a conscious journey...

Jan 9

I slept so well, around 4am I inserted my ear plugs so I’d not be woken up by the morning noise. the san pedro medicine was watched in shifts throughout the early morning, then strained. Jaydee, Emily (who knows Jennie) and her husband Matt arrived early this morning. the house is now complete, and full!

Liz, Rose, Aerina & I headed to San Blas to check out a few things. we stopped in to the coffee shop, had some fresh mango lassie and talked with a woman we’d purchased from 2 days ago. her name is Helga; she speaks a little English, a lot of Spanish, and mostly Quechua. she travels by bus 30km from outside of Cusco, to sell her goods in the expensive part of town. I bought a red woven belt from her the other day & today I watched how she makes them. I asked if I could take her photo, then gave her some change as an appreciation, and my camera died (!!!), so I borrowed Liz’s. most of the women I’ve met or seen have so much joy in their face! I gave her a kiss on the cheek, a hug & said so long for now.

we headed down the hill to the Coca Shop, run by a Peruvian man, Christo, who also spoke French and English. he’d been running the shop for 10 years, and won the Italian “slow food” award in 2002. think about what fast food represents – it’s the complete opposite! everything is hand made, everything!! and he only accepts soles, to honor his home. I whacked my head on the door hanging when I walked in, and immediately he started feeding me chocolate, lol. his shop carries coca chocolates, coca ice cream, coca brownies, cookies, etc.

Christo started explaining the molecular structure of everything found in nature compared to what we create in allopathic medicine and it was fascinating!! (he’s emailing me the excel spreadsheet-I thought more people should see this!) he said cocaine is to coca, as mescaline is to san pedro, as nicotine is to tobacco and caffeine is to coffee – it’s all nature made. he explained that coca turned into crack then white cocaine is all chemical processing (which I kinda knew, but not really – I mean how often do we speak openly about such things?). we all hung out for a bit chatting about everything. there was a woman in Italy doing research on the holistic benefits of coca and was later banned by the USDA and that it’s all regulated by the United Nations (of course it is, what a b.s. cover!) Utah Phillips (singer) said “people will always tell you what good you can do with dirty money”. the main benefits high calcium content, therefore osteoporosis is non existent in these women, and high vitamin E, so a lot of creams are made with it as well. it was another piece of preparing to tonight, and I’m sooooo excited!!

Whapio had a vision when she awoke from her nap that we were meant to stay at our house, to initiate the home and she felt the travel would be rough on those who’d only recently arrived. not everyone was planning on coming either so this way we were able to all be together. Having calc carb (homeo) tendencies, I was happy to stay home, lol. the only downfall was that Aaron, John and Abel weren’t necessarily coming and I really needed to dance to some good music.

we began the ceremony at 9pm and one cup was the usual dose, though some people started with ½ and had more later. Whapio asked the men to drink first (Eric, Matt & Cesar, who is our cook’s “Abbi’s”, boyfriend), then the two January 7th women simultaneously approached the table. we all shared from a few mugs (usually it’s one but their were so many of us) and began singing songs. I sat quietly and grounded inside with my mug before welcoming the plant into my mouth and body. San Pedro didn’t taste bad, it’s just bitter and our taste buds are no longer adapted to such flavors. drinking became a bit more difficult as I got to the end of the cup & couldn’t finish.

I could first feel it my third eye, then gently flowing through my blood. a fire had been started outside but I stayed in near the space heater to keep warm. Lori and I chatted a little; she’s one of the women I’ve naturally felt drawn to. we spoke about our individual paths of midwifery and everything that has been leading up to this moment. Lori needed to purge and went to a washroom close by. Makenna entered the room shortly after asking if everyone was okay, then left. What defines being okay? I was reminded that the definition varies between people. if Makenna had heard Lori, she most likely would’ve been concerned, but Lori was actually welcoming the cleanse!

the thoughts began flowing in about control. I remembered mom telling me she was never drawn to drugs because she didn’t enjoy feeling out of control; where had I picked that up along the way and what was mine and what was hers? dad was quite comfortable, but his side of the family tends to excess, so where was the middle ground? I’m learning to navigate this realm, to master my body and drop the fear losing control. my desire to write and photograph was one method I used to keep me in my head, and if I went to sleep, I’d only be avoiding what san pedro had to offer me.

Sitting in the living room with my eyes closed, I stepped into my body and everything was soooo clear. everything was shifting too quickly to articulate; everything was in rainbow (the Incan flag), fine lines, so much geometry and the images were symmetrical. I’d like to paint what I saw. I wasn’t seeing anything when my eyes were open, it wasn’t like that, only when I was within. there was an a bird that looked prehistoric then changed into a dove, then a butterfly, that flew out of this circular kaleidoscope crystal. everything was pitch black, except for every animal I saw on this journey was in rainbow. the crystal’s insides fell into the end of the universe; control had dropped out of the centre, leaving only the frame, and I was pulled to leave my mind.

I thought “if I fully let go of my body/needs, I may leave my body behind, I may die”. But, I was being told to let go of my own subtle layers of control, to completely let go. I’m always trying to manage my mind, manage others, be so premeditated in my speech that very little is authentic. even if what I want to say is true, it’s very rarely emerging from my mouth for the 1st time. there’s a difference between thinking something through before speaking and being calculated in every action. I don’t think I’d completely lost my ability to be spontaneous, but this journey is to see my hidden layers.

I gave much thanks to Bez, as he was the one who properly introduced hallucinogenics into my world (I guess that’s why I’d waited to experiment until I was older). The environment is so key; create a clean sacred space, have proper nourishment, the right music, a supply of water, the right people, an intention, and a willingness/agreement with the plant. “thank you Bezzy, my shaman of darkness, I love you!” I wished he’d been on the journey as well, but I had to let that go eventually too.

I got really cold and went upstairs to grab more layers. it was raining on and off, but I wasn’t ready to go outside yet. i grabbed my journal, began drawing and enjoyed some time alone. when I went back downstairs, one group of people were talking a lot. of course i blurted out “you guys are talking a lot”, I typically speak the truth bluntly. because I’d just recognized my own mind, I wanted others to also be conscious of where they were acting from, which is another form of control if someone isn’t ready. taking san pedro was serious and sacred for me…clearly, I’m not in the same process as everyone else.

a lot was coming up around the masculine, perhaps before san pedro is a masculine plant, where as ayahuasca is a feminine plant. in that quietness within, I thought of H…there have been many times where he doesn’t need to explain something to me (even though I want him too), and he’s grounded inside of himself. I’ve experienced many men to be this way, but it became clear, no matter what, I know me and I don’t need to explain myself to anyone! In that state I saw how I really don’t know him at all and how in love I am with him. just because he is one way for a certain period of time does not mean that is who he is. I certainly feel a lot of shift within and would hate to remain the same forever.

Aaron arrived, then Abel, his wife Maria and their daughter and Abel’s cousin John. the rain had passed, I took a sheep’s skin onto the lawn and sat in front of the fire listening to the amazing music. whoever coined the term “come to your senses” must have been trying to pull someone into their head/mind. it couldn’t have been to assist them back to their true self. I became present to how amazing it is to be me and to know myself! and to be a woman! I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world :)

past life memories began to surface and it became clear to me why Abel would be the one to tattoo me, why I’ve waited so long; I’ve known him before. and the idea of ever trying to capture a tattoo as intricate and alive as what my mind can see is a pretty tough feat, so I dropped that too. “a tattoo is only as permanent as this body is” – Ani Difranco.

I was continuously visited by the snake, butterfly, different sorts of birds that shifted into bats, the turtle and the spider. Lori and I danced most of the night. Abel played the didgeridoo, Maria drummed, Aaron played a large wooden flute, John also drummed. everything became part of the music; Abel’s circular breathing noises, the moments where he was drumming and would make “chsss, chsss, tsss, tsss” noises and Lori who rhythmically would say “okay okay” with her eyes closed. this one song played for about an hour. wood constantly fed the fire and the rain began to come on strong. everything and everyone was soaking. you could see drops of water pouring off the didgeridoo when John was playing it.

I brought the lambskin inside along with my alpaca slippers, rolled up my white pant legs, took off my leg warmers, put my blue hood on, and stepped barefoot into the grass – it was time to dance! I embraced the rain and all the animals I felt within. I was clear that just being a woman, a woman in her power is sexual. I don’t need to do anything with it, but it was good to be aware of my natural “arking” with all that was living and breathing in my surroundings. the snake had me moving as though it was emerging and I’d often let out a loud shamanic breath. everything was so familiar. Aaron asked Christina “isn’t she the one who had bad altitude sickness the other day?” lol, always rising.

the rooster began to rise then eventually the 1st bird followed. it’s one bird that flies back and forth singing, trying to cover as much land as possible to awaken other birds – now I know how it’s done. the sky was getting light and I ran inside to cut up some fresh passion fruit and melon to share. all were grateful while we sat quietly allowing our tastebuds to explode and our bodies to hydrate. we were running low on wood and began burning random scraps in the yard.

it’s a frightening thing to think of another land as my home – what do I do with this information? it’s only been one week though, but I could see myself apprenticing here long term. I spoke and said “when I’m ready to die, this is the place in time I’m coming back to”.

Jan. 10

I went to sleep at 6:30am and rose at 5pm – I’d be sleep deprived without my ear plugs! we all sat in circle and did introductions. i had the best mango i´ve even had for dinner, along with a lot of fresh vegetables; long green beans, the largest bunch of cilantro, the spiciest basil and tasty tomatoes. tomorrow we go over our schedules and do some altering as there’ve been changes at the clinic I was going to be assisting at. i crawled into bed and watched Miyazaki´s ¨Ponyo¨.

Jan. 11

i picked up more sustanance from the San Pedro market; felt wonderful and conscious all day. we sorted our clinic and class schedules for the next month as well, since everything begins tomorrow!! i´ll still be assisting at la Posta Belen Pampa; the turnover is slower than the hospitals, but it feels right to be there. and i dropped one shift so i´ll only be doing 4 instead of 5. most people are doing 2-3. a bunch of us headed down to la placa de armes for dinner. the best part was a purple corn which is juiced, sweetened, then i added some lime to it.