in the kitchen as I helped myself to some water. I started sobbing; she gave me a big hug and held me tightly while I let it all out. I’d been tearing up all day and needed the release.
Jan. 17th/09
my love is enough… i am understanding the depth of this personal statement. I’m walking where I’ve never been before, I’m taking right action, being invisible, being a woman, containing my energy, being who I need to be for me without competition with any other woman. i don’t need the lesson of trust, honesty or being faithful; I’m no longer a female in her 20’s – I’ve witnessed the 30 years wise woman within!! i know my choice and with whom my heart is bestowed. the burden of unharnessed energy is no longer mine. I know where my sexual energy belongs and flaunting it about is not the grace of a woman’s way. she knows it exists, she feels it in every moment, needs no recognition from the exterior to qualify her quality; she can shine comfortably, invisibly, as the universe flows through her being.
the bonds of women have no doubt been evident before the beginning of human existence, in the wild… no doubt i´m experiencing only a sample possibility of our potential together and I am blessed to have experienced so much variety and only continue to spin deeper into such relationships.
it’s no longer about commonality, why not or just because; i may engage with many, will choose compassion to understand all, but i have no interest in pushing further than that unless a deep love is unfolding.
when distance encroaches with one face, I am offered more to choose from. how can I be so full of good fortune? better asked, how do we not all recognize the everyday gift in front of our eyes? maybe everyone does, perhaps I’m simultaneously going deeper into the connections and being awakened on the surface in more daily moments than ever before.
Hannah has been around so long in my heart. we met at Douglas College in 2004 (? or 2003??) in January – oh, this is our anniversary!!! along with my b-day which just past, and hers which is fast approaching. we’ve witnessed a lot of shifts in each other’s lives, and came together at a pinnacle time. since day one, Hannah has been teaching me to look past people’s skin and into their heart – if they’re good, then listen, and if they’re not, look to see the good in them, because it’s there! she’s heartfelt, worldly enough to not be walked over, strong, courageous, and open. always up for a challenge, ready to engage while reflecting within. Hannah reminds me of my own inner strength! she’s my Kenyan touchstone.
Tamar recently came into my world by my following of an inner voice, telling me to quit my job. if I’d been in fear, I may not have met her, despite our common circles, since I was losing touch with the other possible linking threads. Tamar is a powerhouse bursting with love, beauty, song, imagination, creativity and spark! she’s such a gift to be around and a beautiful expression of the feminine! my Israeli touchstone.
Lori has also blessed me with her kindred spirit. I’m fascinated with the ease we share while together; she’s so nurturing just by “being” – I wonder if she’s aware of that? we’ve known each other less than a week, but that doesn’t stop time travel! she inspires my maternal side to ripen, my inquisitiveness to grow and all possibility & choice to flower! there is so much room and maturity, seriousness and play, weaving and tribe. my Peruvian home, mi hermosa, it’s been too long.
my life has been filled with women, all teachers. my life is rich with goddesses, all so unique. and I wonder if the abundance will ever cease? when I say “enough” more flows in, with such ease, how can I resist? I expand in unison. will I be 94, blissed out by so much feminine depth?!
we are all mirrors, looking upon each other through a variety of lenses, the way existence lives through so many eyes.
Jan. 16/09
it’s 11:11pm, I’m sitting in bed – Rose is at a homebirth with Sunday (a midwife here) and Liz is on a 12hr shift at the hospital. our room would be quiet if it weren’t for the thin walls and skylights, which allow the all night long construction to play itself out, along with the occasional hollering and “romantic Peruvian movie” style music. no by-laws or regulations here, lol.
the week has been full-on and alive! the clinica I’m volunteering at has been under renovations and of course, like every renovation I’ve ever heard of, is running behind. I’ll find out tomorrow (Sat) what the verdict is. it’s worked out well though, I’ve been able to attend a bunch of classes I’d not planned on, mostly review from the past year, and it’s amazing to see what i’m comfortable with and what still needs understanding.
Aerina & I traveled to an oby’s clinic today (obstetrician), named Isabel. she’s extremely nurturing; it shows in her eyes though I don’t understand a lot of what she speaks. she had 2 oby students working along side, who allowed Aerina & I to alternate with the prenatal appointments. we did blood pressure (I bought a cuff this week), pulse, checked for edema (swelling) in the legs, measured baby’s fundal height (from the pubic bone to the fundus, which is the top of the uterus – a shelf-like feeling), palpation (feeling baby’s position) and heart tones with a doppler. I’d like to practice doing heart tones with a stethoscope, toilet paper roll or pinard horn (beautiful double-sided flat horn made of wood – anyone have one to donate to me?), then be counting the heart beat, instead of using an electric hand-held device that calculates it for you.
Isabel is friends with Sunday and delivered her own baby only about one week ago. it’s a ministry clinica, meaning covered by the government, as the hospitals are as well, unlike the private clinics where once you get in, pay a monthly fee then are covered for everything. this ministry clinica hires Isabel on a 3 month contract, though she can be fired at any time. they threatened this, which is why she went back to work after 3 days postpartum! it’s almost inhumane compared to our cushy 1 year maternity or split paternity leave.
here the husband and family members aren’t permitted to attend the birth! being the protector of their loved one, no doubt they would battle the doctors if they witnessed the disrespect that goes on; routine episiotomies (cutting the perineum often to the anus), not allowing them to walk around or use gravity to labour or birth, being able to feel pain during the episiotomy suturing and during c-section!!! women have been reported to wiggle their feet and toes yet the doctors respond “what did you expect, birth is supposed to hurt”. pressure, sure, but not pain.
Brook & Makenna watched a couple c-sections one shift, where the doctor not only pulled out the woman’s uterus & ovaries, but her intestines as well. they described that the doctor just shoved everything in when it all refused to stay put. one of the women was asked out during surgery, people power trip and seem to have a total disconnect from the birthing women and they speak casually about their social lives, while a woman is going through her right of passage. women are continuously bothered and asked redundant questions, constantly being called back from the cosmos; their comfort, thoughts and feelings are of no concern.
a husband told them “please don’t leave my wife” upon entering the OR. and today, Makenna was refused to attend a woman’s c-section after spending 18hrs with her, only because the hospital was out of clean green OR scrubs; the woman cried out for Makenna, while she was wheeled down the hall. the grandma was waiting in the waiting room and had entrusted a small charm bracelet to place on the baby after being born. the nurse wouldn’t do it; such a small act. they snuff our nurturing as strange, because they’ve not witnessed it before. the grandma & Makenna cried together after she explained what had occurred. doulas aren’t ¨permitted¨ yet either (despite the law that was passed in Feb/06), so these women labour alone and they are so grateful for having us there. when Sunday is asked to give talks, they’re referred to as “giving birth humanely” whereas the hospital births are called “institutional birth”.
even when someone biologically knows one thing is better, the action is still disregarded and patterns & protocol run deep. don’t get me wrong, North America has their own protocols, (we’re addicted to taking heart tones & call everything fetal distress!) but maybe more families know their “rights” and that they have choice to say no. tonight, Isabelle (woman in class) attended her first birth…and she got to catch the baby! when they asked her to perform an episiotomy (which is done on all ¨primips¨/1st time moms in Cusco), the baby’s head was crowning and she tried stalling then eventually said it isn’t done in the USA. the nurse became nervous & did it anyway. Isabelle wouldn’t have done it even if she knew how… a lot of this feels violating, like a crime against the wisdom of birth. a couple of the clinics think we’re in between 3rd – 5th year oby students (lol) since midwifery although is totally legal, isn´t as highly regarded by the hospitals as obstetrics.
I’ve been contemplating privilege this week and how I can use my own. I’ve fantasized for years over opening a birth center, but it seems like too much red tape in Vancouver. being in the circle of so many powerful women right now, I know it’s possible to practice in a group while maintaining, sustaining and enhancing the purity of the creation. Whapio (my teacher) is so effective at bringing different women holding similar creation together. why would I struggle to achieve something somewhere (Vanc) when it could be manifested in another country? I’ll never forget Sarah (midwife at The Midwifery Group) sharing her internship in Mexico with me. her ability to stop one routing episiotomy in a day seemed to out weigh the pampering that was going on back home. after her return while in a prenatal appointment, the woman’s main concern was which stroller to purchase, with a price level range going up to $1000.00. where can a real difference be made & appreciated, in the grand scheme of things? while I ranted yesterday afternoon to Whapio, in her grace she replied “Angela, it’s already done, we’re just taking the steps”.
I AM READY!!!! I am ready to step out of protocols, to nurture women the way I know is possible, and to bypass the institutions. what is created out of doing so much genetic testing or fetal monitoring? Christina has been working with an 80-year-old midwife from the jungle; this woman has NEVER taken heart tones in her life. when Christina enquired further the woman responded “don’t you think we’d know if there was a problem with the baby?” it was so humbling. and out of Whapio´s 25 years of practicing midwifery, she has only had one true case of fetal distress that transferred to the hospital. Zuki has had none. why the hell do we routinely take fetal heart tones while a woman is pushing??
after class yesterday I noticed “cold” sensations coming on and today it’s full-blown. I also began my moon today, no cramps, though lots of emotion. I’ve been so strong the past 2 weeks, but tonight I felt so lonely. Brook was doing dishes in the kitchen as I helped myself to some water. I started sobbing; she gave me a big hug and held me tightly while I let it all out. I’d been tearing up all day and needed the release.
Jan. 17th/09
my love is enough… i am understanding the depth of this personal statement. I’m walking where I’ve never been before, I’m taking right action, being invisible, being a woman, containing my energy, being who I need to be for me without competition with any other woman. i don’t need the lesson of trust, honesty or being faithful; I’m no longer a female in her 20’s – I’ve witnessed the 30 years wise woman within!! i know my choice and with whom my heart is bestowed. the burden of unharnessed energy is no longer mine. I know where my sexual energy belongs and flaunting it about is not the grace of a woman’s way. she knows it exists, she feels it in every moment, needs no recognition from the exterior to qualify her quality; she can shine comfortably, invisibly, as the universe flows through her being.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
a conscious journey...
Jan 9
I slept so well, around 4am I inserted my ear plugs so I’d not be woken up by the morning noise. the san pedro medicine was watched in shifts throughout the early morning, then strained. Jaydee, Emily (who knows Jennie) and her husband Matt arrived early this morning. the house is now complete, and full!
Liz, Rose, Aerina & I headed to San Blas to check out a few things. we stopped in to the coffee shop, had some fresh mango lassie and talked with a woman we’d purchased from 2 days ago. her name is Helga; she speaks a little English, a lot of Spanish, and mostly Quechua. she travels by bus 30km from outside of Cusco, to sell her goods in the expensive part of town. I bought a red woven belt from her the other day & today I watched how she makes them. I asked if I could take her photo, then gave her some change as an appreciation, and my camera died (!!!), so I borrowed Liz’s. most of the women I’ve met or seen have so much joy in their face! I gave her a kiss on the cheek, a hug & said so long for now.
we headed down the hill to the Coca Shop, run by a Peruvian man, Christo, who also spoke French and English. he’d been running the shop for 10 years, and won the Italian “slow food” award in 2002. think about what fast food represents – it’s the complete opposite! everything is hand made, everything!! and he only accepts soles, to honor his home. I whacked my head on the door hanging when I walked in, and immediately he started feeding me chocolate, lol. his shop carries coca chocolates, coca ice cream, coca brownies, cookies, etc.
Christo started explaining the molecular structure of everything found in nature compared to what we create in allopathic medicine and it was fascinating!! (he’s emailing me the excel spreadsheet-I thought more people should see this!) he said cocaine is to coca, as mescaline is to san pedro, as nicotine is to tobacco and caffeine is to coffee – it’s all nature made. he explained that coca turned into crack then white cocaine is all chemical processing (which I kinda knew, but not really – I mean how often do we speak openly about such things?). we all hung out for a bit chatting about everything. there was a woman in Italy doing research on the holistic benefits of coca and was later banned by the USDA and that it’s all regulated by the United Nations (of course it is, what a b.s. cover!) Utah Phillips (singer) said “people will always tell you what good you can do with dirty money”. the main benefits high calcium content, therefore osteoporosis is non existent in these women, and high vitamin E, so a lot of creams are made with it as well. it was another piece of preparing to tonight, and I’m sooooo excited!!
Whapio had a vision when she awoke from her nap that we were meant to stay at our house, to initiate the home and she felt the travel would be rough on those who’d only recently arrived. not everyone was planning on coming either so this way we were able to all be together. Having calc carb (homeo) tendencies, I was happy to stay home, lol. the only downfall was that Aaron, John and Abel weren’t necessarily coming and I really needed to dance to some good music.
we began the ceremony at 9pm and one cup was the usual dose, though some people started with ½ and had more later. Whapio asked the men to drink first (Eric, Matt & Cesar, who is our cook’s “Abbi’s”, boyfriend), then the two January 7th women simultaneously approached the table. we all shared from a few mugs (usually it’s one but their were so many of us) and began singing songs. I sat quietly and grounded inside with my mug before welcoming the plant into my mouth and body. San Pedro didn’t taste bad, it’s just bitter and our taste buds are no longer adapted to such flavors. drinking became a bit more difficult as I got to the end of the cup & couldn’t finish.
I could first feel it my third eye, then gently flowing through my blood. a fire had been started outside but I stayed in near the space heater to keep warm. Lori and I chatted a little; she’s one of the women I’ve naturally felt drawn to. we spoke about our individual paths of midwifery and everything that has been leading up to this moment. Lori needed to purge and went to a washroom close by. Makenna entered the room shortly after asking if everyone was okay, then left. What defines being okay? I was reminded that the definition varies between people. if Makenna had heard Lori, she most likely would’ve been concerned, but Lori was actually welcoming the cleanse!
the thoughts began flowing in about control. I remembered mom telling me she was never drawn to drugs because she didn’t enjoy feeling out of control; where had I picked that up along the way and what was mine and what was hers? dad was quite comfortable, but his side of the family tends to excess, so where was the middle ground? I’m learning to navigate this realm, to master my body and drop the fear losing control. my desire to write and photograph was one method I used to keep me in my head, and if I went to sleep, I’d only be avoiding what san pedro had to offer me.
Sitting in the living room with my eyes closed, I stepped into my body and everything was soooo clear. everything was shifting too quickly to articulate; everything was in rainbow (the Incan flag), fine lines, so much geometry and the images were symmetrical. I’d like to paint what I saw. I wasn’t seeing anything when my eyes were open, it wasn’t like that, only when I was within. there was an a bird that looked prehistoric then changed into a dove, then a butterfly, that flew out of this circular kaleidoscope crystal. everything was pitch black, except for every animal I saw on this journey was in rainbow. the crystal’s insides fell into the end of the universe; control had dropped out of the centre, leaving only the frame, and I was pulled to leave my mind.
I thought “if I fully let go of my body/needs, I may leave my body behind, I may die”. But, I was being told to let go of my own subtle layers of control, to completely let go. I’m always trying to manage my mind, manage others, be so premeditated in my speech that very little is authentic. even if what I want to say is true, it’s very rarely emerging from my mouth for the 1st time. there’s a difference between thinking something through before speaking and being calculated in every action. I don’t think I’d completely lost my ability to be spontaneous, but this journey is to see my hidden layers.
I gave much thanks to Bez, as he was the one who properly introduced hallucinogenics into my world (I guess that’s why I’d waited to experiment until I was older). The environment is so key; create a clean sacred space, have proper nourishment, the right music, a supply of water, the right people, an intention, and a willingness/agreement with the plant. “thank you Bezzy, my shaman of darkness, I love you!” I wished he’d been on the journey as well, but I had to let that go eventually too.
I got really cold and went upstairs to grab more layers. it was raining on and off, but I wasn’t ready to go outside yet. i grabbed my journal, began drawing and enjoyed some time alone. when I went back downstairs, one group of people were talking a lot. of course i blurted out “you guys are talking a lot”, I typically speak the truth bluntly. because I’d just recognized my own mind, I wanted others to also be conscious of where they were acting from, which is another form of control if someone isn’t ready. taking san pedro was serious and sacred for me…clearly, I’m not in the same process as everyone else.
a lot was coming up around the masculine, perhaps before san pedro is a masculine plant, where as ayahuasca is a feminine plant. in that quietness within, I thought of H…there have been many times where he doesn’t need to explain something to me (even though I want him too), and he’s grounded inside of himself. I’ve experienced many men to be this way, but it became clear, no matter what, I know me and I don’t need to explain myself to anyone! In that state I saw how I really don’t know him at all and how in love I am with him. just because he is one way for a certain period of time does not mean that is who he is. I certainly feel a lot of shift within and would hate to remain the same forever.
Aaron arrived, then Abel, his wife Maria and their daughter and Abel’s cousin John. the rain had passed, I took a sheep’s skin onto the lawn and sat in front of the fire listening to the amazing music. whoever coined the term “come to your senses” must have been trying to pull someone into their head/mind. it couldn’t have been to assist them back to their true self. I became present to how amazing it is to be me and to know myself! and to be a woman! I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world :)
past life memories began to surface and it became clear to me why Abel would be the one to tattoo me, why I’ve waited so long; I’ve known him before. and the idea of ever trying to capture a tattoo as intricate and alive as what my mind can see is a pretty tough feat, so I dropped that too. “a tattoo is only as permanent as this body is” – Ani Difranco.
I was continuously visited by the snake, butterfly, different sorts of birds that shifted into bats, the turtle and the spider. Lori and I danced most of the night. Abel played the didgeridoo, Maria drummed, Aaron played a large wooden flute, John also drummed. everything became part of the music; Abel’s circular breathing noises, the moments where he was drumming and would make “chsss, chsss, tsss, tsss” noises and Lori who rhythmically would say “okay okay” with her eyes closed. this one song played for about an hour. wood constantly fed the fire and the rain began to come on strong. everything and everyone was soaking. you could see drops of water pouring off the didgeridoo when John was playing it.
I brought the lambskin inside along with my alpaca slippers, rolled up my white pant legs, took off my leg warmers, put my blue hood on, and stepped barefoot into the grass – it was time to dance! I embraced the rain and all the animals I felt within. I was clear that just being a woman, a woman in her power is sexual. I don’t need to do anything with it, but it was good to be aware of my natural “arking” with all that was living and breathing in my surroundings. the snake had me moving as though it was emerging and I’d often let out a loud shamanic breath. everything was so familiar. Aaron asked Christina “isn’t she the one who had bad altitude sickness the other day?” lol, always rising.
the rooster began to rise then eventually the 1st bird followed. it’s one bird that flies back and forth singing, trying to cover as much land as possible to awaken other birds – now I know how it’s done. the sky was getting light and I ran inside to cut up some fresh passion fruit and melon to share. all were grateful while we sat quietly allowing our tastebuds to explode and our bodies to hydrate. we were running low on wood and began burning random scraps in the yard.
it’s a frightening thing to think of another land as my home – what do I do with this information? it’s only been one week though, but I could see myself apprenticing here long term. I spoke and said “when I’m ready to die, this is the place in time I’m coming back to”.
Jan. 10
I went to sleep at 6:30am and rose at 5pm – I’d be sleep deprived without my ear plugs! we all sat in circle and did introductions. i had the best mango i´ve even had for dinner, along with a lot of fresh vegetables; long green beans, the largest bunch of cilantro, the spiciest basil and tasty tomatoes. tomorrow we go over our schedules and do some altering as there’ve been changes at the clinic I was going to be assisting at. i crawled into bed and watched Miyazaki´s ¨Ponyo¨.
Jan. 11
i picked up more sustanance from the San Pedro market; felt wonderful and conscious all day. we sorted our clinic and class schedules for the next month as well, since everything begins tomorrow!! i´ll still be assisting at la Posta Belen Pampa; the turnover is slower than the hospitals, but it feels right to be there. and i dropped one shift so i´ll only be doing 4 instead of 5. most people are doing 2-3. a bunch of us headed down to la placa de armes for dinner. the best part was a purple corn which is juiced, sweetened, then i added some lime to it.
I slept so well, around 4am I inserted my ear plugs so I’d not be woken up by the morning noise. the san pedro medicine was watched in shifts throughout the early morning, then strained. Jaydee, Emily (who knows Jennie) and her husband Matt arrived early this morning. the house is now complete, and full!
Liz, Rose, Aerina & I headed to San Blas to check out a few things. we stopped in to the coffee shop, had some fresh mango lassie and talked with a woman we’d purchased from 2 days ago. her name is Helga; she speaks a little English, a lot of Spanish, and mostly Quechua. she travels by bus 30km from outside of Cusco, to sell her goods in the expensive part of town. I bought a red woven belt from her the other day & today I watched how she makes them. I asked if I could take her photo, then gave her some change as an appreciation, and my camera died (!!!), so I borrowed Liz’s. most of the women I’ve met or seen have so much joy in their face! I gave her a kiss on the cheek, a hug & said so long for now.
we headed down the hill to the Coca Shop, run by a Peruvian man, Christo, who also spoke French and English. he’d been running the shop for 10 years, and won the Italian “slow food” award in 2002. think about what fast food represents – it’s the complete opposite! everything is hand made, everything!! and he only accepts soles, to honor his home. I whacked my head on the door hanging when I walked in, and immediately he started feeding me chocolate, lol. his shop carries coca chocolates, coca ice cream, coca brownies, cookies, etc.
Christo started explaining the molecular structure of everything found in nature compared to what we create in allopathic medicine and it was fascinating!! (he’s emailing me the excel spreadsheet-I thought more people should see this!) he said cocaine is to coca, as mescaline is to san pedro, as nicotine is to tobacco and caffeine is to coffee – it’s all nature made. he explained that coca turned into crack then white cocaine is all chemical processing (which I kinda knew, but not really – I mean how often do we speak openly about such things?). we all hung out for a bit chatting about everything. there was a woman in Italy doing research on the holistic benefits of coca and was later banned by the USDA and that it’s all regulated by the United Nations (of course it is, what a b.s. cover!) Utah Phillips (singer) said “people will always tell you what good you can do with dirty money”. the main benefits high calcium content, therefore osteoporosis is non existent in these women, and high vitamin E, so a lot of creams are made with it as well. it was another piece of preparing to tonight, and I’m sooooo excited!!
Whapio had a vision when she awoke from her nap that we were meant to stay at our house, to initiate the home and she felt the travel would be rough on those who’d only recently arrived. not everyone was planning on coming either so this way we were able to all be together. Having calc carb (homeo) tendencies, I was happy to stay home, lol. the only downfall was that Aaron, John and Abel weren’t necessarily coming and I really needed to dance to some good music.
we began the ceremony at 9pm and one cup was the usual dose, though some people started with ½ and had more later. Whapio asked the men to drink first (Eric, Matt & Cesar, who is our cook’s “Abbi’s”, boyfriend), then the two January 7th women simultaneously approached the table. we all shared from a few mugs (usually it’s one but their were so many of us) and began singing songs. I sat quietly and grounded inside with my mug before welcoming the plant into my mouth and body. San Pedro didn’t taste bad, it’s just bitter and our taste buds are no longer adapted to such flavors. drinking became a bit more difficult as I got to the end of the cup & couldn’t finish.
I could first feel it my third eye, then gently flowing through my blood. a fire had been started outside but I stayed in near the space heater to keep warm. Lori and I chatted a little; she’s one of the women I’ve naturally felt drawn to. we spoke about our individual paths of midwifery and everything that has been leading up to this moment. Lori needed to purge and went to a washroom close by. Makenna entered the room shortly after asking if everyone was okay, then left. What defines being okay? I was reminded that the definition varies between people. if Makenna had heard Lori, she most likely would’ve been concerned, but Lori was actually welcoming the cleanse!
the thoughts began flowing in about control. I remembered mom telling me she was never drawn to drugs because she didn’t enjoy feeling out of control; where had I picked that up along the way and what was mine and what was hers? dad was quite comfortable, but his side of the family tends to excess, so where was the middle ground? I’m learning to navigate this realm, to master my body and drop the fear losing control. my desire to write and photograph was one method I used to keep me in my head, and if I went to sleep, I’d only be avoiding what san pedro had to offer me.
Sitting in the living room with my eyes closed, I stepped into my body and everything was soooo clear. everything was shifting too quickly to articulate; everything was in rainbow (the Incan flag), fine lines, so much geometry and the images were symmetrical. I’d like to paint what I saw. I wasn’t seeing anything when my eyes were open, it wasn’t like that, only when I was within. there was an a bird that looked prehistoric then changed into a dove, then a butterfly, that flew out of this circular kaleidoscope crystal. everything was pitch black, except for every animal I saw on this journey was in rainbow. the crystal’s insides fell into the end of the universe; control had dropped out of the centre, leaving only the frame, and I was pulled to leave my mind.
I thought “if I fully let go of my body/needs, I may leave my body behind, I may die”. But, I was being told to let go of my own subtle layers of control, to completely let go. I’m always trying to manage my mind, manage others, be so premeditated in my speech that very little is authentic. even if what I want to say is true, it’s very rarely emerging from my mouth for the 1st time. there’s a difference between thinking something through before speaking and being calculated in every action. I don’t think I’d completely lost my ability to be spontaneous, but this journey is to see my hidden layers.
I gave much thanks to Bez, as he was the one who properly introduced hallucinogenics into my world (I guess that’s why I’d waited to experiment until I was older). The environment is so key; create a clean sacred space, have proper nourishment, the right music, a supply of water, the right people, an intention, and a willingness/agreement with the plant. “thank you Bezzy, my shaman of darkness, I love you!” I wished he’d been on the journey as well, but I had to let that go eventually too.
I got really cold and went upstairs to grab more layers. it was raining on and off, but I wasn’t ready to go outside yet. i grabbed my journal, began drawing and enjoyed some time alone. when I went back downstairs, one group of people were talking a lot. of course i blurted out “you guys are talking a lot”, I typically speak the truth bluntly. because I’d just recognized my own mind, I wanted others to also be conscious of where they were acting from, which is another form of control if someone isn’t ready. taking san pedro was serious and sacred for me…clearly, I’m not in the same process as everyone else.
a lot was coming up around the masculine, perhaps before san pedro is a masculine plant, where as ayahuasca is a feminine plant. in that quietness within, I thought of H…there have been many times where he doesn’t need to explain something to me (even though I want him too), and he’s grounded inside of himself. I’ve experienced many men to be this way, but it became clear, no matter what, I know me and I don’t need to explain myself to anyone! In that state I saw how I really don’t know him at all and how in love I am with him. just because he is one way for a certain period of time does not mean that is who he is. I certainly feel a lot of shift within and would hate to remain the same forever.
Aaron arrived, then Abel, his wife Maria and their daughter and Abel’s cousin John. the rain had passed, I took a sheep’s skin onto the lawn and sat in front of the fire listening to the amazing music. whoever coined the term “come to your senses” must have been trying to pull someone into their head/mind. it couldn’t have been to assist them back to their true self. I became present to how amazing it is to be me and to know myself! and to be a woman! I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world :)
past life memories began to surface and it became clear to me why Abel would be the one to tattoo me, why I’ve waited so long; I’ve known him before. and the idea of ever trying to capture a tattoo as intricate and alive as what my mind can see is a pretty tough feat, so I dropped that too. “a tattoo is only as permanent as this body is” – Ani Difranco.
I was continuously visited by the snake, butterfly, different sorts of birds that shifted into bats, the turtle and the spider. Lori and I danced most of the night. Abel played the didgeridoo, Maria drummed, Aaron played a large wooden flute, John also drummed. everything became part of the music; Abel’s circular breathing noises, the moments where he was drumming and would make “chsss, chsss, tsss, tsss” noises and Lori who rhythmically would say “okay okay” with her eyes closed. this one song played for about an hour. wood constantly fed the fire and the rain began to come on strong. everything and everyone was soaking. you could see drops of water pouring off the didgeridoo when John was playing it.
I brought the lambskin inside along with my alpaca slippers, rolled up my white pant legs, took off my leg warmers, put my blue hood on, and stepped barefoot into the grass – it was time to dance! I embraced the rain and all the animals I felt within. I was clear that just being a woman, a woman in her power is sexual. I don’t need to do anything with it, but it was good to be aware of my natural “arking” with all that was living and breathing in my surroundings. the snake had me moving as though it was emerging and I’d often let out a loud shamanic breath. everything was so familiar. Aaron asked Christina “isn’t she the one who had bad altitude sickness the other day?” lol, always rising.
the rooster began to rise then eventually the 1st bird followed. it’s one bird that flies back and forth singing, trying to cover as much land as possible to awaken other birds – now I know how it’s done. the sky was getting light and I ran inside to cut up some fresh passion fruit and melon to share. all were grateful while we sat quietly allowing our tastebuds to explode and our bodies to hydrate. we were running low on wood and began burning random scraps in the yard.
it’s a frightening thing to think of another land as my home – what do I do with this information? it’s only been one week though, but I could see myself apprenticing here long term. I spoke and said “when I’m ready to die, this is the place in time I’m coming back to”.
Jan. 10
I went to sleep at 6:30am and rose at 5pm – I’d be sleep deprived without my ear plugs! we all sat in circle and did introductions. i had the best mango i´ve even had for dinner, along with a lot of fresh vegetables; long green beans, the largest bunch of cilantro, the spiciest basil and tasty tomatoes. tomorrow we go over our schedules and do some altering as there’ve been changes at the clinic I was going to be assisting at. i crawled into bed and watched Miyazaki´s ¨Ponyo¨.
Jan. 11
i picked up more sustanance from the San Pedro market; felt wonderful and conscious all day. we sorted our clinic and class schedules for the next month as well, since everything begins tomorrow!! i´ll still be assisting at la Posta Belen Pampa; the turnover is slower than the hospitals, but it feels right to be there. and i dropped one shift so i´ll only be doing 4 instead of 5. most people are doing 2-3. a bunch of us headed down to la placa de armes for dinner. the best part was a purple corn which is juiced, sweetened, then i added some lime to it.
Friday, January 9, 2009
unravelling
Jan 8
i didn’t turn the lights off until 2:30am this morning – it’s so wonderful to be writing again, it feeds my soul! I slept well in my new abode, and dosed through the morning continuously peering over to see if Rose was still sleeping, using her as my alarm clock, since she never slept late. When I got up, i was ready to engage the day, feeling fresh! there was a new sensation brewing, like a door was now permanently ajar, and I knew what I had to do for me.
I got ready, then buzzed downstairs to see who was heading out and where they were going. the Artisan’s market & San Pedro market were on my list, which was where Scout & Aerina were heading, so Rose and I joined to share a taxi. I felt weird vibes, as if S & A wanted to hang alone, but when I checked in they said it was “all good”. how do I interact with another’s initial impression & their subconscious behaviours? what a pain to sift through b.s. when words and actions aren’t congruent. I always ask H to be honest with me, even if the truth stings for a moment or hour, but at least I can deal with that within me. if it’s b.s., then i act in response to a lie. of course, my goal is to be independent of all that, it’s just taking a bit to work out my own schnae.
Looking past all that, i immediately knew it was my vibe; I was dependent on them to geographically get me to where I had to go. I’d already closed the door on my morning inspiration. I can no longer go with another’s flow, even if it’s what I was also intending – I must claim it for my own & step forward.
the entire morning was filled with observing subtle reactions, disregarding another’s energy knowing it wanted something from me. I was eating a piece of fruit that’s now in season, and someone asked me about it, but I didn’t offer any. I distract enough so that I won’t be asked to share & then wonder how I would feel if I let that game go and really, why am I playing it in the first place? I observe myself smoothing over where i am internally pacifying, ½ smiling at other’s remarks to me, but not being present to my action until a moment later.
I started looking at when my own actions and/or speech are inauthentic, what is transcribed in the world? others react to my falseness (even if they think it’s real) and that is reflected as what I carry myself to be in the moment. then I continue to create my image as that and begin to not only relate to it as my truth but defend it when challenged! wow, that’s super f-ed up!
all I’m supposed to be is me. that is all I can be. it reminds me of some insights I had in October while doing discipline 2 “I always felt I was missing out on my life, because I was rarely there. I was never good enough to be me & would fantasize about being someone else”, “existence didn’t give me this life for me to give it away or so that someone else would live it for me”. Re-patterning is a waste of time, a full extraction is necessary, cold turkey. what a great time to be alone, checking in to see where i’m at inside. some of the girls talk so much & I wonder why they’re even speaking. when I feel judgment coming on, I know it’s time to look inward.
one of the rooms downstairs flooded this afternoon. the tap was seriously flowing, and when Eric couldn’t figure out where the outside water pipe was located minutes later, I ran upstairs to turn off one of the shower water sources. another lesson: as soon as I heard Isabelle cry “my room is leaking” I denied listening to the answer that was immediately spoken inside. the frequency of my lack of action in these moments is dwindling, but still there nonetheless, which could one day be life-threatening.
5 more women arrived today: Isabelle, Liz, Zuki, Melina and Lori. I wasn’t in a chatty mood today. Liz moved into the attic with Rose & i. I hung out alone for a few hrs, then the music began. the san pedro had been peeled by the women of the house, Whapio, Christina, Arun (leather worker, handy at everything), Abel (tattoo artist, amazing didgeridoo player, shaman as well) his wife, children, other friends. it’s a celebration which occurs every full moon, but since our class is busy on Saturday night, the ceremony has been moved to Friday night.
the very outside of the cactus is peeled (the waxy part) then the top green layer of skin is boiled for 8 hours along with some coca leaf. the inner meat isn’t used as it’s quite upsetting to the stomach. sage & other sacred herbs were being burned & Abel did some other work over the stove as things began. Whapio & Liz lead us in song, just like class in Bellingham, then the jimbaes & didgeridoo came out. it’s amazing what can be created by only 2 drums and 1 didgeridoo!!! i video recorded one song; it’s pitch black, you can only see the fire burning in our front yard garden, but the music was great. it’s 1am and the fire is still going and the music is still playing loudly. most are sleeping through it, some are wearing ear plugs, I can hear Ukiah crying every now & again. it’s been 2 days of creation and ceremony to prepare for tomorrow. we even had a large rat run in through the front door, that was boxed up & put outside our main wall… all one could hear from the outside was women screaming, lol.
i didn’t turn the lights off until 2:30am this morning – it’s so wonderful to be writing again, it feeds my soul! I slept well in my new abode, and dosed through the morning continuously peering over to see if Rose was still sleeping, using her as my alarm clock, since she never slept late. When I got up, i was ready to engage the day, feeling fresh! there was a new sensation brewing, like a door was now permanently ajar, and I knew what I had to do for me.
I got ready, then buzzed downstairs to see who was heading out and where they were going. the Artisan’s market & San Pedro market were on my list, which was where Scout & Aerina were heading, so Rose and I joined to share a taxi. I felt weird vibes, as if S & A wanted to hang alone, but when I checked in they said it was “all good”. how do I interact with another’s initial impression & their subconscious behaviours? what a pain to sift through b.s. when words and actions aren’t congruent. I always ask H to be honest with me, even if the truth stings for a moment or hour, but at least I can deal with that within me. if it’s b.s., then i act in response to a lie. of course, my goal is to be independent of all that, it’s just taking a bit to work out my own schnae.
Looking past all that, i immediately knew it was my vibe; I was dependent on them to geographically get me to where I had to go. I’d already closed the door on my morning inspiration. I can no longer go with another’s flow, even if it’s what I was also intending – I must claim it for my own & step forward.
the entire morning was filled with observing subtle reactions, disregarding another’s energy knowing it wanted something from me. I was eating a piece of fruit that’s now in season, and someone asked me about it, but I didn’t offer any. I distract enough so that I won’t be asked to share & then wonder how I would feel if I let that game go and really, why am I playing it in the first place? I observe myself smoothing over where i am internally pacifying, ½ smiling at other’s remarks to me, but not being present to my action until a moment later.
I started looking at when my own actions and/or speech are inauthentic, what is transcribed in the world? others react to my falseness (even if they think it’s real) and that is reflected as what I carry myself to be in the moment. then I continue to create my image as that and begin to not only relate to it as my truth but defend it when challenged! wow, that’s super f-ed up!
all I’m supposed to be is me. that is all I can be. it reminds me of some insights I had in October while doing discipline 2 “I always felt I was missing out on my life, because I was rarely there. I was never good enough to be me & would fantasize about being someone else”, “existence didn’t give me this life for me to give it away or so that someone else would live it for me”. Re-patterning is a waste of time, a full extraction is necessary, cold turkey. what a great time to be alone, checking in to see where i’m at inside. some of the girls talk so much & I wonder why they’re even speaking. when I feel judgment coming on, I know it’s time to look inward.
one of the rooms downstairs flooded this afternoon. the tap was seriously flowing, and when Eric couldn’t figure out where the outside water pipe was located minutes later, I ran upstairs to turn off one of the shower water sources. another lesson: as soon as I heard Isabelle cry “my room is leaking” I denied listening to the answer that was immediately spoken inside. the frequency of my lack of action in these moments is dwindling, but still there nonetheless, which could one day be life-threatening.
5 more women arrived today: Isabelle, Liz, Zuki, Melina and Lori. I wasn’t in a chatty mood today. Liz moved into the attic with Rose & i. I hung out alone for a few hrs, then the music began. the san pedro had been peeled by the women of the house, Whapio, Christina, Arun (leather worker, handy at everything), Abel (tattoo artist, amazing didgeridoo player, shaman as well) his wife, children, other friends. it’s a celebration which occurs every full moon, but since our class is busy on Saturday night, the ceremony has been moved to Friday night.
the very outside of the cactus is peeled (the waxy part) then the top green layer of skin is boiled for 8 hours along with some coca leaf. the inner meat isn’t used as it’s quite upsetting to the stomach. sage & other sacred herbs were being burned & Abel did some other work over the stove as things began. Whapio & Liz lead us in song, just like class in Bellingham, then the jimbaes & didgeridoo came out. it’s amazing what can be created by only 2 drums and 1 didgeridoo!!! i video recorded one song; it’s pitch black, you can only see the fire burning in our front yard garden, but the music was great. it’s 1am and the fire is still going and the music is still playing loudly. most are sleeping through it, some are wearing ear plugs, I can hear Ukiah crying every now & again. it’s been 2 days of creation and ceremony to prepare for tomorrow. we even had a large rat run in through the front door, that was boxed up & put outside our main wall… all one could hear from the outside was women screaming, lol.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
my 30th birthday
Jan 7
-this morning the first bird to rise woke me… it was around 4:30am. the world is the same everywhere: children cry over what they don’t get, dogs play together, and birds awaken in the same fashion. only one at first, so quietly that you must strain to hear if what was chirped was in fact real. then another wakes up, more chime in, the pitch is louder and they continue one upping another, until the entire bird village has been awoken! then just when you think you could pass out since their drone is now putting you to sleep, the rooster next door decides to add to the orchestra. this goes on for about an hour, until they’ve summoned so hard, the sun chooses to rise. and this goes on every morning… unfortunately I left my handy eye cover on the plane when I landed in El Salvador.
-I laid in bed trying to rest, only to become increasingly restless! my energy was back & I wanted a full-on day. 30 min later I ceased my inner resistance, went down to the kitchen & satisfied my hunger with some fruit. if only I knew how to light the element I’d brew some black tea. the house was still asleep, it was only after 6am. I pulled my camera out & began shooting the soft light coming through my favorite window in the home – stained glass, blue & yellow with an accenting green glass bottle below. a few more photos, then I returned back upstairs. I laid down, it was too early to shower, and eventually dosed off, in between Ukiah’s chattering & flute playing.
-a couple hours later, I sprang up, feeling as though I’d slept in. it was only 9:45am & everyone was awake, ready to head to the market. well, what’s one more day without showering? I’d not showered since arriving, which wasn’t a big deal considering I’d only been sleeping the past 2 days. thankfully I stopped using shampoo/conditioner in October, it’s allowed my hair to withstand days without doing anything to it, whereas before I had to wash it almost daily. and who knew Cusco didn’t have baking soda? one more thing to let go of J
-we all left for San Blas, a hip portion of downtown Cusco. we grabbed some salad & fresh mango lassies from a quaint café, spoke with the native artisan women who create with colourful fabric all day long, took photos with the young girls, their alpaca and baby sheep. after lunch Aerina wanted to climb this intense case of stairs, similar to the Grouse Grind’s last quarter only all steps, multiplied by 2 in distance & don’t forget the 11,000 feet elevation to begin with. we took a few short breaks, it’s amazing how winded I get from barely climbing anything! it was worth it though, to see the adobe tops of the city.
-the clouds began shifting to dark greys, loud thunder began to growl and we headed down the hill in the opposite direction toward the market. on the way Brook stopped for choco; tantalizing corn cooked on the streets by families. the rest of us were too full, but the bite I had was enough to entice me to return. I don’t know about corn, but Cusco has over 400 varieties of potatoes!! who vito’ed food diversity anyway? so much Incan brick & stone work was buried when the Spanish took over, but since they built overtop of everything, I was still able to see glimpses of what lies beneath. I didn’t take any photos of what they’d built-I couldn’t betray truth for lies & brainwashing. you could tell what was Incan, as they didn’t use any mortar to bind the stones together – they simply fit together like a puzzle.
the rain was spitting by now, warning us of what was to come. keep in mind, the day had been blue skies with white fluffy clouds, hot & many were sunburnt by the end. Brook sheltered me while I took shots of the aqueduct & stony stairway. everyone was walking on the sides of the streets, taking shelter under the small awnings that lead us into town. poncho & umbrella vendors came out from the alleys to sell what they carried. it wasn’t much for this Vancouverite, but it did remind me of how much i had to pee! we walked a block to another café, where Aerina knew we could go without paying. when we were ready to leave, the rain was coming down soooo hard, there was a river flowing downstream in front of our eyes. I took a quick video clip in all the excitement. several minutes later it began to ease up, so we ventured around taxis & traversed the rivers that weren’t there 15 minutes ago. I was squealing the entire time, it was too much fun! J
the highlight of my day was seeing a Peruvian woman bending over her son, maybe he was 3yrs old, doing something. For some reason we all looked back; she’d been undoing his pants & was now peeing into the flowing water. clearly his bladder also called when the rain let down. it was the sweetest thing, I wish I could’ve taken a photo, but it seemed too innocent to keep. dogs walked down the road together, another couple played in the grass. I surprisingly don’t feel bad for them, they seem to have their way of life sorted out; they run around wild, don’t bother anyone and find food where they can. we chowed on some beans & rice for $1 sole at the market then took a taxi home.
I went next door to the internet shop – I’ve never used such loose keys on a board before! the numeral keys have triple function for their accents and not all keys are where I expect them to be. Whapio bought me a reading light as a b-day gift, lol, and I finally moved my luggage to the attic since Aaron (pronounced Arun) had fixed the fumes issue and my energy was regained. It was great to set up the space Rose & I are sharing. it’s a long room, with 2 skylights and a ladder as the only access point. We’d heard “creatures” on the roof the other night, and chalked it up to rats on the roof. Well tonight, not only were we hearing them scurrying about, but they were in the walls, and more specifically, in the small crawl space close to my bed. I heard them running & then making mousey noises on the other side of the door. this small door is shut fairly tight, but just incase, I put a suitcase up against it for extra protection ;)
Julia, Natalie (friends of Claire) and Makenna arrived today. it’s been awesome having people trickle in and having been there from the beginning, so I could get to know everyone a bit first. Aerina & Scout cooked a hearty meal, (quinoa with salt, pepper, chopped avocado, a lot of fresh lime juice & tons of fresh cilantro – so yummy!) They sang happy b-day in Spanish & stuck a beeswax candle in my fried potato paddy. It was very sweet. I kept coming in and out of remembering it was my birthday, though the house kindly kept reminding me with love.
I finally head to the shower, by now the thunder had started up again & the blasts of lightning were strong. the hot water is only heated by a small coil that the water passes through before landing on the scalp. I played with the water pressure on the tap & from the source and struck heat!! what a luxury hot water is. I still feel a tingling in my hand when I turn it on, which apparently is normal, yet creepy. the dishes are washed with cold water too. it’s a different way of life, but it’s entirely manageable and the people of the land aren’t living in disease due to lack of cleanliness. (all the plates and glasses are reusable at the market as well.)
the night ended in a discussion on San Pedro, which is a cactus of this land. it’s sold in super markets, commonly used to enter an altered state, and very different from Ayahuasca. it’s not purgative like Ayahuasca is, it’s gentle, controlled by the dose one drinks, heart opening and very connected to nature. the ceremony for those who choose to participate, will take place at Abel’s (tattoo artist) brother’s home, close to the Sacred Valley, near Machu Pichu. I’d been contemplating this for months; I knew the opportunity to ingest plant medicine would arise on this trip.
everyone else’s opinion I was concerned about came rushing in my mind. again, I’m 30 and still being affected by my external surroundings? everything is coming down to honesty from within me. oh, did I leave that part out? while attempting to sleep this morning, I listened to another one of Master’s talks, which had me looking at where I’m internally at. lack of honesty in a very subtle manner has been showing it’s schizophrenic faces. what am I made of without the external telling me one way or another? once I got back to me, I saw if it was only me in the world, I would participate. it ties to my midwifery, standing at the gates of life, being in an altered state, being able to take action, instead of reacting in fear or resistance when women are traveling far into their cosmos, and i continuessly try to bring them back to this reality.
-this morning the first bird to rise woke me… it was around 4:30am. the world is the same everywhere: children cry over what they don’t get, dogs play together, and birds awaken in the same fashion. only one at first, so quietly that you must strain to hear if what was chirped was in fact real. then another wakes up, more chime in, the pitch is louder and they continue one upping another, until the entire bird village has been awoken! then just when you think you could pass out since their drone is now putting you to sleep, the rooster next door decides to add to the orchestra. this goes on for about an hour, until they’ve summoned so hard, the sun chooses to rise. and this goes on every morning… unfortunately I left my handy eye cover on the plane when I landed in El Salvador.
-I laid in bed trying to rest, only to become increasingly restless! my energy was back & I wanted a full-on day. 30 min later I ceased my inner resistance, went down to the kitchen & satisfied my hunger with some fruit. if only I knew how to light the element I’d brew some black tea. the house was still asleep, it was only after 6am. I pulled my camera out & began shooting the soft light coming through my favorite window in the home – stained glass, blue & yellow with an accenting green glass bottle below. a few more photos, then I returned back upstairs. I laid down, it was too early to shower, and eventually dosed off, in between Ukiah’s chattering & flute playing.
-a couple hours later, I sprang up, feeling as though I’d slept in. it was only 9:45am & everyone was awake, ready to head to the market. well, what’s one more day without showering? I’d not showered since arriving, which wasn’t a big deal considering I’d only been sleeping the past 2 days. thankfully I stopped using shampoo/conditioner in October, it’s allowed my hair to withstand days without doing anything to it, whereas before I had to wash it almost daily. and who knew Cusco didn’t have baking soda? one more thing to let go of J
-we all left for San Blas, a hip portion of downtown Cusco. we grabbed some salad & fresh mango lassies from a quaint café, spoke with the native artisan women who create with colourful fabric all day long, took photos with the young girls, their alpaca and baby sheep. after lunch Aerina wanted to climb this intense case of stairs, similar to the Grouse Grind’s last quarter only all steps, multiplied by 2 in distance & don’t forget the 11,000 feet elevation to begin with. we took a few short breaks, it’s amazing how winded I get from barely climbing anything! it was worth it though, to see the adobe tops of the city.
-the clouds began shifting to dark greys, loud thunder began to growl and we headed down the hill in the opposite direction toward the market. on the way Brook stopped for choco; tantalizing corn cooked on the streets by families. the rest of us were too full, but the bite I had was enough to entice me to return. I don’t know about corn, but Cusco has over 400 varieties of potatoes!! who vito’ed food diversity anyway? so much Incan brick & stone work was buried when the Spanish took over, but since they built overtop of everything, I was still able to see glimpses of what lies beneath. I didn’t take any photos of what they’d built-I couldn’t betray truth for lies & brainwashing. you could tell what was Incan, as they didn’t use any mortar to bind the stones together – they simply fit together like a puzzle.
the rain was spitting by now, warning us of what was to come. keep in mind, the day had been blue skies with white fluffy clouds, hot & many were sunburnt by the end. Brook sheltered me while I took shots of the aqueduct & stony stairway. everyone was walking on the sides of the streets, taking shelter under the small awnings that lead us into town. poncho & umbrella vendors came out from the alleys to sell what they carried. it wasn’t much for this Vancouverite, but it did remind me of how much i had to pee! we walked a block to another café, where Aerina knew we could go without paying. when we were ready to leave, the rain was coming down soooo hard, there was a river flowing downstream in front of our eyes. I took a quick video clip in all the excitement. several minutes later it began to ease up, so we ventured around taxis & traversed the rivers that weren’t there 15 minutes ago. I was squealing the entire time, it was too much fun! J
the highlight of my day was seeing a Peruvian woman bending over her son, maybe he was 3yrs old, doing something. For some reason we all looked back; she’d been undoing his pants & was now peeing into the flowing water. clearly his bladder also called when the rain let down. it was the sweetest thing, I wish I could’ve taken a photo, but it seemed too innocent to keep. dogs walked down the road together, another couple played in the grass. I surprisingly don’t feel bad for them, they seem to have their way of life sorted out; they run around wild, don’t bother anyone and find food where they can. we chowed on some beans & rice for $1 sole at the market then took a taxi home.
I went next door to the internet shop – I’ve never used such loose keys on a board before! the numeral keys have triple function for their accents and not all keys are where I expect them to be. Whapio bought me a reading light as a b-day gift, lol, and I finally moved my luggage to the attic since Aaron (pronounced Arun) had fixed the fumes issue and my energy was regained. It was great to set up the space Rose & I are sharing. it’s a long room, with 2 skylights and a ladder as the only access point. We’d heard “creatures” on the roof the other night, and chalked it up to rats on the roof. Well tonight, not only were we hearing them scurrying about, but they were in the walls, and more specifically, in the small crawl space close to my bed. I heard them running & then making mousey noises on the other side of the door. this small door is shut fairly tight, but just incase, I put a suitcase up against it for extra protection ;)
Julia, Natalie (friends of Claire) and Makenna arrived today. it’s been awesome having people trickle in and having been there from the beginning, so I could get to know everyone a bit first. Aerina & Scout cooked a hearty meal, (quinoa with salt, pepper, chopped avocado, a lot of fresh lime juice & tons of fresh cilantro – so yummy!) They sang happy b-day in Spanish & stuck a beeswax candle in my fried potato paddy. It was very sweet. I kept coming in and out of remembering it was my birthday, though the house kindly kept reminding me with love.
I finally head to the shower, by now the thunder had started up again & the blasts of lightning were strong. the hot water is only heated by a small coil that the water passes through before landing on the scalp. I played with the water pressure on the tap & from the source and struck heat!! what a luxury hot water is. I still feel a tingling in my hand when I turn it on, which apparently is normal, yet creepy. the dishes are washed with cold water too. it’s a different way of life, but it’s entirely manageable and the people of the land aren’t living in disease due to lack of cleanliness. (all the plates and glasses are reusable at the market as well.)
the night ended in a discussion on San Pedro, which is a cactus of this land. it’s sold in super markets, commonly used to enter an altered state, and very different from Ayahuasca. it’s not purgative like Ayahuasca is, it’s gentle, controlled by the dose one drinks, heart opening and very connected to nature. the ceremony for those who choose to participate, will take place at Abel’s (tattoo artist) brother’s home, close to the Sacred Valley, near Machu Pichu. I’d been contemplating this for months; I knew the opportunity to ingest plant medicine would arise on this trip.
everyone else’s opinion I was concerned about came rushing in my mind. again, I’m 30 and still being affected by my external surroundings? everything is coming down to honesty from within me. oh, did I leave that part out? while attempting to sleep this morning, I listened to another one of Master’s talks, which had me looking at where I’m internally at. lack of honesty in a very subtle manner has been showing it’s schizophrenic faces. what am I made of without the external telling me one way or another? once I got back to me, I saw if it was only me in the world, I would participate. it ties to my midwifery, standing at the gates of life, being in an altered state, being able to take action, instead of reacting in fear or resistance when women are traveling far into their cosmos, and i continuessly try to bring them back to this reality.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
climbing 11,000 feet into the sky...
day 2 in peru...
Jan 4
-we lived at the Starbucks in Lima for several hours, gradually taking over the only soft, cushiony chairs in the airport, each rotating with a purchase. I found a wedding ring in the airport gift shop to wear while away on this journey. my beautiful diamond filled band is the only thing i’m attached to so I left it in Vancouver. I’m going to see Abel (the tattoo artist) while here & have him design H’s native spirit name, to have as a wedding band that won’t be visible unless my ring is off. but that finger felt so naked in the mean time. it’s some type of wood, similar to coconut shell & the grain naturally displays a heart in the middle-perfecto!!
-Rose found us right before we boarded from Lima to Cusco. she'd been in the airport for hours & was stoked, almost to tears, to see some familiar faces.
-leaving El Salvador left behind the humidity, heat & clear blue skies-solong...
Jan 5
-Lima was misty, so many variations of cloud coverage, so many layers. as we flew up over the amazing Andes around 6am, i wondered if people lived amongst them? some snow caped as we reached higher elevation, most of them hosted pools of clouds, the way the beaches become tidal pool keepers, caught in a spider web. the sun began to peek out from the clouds to greet the morning. always rising & setting somewhere. i've fantasized about being a sun chaser, flying a plane & capture 24 hrs of sun sets, across the earth.
-Cusco's clouds represent the waves of Jamaica that i relentlessly shot footage of.
-the airport was small, the bathrooms only had 2-3 stalls (stepping out of our YVR comforts) but at least there was toilet paper & i didn´t have to pay to do my business! our luggage was delivered from the truck onto a small conveyer belt in front of our eyes, while a small local band smilingly played some 7am tunes.
-Christina picked us up from the airport. she's from the states, but fell in love with land years ago and lives in Cusco & the Amazon most of the year. such warmth exuded from her smile, she spotted us gringos right away. a cheap cab ride to our home (4 soles = $1.86 CND, $1.33 US), we arrived... a tad out of the city, (hum, i wonder if it could be "google maped"?) a large wall with a main locked wooden door. across the street families wash cars that pass by, mostly taxis, until late at night. it's so casual to have a street-side car wash.
-we unloaded our gear, took a tour of the house, then took a taxi to the Plaza de Armes, where the markets are. so many stray dogs running around the streets, and here the cabs rule, not the pedestrians. all day, swerving in & out of lanes, honking their gentle horns, dodging people crossing the streets & dogs running about. such flow strangely eliminates accidents.
-we were all fairly hungry, most ate meat soups (full of intestine, no part is spared) while I located the fruit & smoothie aisle. Christina knew the family who ran this kiosk (so many kiosks are lined up side by side, each with chairs that colour coordinate to its shop owner). it was ran by a grandmother, mother & daughter (all kids are on summer holidays). the biggest papayas I’ve ever seen, resembling small pumpkins, lined the counter. fresh aloe, cucumber, fat carrots, passion fruit, etc. she blended it all up & filled my glass 3 times, all for $1.62 CND. insanely cheap & wonderfully nurturing to my body.
-we walked around a bit…the market is broken into sections, from ready to eat food (soup, beans, rice, fish-trout fishing is big here, pig heads, other meats) to fruit stands, vegetable, grains, herbal medicine, bread, cheese and cacti/hallucinogenics. we sampled & bought the most amazing & creamy fresh cheese. a giant circle of it which would easily be $40 CND was under 10 soles. Scout’s son Ukiah was crying at one point and an old woman approached him with a banana offering.
-the most liberating thing has been living without a fridge – they are not common in Cusco. most go to the market every day, it’s affordable and such a familial event. so we buy what we need but the eggs & cheese sit out over 1-2 nights, along with all our veg, with no problems, it just feels so natural! it´s unfortunate we don´t live this way back home...refrigerators are containing, suffocating & a large scale preservative.
-after, we walked to the artisan’s market to locate blankets as the house had a draft. I’ve been living in a sweater the past two days, legwarmers, alpaca/lamb’s wool slippers & a scarf. it’s definitely not hot here, there’s no humidity, but when the sun is out in the day a layer is discarded, yet it’s unpredictable. we got caught in the rain, which comes out of nowhere, pouring thick drops, then stops. the kiosks within this market, were mostly managed by children and teenagers. I picked up a beautifully woven deep red blanket, and a soft vibrant blue alpaca sweater.
-we traveled home, took a shower & laid down to rest. I’d not really slept properly in 2 days & thought showering would be a great transition into bed. imagine cold water with the edge taken off – that was my “hot” shower, lol. refreshing, but my vitals were already low, it didn’t assist much. the attic room I claimed along with Rose, was emitting floor wax fumes so we slept in another room. after a few hours I woke up, (apparently people had been shaking me awake to no avail, I was gone) with a slight headache encroaching. i ate some bread, cheese, drank coca tea, more water & had some exotic fruit/melon. I went back to sleep, probably around 7pm & slept straight through til 1:30am. I kept waiting for the city to slumber, but all I heard were the beeping horns of cabs driving throughout the night. Rose was also awake, we went downstairs to nibble on a couple passion fruit & more sips of coca tea. we went back upstairs, I went to the bathroom & immediately recognized the salivating coming on – I began throwing up. bye-bye exploding in my mouth passion fruit!
-as I laid in bed, I couldn’t stop asking what an aneurism felt like…this must be close. my entire head was pounding, despite feeling better after vomiting. my heart was racing fast & hard. this coca tea (where cocaine is derived from) wasn’t helping me. my body has become too sensitive to what it ingests, especially since I stopped drinking coffee months ago. but the way to deal w/ altitude sickness is through sipping coca tea, drinking coffee – basically taking lots of caffeine, and aspirin. I later found out altitude sickness is edema/swelling of the brain. because everything is dilated, a vaso-constrictor is necessary. the knowledge pieced together everything I’d been experiencing.
-this morning when I woke up things were no better. I’d slept til 8am & recalled my dream. I was asking Whapio & Christina for assistance with my flu like symptoms. they asked me where in Cusco did I not feel ill? whatever my answer was would represent where I needed to work with the energy to heal. the market´s fresh air & sleeping were my answers. I drank more water, but even that was nauseating. I crawled back into bed, then heard someone knocking at the outside door, then went down to let her in…it was Brook, someone I’d never met. we went inside, and I began throwing up again – what I don’t know, I was so dry inside, my stomach depleted every bit of intestine it could reach. brushing my teeth had become a regular interval. I munched on some dried apple & we spoke of getting some food at the Mega supermarket a couple blocks down. I felt weak but knew the air would be nurturing & I always felt great after purging, so I took advantage of the small opportunity. Brook suggested drinking some yoghurt to take in the cultures of the land. I munched on some almonds, a tomato & fresh green, black and brown olives, taking it easy. this has got to be the closest thing to Italy´s fresh veg i´ve ever had :)
I slept again all afternoon and when I awoke, I didn’t feel so crappy. Scout brought me emerg-C, (what was i thinking not packing any??), Whapio arrived & gave me a big hug, and thoughts of eating crossed my mind. I still walked slowly and held onto the walls, but a shift was occurring. we went to the market again, I picked up some aspirin & took a couple with a pasta dinner that Brook cooked up. Yes! I was eating, keeping it down & beginning to laugh again. (lack of appetite & laughter are my sure signs of something’s stirring within).
-all of it is my midwifery though… the lack of energy, nausea, vomiting, accepting intense levels of pain in parts of my body I’d not felt before, being with there’s nothing wrong & it’s not a negative experience…all ties into birth.
-the pace here is slow and it’s pulling me under it’s wing. so far I’ve nothing to do, except rest and walk into my 30th year, observing the blank walls to paint.
Jan 4
-we lived at the Starbucks in Lima for several hours, gradually taking over the only soft, cushiony chairs in the airport, each rotating with a purchase. I found a wedding ring in the airport gift shop to wear while away on this journey. my beautiful diamond filled band is the only thing i’m attached to so I left it in Vancouver. I’m going to see Abel (the tattoo artist) while here & have him design H’s native spirit name, to have as a wedding band that won’t be visible unless my ring is off. but that finger felt so naked in the mean time. it’s some type of wood, similar to coconut shell & the grain naturally displays a heart in the middle-perfecto!!
-Rose found us right before we boarded from Lima to Cusco. she'd been in the airport for hours & was stoked, almost to tears, to see some familiar faces.
-leaving El Salvador left behind the humidity, heat & clear blue skies-solong...
Jan 5
-Lima was misty, so many variations of cloud coverage, so many layers. as we flew up over the amazing Andes around 6am, i wondered if people lived amongst them? some snow caped as we reached higher elevation, most of them hosted pools of clouds, the way the beaches become tidal pool keepers, caught in a spider web. the sun began to peek out from the clouds to greet the morning. always rising & setting somewhere. i've fantasized about being a sun chaser, flying a plane & capture 24 hrs of sun sets, across the earth.
-Cusco's clouds represent the waves of Jamaica that i relentlessly shot footage of.
-the airport was small, the bathrooms only had 2-3 stalls (stepping out of our YVR comforts) but at least there was toilet paper & i didn´t have to pay to do my business! our luggage was delivered from the truck onto a small conveyer belt in front of our eyes, while a small local band smilingly played some 7am tunes.
-Christina picked us up from the airport. she's from the states, but fell in love with land years ago and lives in Cusco & the Amazon most of the year. such warmth exuded from her smile, she spotted us gringos right away. a cheap cab ride to our home (4 soles = $1.86 CND, $1.33 US), we arrived... a tad out of the city, (hum, i wonder if it could be "google maped"?) a large wall with a main locked wooden door. across the street families wash cars that pass by, mostly taxis, until late at night. it's so casual to have a street-side car wash.
-we unloaded our gear, took a tour of the house, then took a taxi to the Plaza de Armes, where the markets are. so many stray dogs running around the streets, and here the cabs rule, not the pedestrians. all day, swerving in & out of lanes, honking their gentle horns, dodging people crossing the streets & dogs running about. such flow strangely eliminates accidents.
-we were all fairly hungry, most ate meat soups (full of intestine, no part is spared) while I located the fruit & smoothie aisle. Christina knew the family who ran this kiosk (so many kiosks are lined up side by side, each with chairs that colour coordinate to its shop owner). it was ran by a grandmother, mother & daughter (all kids are on summer holidays). the biggest papayas I’ve ever seen, resembling small pumpkins, lined the counter. fresh aloe, cucumber, fat carrots, passion fruit, etc. she blended it all up & filled my glass 3 times, all for $1.62 CND. insanely cheap & wonderfully nurturing to my body.
-we walked around a bit…the market is broken into sections, from ready to eat food (soup, beans, rice, fish-trout fishing is big here, pig heads, other meats) to fruit stands, vegetable, grains, herbal medicine, bread, cheese and cacti/hallucinogenics. we sampled & bought the most amazing & creamy fresh cheese. a giant circle of it which would easily be $40 CND was under 10 soles. Scout’s son Ukiah was crying at one point and an old woman approached him with a banana offering.
-the most liberating thing has been living without a fridge – they are not common in Cusco. most go to the market every day, it’s affordable and such a familial event. so we buy what we need but the eggs & cheese sit out over 1-2 nights, along with all our veg, with no problems, it just feels so natural! it´s unfortunate we don´t live this way back home...refrigerators are containing, suffocating & a large scale preservative.
-after, we walked to the artisan’s market to locate blankets as the house had a draft. I’ve been living in a sweater the past two days, legwarmers, alpaca/lamb’s wool slippers & a scarf. it’s definitely not hot here, there’s no humidity, but when the sun is out in the day a layer is discarded, yet it’s unpredictable. we got caught in the rain, which comes out of nowhere, pouring thick drops, then stops. the kiosks within this market, were mostly managed by children and teenagers. I picked up a beautifully woven deep red blanket, and a soft vibrant blue alpaca sweater.
-we traveled home, took a shower & laid down to rest. I’d not really slept properly in 2 days & thought showering would be a great transition into bed. imagine cold water with the edge taken off – that was my “hot” shower, lol. refreshing, but my vitals were already low, it didn’t assist much. the attic room I claimed along with Rose, was emitting floor wax fumes so we slept in another room. after a few hours I woke up, (apparently people had been shaking me awake to no avail, I was gone) with a slight headache encroaching. i ate some bread, cheese, drank coca tea, more water & had some exotic fruit/melon. I went back to sleep, probably around 7pm & slept straight through til 1:30am. I kept waiting for the city to slumber, but all I heard were the beeping horns of cabs driving throughout the night. Rose was also awake, we went downstairs to nibble on a couple passion fruit & more sips of coca tea. we went back upstairs, I went to the bathroom & immediately recognized the salivating coming on – I began throwing up. bye-bye exploding in my mouth passion fruit!
-as I laid in bed, I couldn’t stop asking what an aneurism felt like…this must be close. my entire head was pounding, despite feeling better after vomiting. my heart was racing fast & hard. this coca tea (where cocaine is derived from) wasn’t helping me. my body has become too sensitive to what it ingests, especially since I stopped drinking coffee months ago. but the way to deal w/ altitude sickness is through sipping coca tea, drinking coffee – basically taking lots of caffeine, and aspirin. I later found out altitude sickness is edema/swelling of the brain. because everything is dilated, a vaso-constrictor is necessary. the knowledge pieced together everything I’d been experiencing.
-this morning when I woke up things were no better. I’d slept til 8am & recalled my dream. I was asking Whapio & Christina for assistance with my flu like symptoms. they asked me where in Cusco did I not feel ill? whatever my answer was would represent where I needed to work with the energy to heal. the market´s fresh air & sleeping were my answers. I drank more water, but even that was nauseating. I crawled back into bed, then heard someone knocking at the outside door, then went down to let her in…it was Brook, someone I’d never met. we went inside, and I began throwing up again – what I don’t know, I was so dry inside, my stomach depleted every bit of intestine it could reach. brushing my teeth had become a regular interval. I munched on some dried apple & we spoke of getting some food at the Mega supermarket a couple blocks down. I felt weak but knew the air would be nurturing & I always felt great after purging, so I took advantage of the small opportunity. Brook suggested drinking some yoghurt to take in the cultures of the land. I munched on some almonds, a tomato & fresh green, black and brown olives, taking it easy. this has got to be the closest thing to Italy´s fresh veg i´ve ever had :)
I slept again all afternoon and when I awoke, I didn’t feel so crappy. Scout brought me emerg-C, (what was i thinking not packing any??), Whapio arrived & gave me a big hug, and thoughts of eating crossed my mind. I still walked slowly and held onto the walls, but a shift was occurring. we went to the market again, I picked up some aspirin & took a couple with a pasta dinner that Brook cooked up. Yes! I was eating, keeping it down & beginning to laugh again. (lack of appetite & laughter are my sure signs of something’s stirring within).
-all of it is my midwifery though… the lack of energy, nausea, vomiting, accepting intense levels of pain in parts of my body I’d not felt before, being with there’s nothing wrong & it’s not a negative experience…all ties into birth.
-the pace here is slow and it’s pulling me under it’s wing. so far I’ve nothing to do, except rest and walk into my 30th year, observing the blank walls to paint.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
embarking...
the journey began years ago, i've been "getting ready" internally to leave, to be the one to travel, and now all that preparing coming to fruition!
jan 3: H dropped me chez YVR - it felt so normal, as though i was only leaving for the weekend.. all my trips to Bellingham & the most recent one to LA has normalized traveling :)
i boarded a small, loud aircraft (50 seats) & proceeded to pass out, despite being directly beside the propeller & the turbulent snow clouds we traversed. now as i wait to board to San Fran, a man strums his guitar, quietly, beautifully, and i ask myself if he can follow me to Peru, just to have that movie feeling follow me. i suppose there is always music playing & drop the illusive fantasies. be in my reality.
i'm aware of the simplicities.. all i want in life is to practice midwifery, experience motherhood, unleash new capacities of loving in my world. live a beautiful life with H.
and with traveling, well i don't need drama to have an amazing trip. i can happily live the simplicity of every moment.
2pm: -fell asleep w/ the sun on my face
-i'm heading towards the light, the sun. the light reflects off the clouds - "light bulb" moment: the clouds don't change colour, it's only the light reflecting. i knew this but somehow, while ascending through them, it became clear.
-the sun is continually setting & the traces it leaves behind are beautiful every day. the sun doesn't need me to acknowledge it's beauty for it to "be". the sun doesn't hold its breath waiting for me to acknowledge its fulfillment. it's just being a sun.
-and i thought of how ridiculous it is that i've ever grieved over the weather. the weather is just being. as a dog barks, a cat meows, and a child is rambunctious. there is no right in telling that child to be an adult when it is a child. why would a dog not bark when that is its nature?
-4:30 pm-i reviewed my flight information... a 6hr dinner break, depart San Fran after midnight, then fairly direct until Lima. Lima is where my 15hrs layover unfolds, but Scout will be there. our flight is so on time, we'll be arriving early - my 1st thought was "i hope we're late so i am under someone else's responsibility longer" ?? thank u unconscious thought for showing your face. have i become that lazy since being with H? i'm turning 30 & i'm still avoiding being responsible for me?
-8:11pm: sitting in SFO airport, a recording continues to come on, in regular fashion, to remind me not to get too comfortable or relaxed within this location. "this is a security advisory...we're currently on a code "orange"... don't leave your bags unattended...call 911 if you see anything suspicious". reminds me of this movie i watched with H with a man & a woman, brought together by a computer system that governs all - it was like a remake of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Jan 4-time?? computer says 7:42am, but i boarded at 9am... time discrepancy.
-watched a bit of "The Forbidden Kingdom" Jet Li & Jackie Chan (dubbed in Spanish) - i laughed out loud when drunken style emerged. slept throughout the night the entire way to El Salvador. best purchase of my life - an eye mask! the cabin lights were left on most of the way & when i awoke, it was so dark under the covers, i believed it was still night time! bright hot sun awaited my peering.
-i found Aerina last night just as we were boarding (her ticket was a scam & she had to buy a new ticket!! ABS is a fraudulent internet company!) and when i got off the plane, i immediately found Scout, her husband Eric & their 1.5yr old, Ukiah. great to see some faces who speak english: "spanish language, i command you to make your integration in my cellular body visible now!" but i'm aware of my "A", the "B" is their influence, the space b/w is this beautiful heat! oh summer, how i've missed you! i can't believe i'll be living in this weather for 6 wks!! but seriously, i see already where i'm impermeable to other's influence & where there is work to be done still.
Jan 4: 3pm on computer. (must be behind) time change?? i think we're ahead by 3 hrs.. we're all sitting in Starbucks in Lima, Peru. we board at?? 4am?
jan 3: H dropped me chez YVR - it felt so normal, as though i was only leaving for the weekend.. all my trips to Bellingham & the most recent one to LA has normalized traveling :)
i boarded a small, loud aircraft (50 seats) & proceeded to pass out, despite being directly beside the propeller & the turbulent snow clouds we traversed. now as i wait to board to San Fran, a man strums his guitar, quietly, beautifully, and i ask myself if he can follow me to Peru, just to have that movie feeling follow me. i suppose there is always music playing & drop the illusive fantasies. be in my reality.
i'm aware of the simplicities.. all i want in life is to practice midwifery, experience motherhood, unleash new capacities of loving in my world. live a beautiful life with H.
and with traveling, well i don't need drama to have an amazing trip. i can happily live the simplicity of every moment.
2pm: -fell asleep w/ the sun on my face
-i'm heading towards the light, the sun. the light reflects off the clouds - "light bulb" moment: the clouds don't change colour, it's only the light reflecting. i knew this but somehow, while ascending through them, it became clear.
-the sun is continually setting & the traces it leaves behind are beautiful every day. the sun doesn't need me to acknowledge it's beauty for it to "be". the sun doesn't hold its breath waiting for me to acknowledge its fulfillment. it's just being a sun.
-and i thought of how ridiculous it is that i've ever grieved over the weather. the weather is just being. as a dog barks, a cat meows, and a child is rambunctious. there is no right in telling that child to be an adult when it is a child. why would a dog not bark when that is its nature?
-4:30 pm-i reviewed my flight information... a 6hr dinner break, depart San Fran after midnight, then fairly direct until Lima. Lima is where my 15hrs layover unfolds, but Scout will be there. our flight is so on time, we'll be arriving early - my 1st thought was "i hope we're late so i am under someone else's responsibility longer" ?? thank u unconscious thought for showing your face. have i become that lazy since being with H? i'm turning 30 & i'm still avoiding being responsible for me?
-8:11pm: sitting in SFO airport, a recording continues to come on, in regular fashion, to remind me not to get too comfortable or relaxed within this location. "this is a security advisory...we're currently on a code "orange"... don't leave your bags unattended...call 911 if you see anything suspicious". reminds me of this movie i watched with H with a man & a woman, brought together by a computer system that governs all - it was like a remake of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Jan 4-time?? computer says 7:42am, but i boarded at 9am... time discrepancy.
-watched a bit of "The Forbidden Kingdom" Jet Li & Jackie Chan (dubbed in Spanish) - i laughed out loud when drunken style emerged. slept throughout the night the entire way to El Salvador. best purchase of my life - an eye mask! the cabin lights were left on most of the way & when i awoke, it was so dark under the covers, i believed it was still night time! bright hot sun awaited my peering.
-i found Aerina last night just as we were boarding (her ticket was a scam & she had to buy a new ticket!! ABS is a fraudulent internet company!) and when i got off the plane, i immediately found Scout, her husband Eric & their 1.5yr old, Ukiah. great to see some faces who speak english: "spanish language, i command you to make your integration in my cellular body visible now!" but i'm aware of my "A", the "B" is their influence, the space b/w is this beautiful heat! oh summer, how i've missed you! i can't believe i'll be living in this weather for 6 wks!! but seriously, i see already where i'm impermeable to other's influence & where there is work to be done still.
Jan 4: 3pm on computer. (must be behind) time change?? i think we're ahead by 3 hrs.. we're all sitting in Starbucks in Lima, Peru. we board at?? 4am?
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