unravelling

Jan 8

i didn’t turn the lights off until 2:30am this morning – it’s so wonderful to be writing again, it feeds my soul! I slept well in my new abode, and dosed through the morning continuously peering over to see if Rose was still sleeping, using her as my alarm clock, since she never slept late. When I got up, i was ready to engage the day, feeling fresh! there was a new sensation brewing, like a door was now permanently ajar, and I knew what I had to do for me.

I got ready, then buzzed downstairs to see who was heading out and where they were going. the Artisan’s market & San Pedro market were on my list, which was where Scout & Aerina were heading, so Rose and I joined to share a taxi. I felt weird vibes, as if S & A wanted to hang alone, but when I checked in they said it was “all good”. how do I interact with another’s initial impression & their subconscious behaviours? what a pain to sift through b.s. when words and actions aren’t congruent. I always ask H to be honest with me, even if the truth stings for a moment or hour, but at least I can deal with that within me. if it’s b.s., then i act in response to a lie. of course, my goal is to be independent of all that, it’s just taking a bit to work out my own schnae.

Looking past all that, i immediately knew it was my vibe; I was dependent on them to geographically get me to where I had to go. I’d already closed the door on my morning inspiration. I can no longer go with another’s flow, even if it’s what I was also intending – I must claim it for my own & step forward.

the entire morning was filled with observing subtle reactions, disregarding another’s energy knowing it wanted something from me. I was eating a piece of fruit that’s now in season, and someone asked me about it, but I didn’t offer any. I distract enough so that I won’t be asked to share & then wonder how I would feel if I let that game go and really, why am I playing it in the first place? I observe myself smoothing over where i am internally pacifying, ½ smiling at other’s remarks to me, but not being present to my action until a moment later.

I started looking at when my own actions and/or speech are inauthentic, what is transcribed in the world? others react to my falseness (even if they think it’s real) and that is reflected as what I carry myself to be in the moment. then I continue to create my image as that and begin to not only relate to it as my truth but defend it when challenged! wow, that’s super f-ed up!

all I’m supposed to be is me. that is all I can be. it reminds me of some insights I had in October while doing discipline 2 “I always felt I was missing out on my life, because I was rarely there. I was never good enough to be me & would fantasize about being someone else”, “existence didn’t give me this life for me to give it away or so that someone else would live it for me”. Re-patterning is a waste of time, a full extraction is necessary, cold turkey. what a great time to be alone, checking in to see where i’m at inside. some of the girls talk so much & I wonder why they’re even speaking. when I feel judgment coming on, I know it’s time to look inward.

one of the rooms downstairs flooded this afternoon. the tap was seriously flowing, and when Eric couldn’t figure out where the outside water pipe was located minutes later, I ran upstairs to turn off one of the shower water sources. another lesson: as soon as I heard Isabelle cry “my room is leaking” I denied listening to the answer that was immediately spoken inside. the frequency of my lack of action in these moments is dwindling, but still there nonetheless, which could one day be life-threatening.

5 more women arrived today: Isabelle, Liz, Zuki, Melina and Lori. I wasn’t in a chatty mood today. Liz moved into the attic with Rose & i. I hung out alone for a few hrs, then the music began. the san pedro had been peeled by the women of the house, Whapio, Christina, Arun (leather worker, handy at everything), Abel (tattoo artist, amazing didgeridoo player, shaman as well) his wife, children, other friends. it’s a celebration which occurs every full moon, but since our class is busy on Saturday night, the ceremony has been moved to Friday night.

the very outside of the cactus is peeled (the waxy part) then the top green layer of skin is boiled for 8 hours along with some coca leaf. the inner meat isn’t used as it’s quite upsetting to the stomach. sage & other sacred herbs were being burned & Abel did some other work over the stove as things began. Whapio & Liz lead us in song, just like class in Bellingham, then the jimbaes & didgeridoo came out. it’s amazing what can be created by only 2 drums and 1 didgeridoo!!! i video recorded one song; it’s pitch black, you can only see the fire burning in our front yard garden, but the music was great. it’s 1am and the fire is still going and the music is still playing loudly. most are sleeping through it, some are wearing ear plugs, I can hear Ukiah crying every now & again. it’s been 2 days of creation and ceremony to prepare for tomorrow. we even had a large rat run in through the front door, that was boxed up & put outside our main wall… all one could hear from the outside was women screaming, lol.