my tattoo...

Jan. 27/09

it took 5 hours to fully receive. Lori kept saying things like “you don’t have to keep going, do you want a break, you’re so strong, I’m so proud of you” etc. she was my tattoo doula/photographer, & Abel was the tattoo midwife. he had been so patient with the designing of the tattoo, all the back and forth while Lori translated my vision, and finally 2 weeks later, it was exactly what I wanted. it only took me 10 years to get to this point :) !

in the beginning, I was breathing through the “pain”, moving my head and neck, bracing myself on the table, and managing alright. I was ready for this marking on my body; there was no other preparation I could’ve gone through. Aerina, Rose & Jaydee stopped in to watch and energetically support me, while the angel transformed. I was “between the worlds”.

I thought I had a high pain tolerance, but I’d never had shading done before – WOW!! that’s an entirely different kind of sting! after about the 4th hour, I couldn’t be with the pain, I couldn’t move through it or meld with it or zone it out or dissipate it. it was in my face. my head rested on Lori’s chest and I bawled (i have videos, lol). I was reaching my maximum pain threshold, but it wouldn’t hurt any less if I came back another day. someone asked me why I stuck it out & I said “that’s how I roll”… it’s true though. here I was, back to the holistic stages of labour, moving through them in a manner I’d never done before. I think the hike up the mountain had been preparing me for this tattoo. Abel felt horrible for “causing me so much physical pain” but I told him to push onward.

I’d been mostly unaware of who’d been passing through, until mundane conversation was happening around me and the pain intensity would ramp up; my cry, scream or swearing would escalate. through it all, I was observing myself with curiosity. wow, it’s probably so true, to add 30 minutes to 1 hour per person who attend a woman’s labour. the distraction would not only pull me out of any zone I was in, but I actually reacted differently when attention wasn’t focused on me & my pain level augmented. how does a labouring woman experience pain when casual, unrelated conversation is going on? or conversation at all? Lori had to ask some people to leave on my behalf at one point, I was ready to loose it. one woman came in offering me codeine – again, relating to birth, I was okay with crying, okay with feeling pain, I didn’t want drugs to numb myself, I wasn’t looking to escape my experience! I was giving birth!! the best thing she could do was remove herself from my space.

there was another man in the room who was having a tattoo done about half way through mine. he mentioned he held his mom’s hand while she delivered his brother & that my expression of pain was assisting him through his own, as he wasn’t able to vocalize the way I’d been. it was sweet. i was later told several people had said it was the most beautiful tattoo they’d ever seen. it’s my power tattoo & it´s going on Abel’s wall of tattoos.

what is it? I knew I was to incorporate my native spirit name, “Silent Owl Messenger Woman”. I knew I wanted to transform the angel into something else. the tree has always held significance in my world, and better yet, the tree of life as that ties into the placenta. I wanted more than the owl though; I’ve had many constant creatures teach me or offer their wisdom along my way, being the butterfly, the snake & the spider. (the cat is another guide, Sheba still visits me in my dreams as recently as 2 weeks ago, but that will be a separate tattoo later on.) I also wanted more colour and layering to bring it all to life. the angel isn’t visible to those who didn’t know it’s prior existence, the tree of life has merged with her, the snake is coming up the trunk, a very specific butterfly is on the trunk, the Nasca spider (you’ll need to look it up online) is coming out from behind the tree, while the owl is in flight behind the tree, with one wing expanded visible between the branches. the blues of the cosmos join to the greens of the earth.

after I came home, I took a homeopathic remedy. I was shaking so much now that the adrenaline was wearing off. everyone wanted to talk to me or see it & all that was important to me was my needs, not satisfying the crowd. again, how I imagine birth to be. I was heavily dreaming that night: Makenna told me I visited her & quietly held out my hands to her. Whapio said she saw something flying in her dream, then realized it was human, then saw it was me; she said after I’d passed and she wanted me to return, that I did so to acknowledge her but that I had to continue on. Whapio understood in that moment that I was astral traveling. my own dream was of giving birth: I’ve had plenty of labour dreams, but this was different. I could feel the baby moving down the yoni canal, I wasn’t really needing to push, the head was now out & I reached down to feel it. I was alone & conscious of not tearing, but gave a gentle push so the body would also be born. a second baby was also coming, twins!

what a journey the past couple days have been.