women, womb & wonder

Jan. 15/09

the bonds of women have no doubt been evident before the beginning of human existence, in the wild… no doubt i´m experiencing only a sample possibility of our potential together and I am blessed to have experienced so much variety and only continue to spin deeper into such relationships.

it’s no longer about commonality, why not or just because; i may engage with many, will choose compassion to understand all, but i have no interest in pushing further than that unless a deep love is unfolding.

when distance encroaches with one face, I am offered more to choose from. how can I be so full of good fortune? better asked, how do we not all recognize the everyday gift in front of our eyes? maybe everyone does, perhaps I’m simultaneously going deeper into the connections and being awakened on the surface in more daily moments than ever before.

Hannah has been around so long in my heart. we met at Douglas College in 2004 (? or 2003??) in January – oh, this is our anniversary!!! along with my b-day which just past, and hers which is fast approaching. we’ve witnessed a lot of shifts in each other’s lives, and came together at a pinnacle time. since day one, Hannah has been teaching me to look past people’s skin and into their heart – if they’re good, then listen, and if they’re not, look to see the good in them, because it’s there! she’s heartfelt, worldly enough to not be walked over, strong, courageous, and open. always up for a challenge, ready to engage while reflecting within. Hannah reminds me of my own inner strength! she’s my Kenyan touchstone.

Tamar recently came into my world by my following of an inner voice, telling me to quit my job. if I’d been in fear, I may not have met her, despite our common circles, since I was losing touch with the other possible linking threads. Tamar is a powerhouse bursting with love, beauty, song, imagination, creativity and spark! she’s such a gift to be around and a beautiful expression of the feminine! my Israeli touchstone.

Lori has also blessed me with her kindred spirit. I’m fascinated with the ease we share while together; she’s so nurturing just by “being” – I wonder if she’s aware of that? we’ve known each other less than a week, but that doesn’t stop time travel! she inspires my maternal side to ripen, my inquisitiveness to grow and all possibility & choice to flower! there is so much room and maturity, seriousness and play, weaving and tribe. my Peruvian home, mi hermosa, it’s been too long.

my life has been filled with women, all teachers. my life is rich with goddesses, all so unique. and I wonder if the abundance will ever cease? when I say “enough” more flows in, with such ease, how can I resist? I expand in unison. will I be 94, blissed out by so much feminine depth?!

we are all mirrors, looking upon each other through a variety of lenses, the way existence lives through so many eyes.

Jan. 16/09

it’s 11:11pm, I’m sitting in bed – Rose is at a homebirth with Sunday (a midwife here) and Liz is on a 12hr shift at the hospital. our room would be quiet if it weren’t for the thin walls and skylights, which allow the all night long construction to play itself out, along with the occasional hollering and “romantic Peruvian movie” style music. no by-laws or regulations here, lol.

the week has been full-on and alive! the clinica I’m volunteering at has been under renovations and of course, like every renovation I’ve ever heard of, is running behind. I’ll find out tomorrow (Sat) what the verdict is. it’s worked out well though, I’ve been able to attend a bunch of classes I’d not planned on, mostly review from the past year, and it’s amazing to see what i’m comfortable with and what still needs understanding.

Aerina & I traveled to an oby’s clinic today (obstetrician), named Isabel. she’s extremely nurturing; it shows in her eyes though I don’t understand a lot of what she speaks. she had 2 oby students working along side, who allowed Aerina & I to alternate with the prenatal appointments. we did blood pressure (I bought a cuff this week), pulse, checked for edema (swelling) in the legs, measured baby’s fundal height (from the pubic bone to the fundus, which is the top of the uterus – a shelf-like feeling), palpation (feeling baby’s position) and heart tones with a doppler. I’d like to practice doing heart tones with a stethoscope, toilet paper roll or pinard horn (beautiful double-sided flat horn made of wood – anyone have one to donate to me?), then be counting the heart beat, instead of using an electric hand-held device that calculates it for you.

Isabel is friends with Sunday and delivered her own baby only about one week ago. it’s a ministry clinica, meaning covered by the government, as the hospitals are as well, unlike the private clinics where once you get in, pay a monthly fee then are covered for everything. this ministry clinica hires Isabel on a 3 month contract, though she can be fired at any time. they threatened this, which is why she went back to work after 3 days postpartum! it’s almost inhumane compared to our cushy 1 year maternity or split paternity leave.

here the husband and family members aren’t permitted to attend the birth! being the protector of their loved one, no doubt they would battle the doctors if they witnessed the disrespect that goes on; routine episiotomies (cutting the perineum often to the anus), not allowing them to walk around or use gravity to labour or birth, being able to feel pain during the episiotomy suturing and during c-section!!! women have been reported to wiggle their feet and toes yet the doctors respond “what did you expect, birth is supposed to hurt”. pressure, sure, but not pain.

Brook & Makenna watched a couple c-sections one shift, where the doctor not only pulled out the woman’s uterus & ovaries, but her intestines as well. they described that the doctor just shoved everything in when it all refused to stay put. one of the women was asked out during surgery, people power trip and seem to have a total disconnect from the birthing women and they speak casually about their social lives, while a woman is going through her right of passage. women are continuously bothered and asked redundant questions, constantly being called back from the cosmos; their comfort, thoughts and feelings are of no concern.

a husband told them “please don’t leave my wife” upon entering the OR. and today, Makenna was refused to attend a woman’s c-section after spending 18hrs with her, only because the hospital was out of clean green OR scrubs; the woman cried out for Makenna, while she was wheeled down the hall. the grandma was waiting in the waiting room and had entrusted a small charm bracelet to place on the baby after being born. the nurse wouldn’t do it; such a small act. they snuff our nurturing as strange, because they’ve not witnessed it before. the grandma & Makenna cried together after she explained what had occurred. doulas aren’t ¨permitted¨ yet either (despite the law that was passed in Feb/06), so these women labour alone and they are so grateful for having us there. when Sunday is asked to give talks, they’re referred to as “giving birth humanely” whereas the hospital births are called “institutional birth”.

even when someone biologically knows one thing is better, the action is still disregarded and patterns & protocol run deep. don’t get me wrong, North America has their own protocols, (we’re addicted to taking heart tones & call everything fetal distress!) but maybe more families know their “rights” and that they have choice to say no. tonight, Isabelle (woman in class) attended her first birth…and she got to catch the baby! when they asked her to perform an episiotomy (which is done on all ¨primips¨/1st time moms in Cusco), the baby’s head was crowning and she tried stalling then eventually said it isn’t done in the USA. the nurse became nervous & did it anyway. Isabelle wouldn’t have done it even if she knew how… a lot of this feels violating, like a crime against the wisdom of birth. a couple of the clinics think we’re in between 3rd – 5th year oby students (lol) since midwifery although is totally legal, isn´t as highly regarded by the hospitals as obstetrics.

I’ve been contemplating privilege this week and how I can use my own. I’ve fantasized for years over opening a birth center, but it seems like too much red tape in Vancouver. being in the circle of so many powerful women right now, I know it’s possible to practice in a group while maintaining, sustaining and enhancing the purity of the creation. Whapio (my teacher) is so effective at bringing different women holding similar creation together. why would I struggle to achieve something somewhere (Vanc) when it could be manifested in another country? I’ll never forget Sarah (midwife at The Midwifery Group) sharing her internship in Mexico with me. her ability to stop one routing episiotomy in a day seemed to out weigh the pampering that was going on back home. after her return while in a prenatal appointment, the woman’s main concern was which stroller to purchase, with a price level range going up to $1000.00. where can a real difference be made & appreciated, in the grand scheme of things? while I ranted yesterday afternoon to Whapio, in her grace she replied “Angela, it’s already done, we’re just taking the steps”.

I AM READY!!!! I am ready to step out of protocols, to nurture women the way I know is possible, and to bypass the institutions. what is created out of doing so much genetic testing or fetal monitoring? Christina has been working with an 80-year-old midwife from the jungle; this woman has NEVER taken heart tones in her life. when Christina enquired further the woman responded “don’t you think we’d know if there was a problem with the baby?” it was so humbling. and out of Whapio´s 25 years of practicing midwifery, she has only had one true case of fetal distress that transferred to the hospital. Zuki has had none. why the hell do we routinely take fetal heart tones while a woman is pushing??

after class yesterday I noticed “cold” sensations coming on and today it’s full-blown. I also began my moon today, no cramps, though lots of emotion. I’ve been so strong the past 2 weeks, but tonight I felt so lonely. Brook was doing dishes in the kitchen as I helped myself to some water. I started sobbing; she gave me a big hug and held me tightly while I let it all out. I’d been tearing up all day and needed the release.

Jan. 17th/09

my love is enough… i am understanding the depth of this personal statement. I’m walking where I’ve never been before, I’m taking right action, being invisible, being a woman, containing my energy, being who I need to be for me without competition with any other woman. i don’t need the lesson of trust, honesty or being faithful; I’m no longer a female in her 20’s – I’ve witnessed the 30 years wise woman within!! i know my choice and with whom my heart is bestowed. the burden of unharnessed energy is no longer mine. I know where my sexual energy belongs and flaunting it about is not the grace of a woman’s way. she knows it exists, she feels it in every moment, needs no recognition from the exterior to qualify her quality; she can shine comfortably, invisibly, as the universe flows through her being.