my heart is aching, strange dreams...
you are still in bed, sleeping,
weaving your process
as i sit in my own complication.
wild is the wind that blows this current,
wild is the heart
tampered is the mind,
but how do i continue on
while integrating both into this reality,
without leaving one behind?
uncertainty is now highlighted on the forest lawn,
pulsating, strong,
infiltrating my dreams...
of you i grow weary,
though i push forward
through your tangled mosh pit
with force and struggle,
desperate to understand
how are we're still serving one another.
you remove yourself and i begin observing,
skimming only that which applies,
circumventing like an angry child.
the shifts enter in so subtly!
how dangerous the hazards must be handled
in order to survive,
but don't i want more than this?
did "creating anew" already drain out
with the water of the bath?
how unfortunate my wand is out of commission,
stuck with glue to the glass
of my own ceiling.
sure, this will pass, it always does...
but how to navigate through the ever-lasting uncertainty
becomes my ingrown mystery.
to uncover rapidly is perhaps not possible
so just take it all in, patiently and
taste the multitude of flavors
on this merry-go-round
of grown-up make belief.
just be certain to stay afloat,
cause all too quickly
i've found myself underneath
being tossed around like a rag doll,
long ago having fumbled with the rope.
the rainbow increases its speed
undulating me around
exploring the many ways
to funnel flow through me with sound, color & light
all with great emphasis
on encouraging me to take flight.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
present past
tappin' into some sadness,
tears knockin' on the back of my eyelids.
maybe it's the Sigur Ros playin in my mp3
maybe it's the fact that i'm walking into the morn'
at 2:03.
do old friends and past loves, know us best?
or do they claim to what they once knew
only to box in the rest?
indeed the flood is tempting the dawn
and though i've built no border
it sits, it simmers, at that point
right before boiling.
maybe it was all to trigger these sensations,
to encourage another release...
but it seems to have only shakin' my tree,
to prematurely let go of unripened fruit,
to watch it drop out underneath,
from my skirts, onto the grass
below.
where am i still boxing in the ring,
when am i not applying everything
to the ones i surround myself with?
where am i being scarce with the credit
i only want to be resounding in?
perhaps my corridors are filled too full
to permit any sort of reflective echo.
oh and the words run through my tissues!
maybe to drop down into a new scenery
or blanch out what is no longer of use to me.
i suppose it's this in between season
permitting me perspective
on what once was,
and what's now within greater reason.
tears knockin' on the back of my eyelids.
maybe it's the Sigur Ros playin in my mp3
maybe it's the fact that i'm walking into the morn'
at 2:03.
do old friends and past loves, know us best?
or do they claim to what they once knew
only to box in the rest?
indeed the flood is tempting the dawn
and though i've built no border
it sits, it simmers, at that point
right before boiling.
maybe it was all to trigger these sensations,
to encourage another release...
but it seems to have only shakin' my tree,
to prematurely let go of unripened fruit,
to watch it drop out underneath,
from my skirts, onto the grass
below.
where am i still boxing in the ring,
when am i not applying everything
to the ones i surround myself with?
where am i being scarce with the credit
i only want to be resounding in?
perhaps my corridors are filled too full
to permit any sort of reflective echo.
oh and the words run through my tissues!
maybe to drop down into a new scenery
or blanch out what is no longer of use to me.
i suppose it's this in between season
permitting me perspective
on what once was,
and what's now within greater reason.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
passion blossoms
oh sweetness
i hear you calling,
from across the sea
your waves flow through me.
and i feel you near my soul,
in my heart beating full -
you lift me up
oh sweet Venus!
gentle tears rolling down
flushing my heart
cleansing the ground
only to unite with source
back to the sea, sweet Eros.
trust i am with you,
your deepest heart knows!
allow the mind to rest,
making no attempt to canonize
or decipher the codes
for there is no drop of ocean harboring the best!
expand in love,
love it all,
as it is the everything
which only exists
when we are limitless.
i will love all of you
without yanking you apart
like a taxidermist,
who has unknowingly
squandered the heart.
i see you in me
i see me in you,
the passiflora vines weave curiously
to see each other anew.
we dance as a life force
to the collective drum,
pulsating together
in harmonious unison.
i hear you calling,
from across the sea
your waves flow through me.
and i feel you near my soul,
in my heart beating full -
you lift me up
oh sweet Venus!
gentle tears rolling down
flushing my heart
cleansing the ground
only to unite with source
back to the sea, sweet Eros.
trust i am with you,
your deepest heart knows!
allow the mind to rest,
making no attempt to canonize
or decipher the codes
for there is no drop of ocean harboring the best!
expand in love,
love it all,
as it is the everything
which only exists
when we are limitless.
i will love all of you
without yanking you apart
like a taxidermist,
who has unknowingly
squandered the heart.
i see you in me
i see me in you,
the passiflora vines weave curiously
to see each other anew.
we dance as a life force
to the collective drum,
pulsating together
in harmonious unison.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
acceptance...
back on the menu! perhaps for the entirety of this life?...
what does it mean to really accept someone regardless of the choices they make or beyond the common value pack of age, race and gender?
to start, i must remove the word "really" = acceptance is acceptance, there is no "really".
trust is trust.
forgive is to forgive &
love is love.
there are no varying degrees "really", are there?
if my word is my word, why would i tell another "trust me"?
if i truly have forgiven, then there is no space to maintain resentment or be triggered over a person or situation.
it's easy to accept someone until they take an action we perceive to (a) be against us or simply (b) not within the realm we agree to live in.
how interesting that K, someone i've always experienced a deep, incredible love & admiration for all my life, is the one who has pushed my perceptions, overwhelmed my boundaries, destroyed my comforts and... from a child's broken heart to a jaded parent's point of view (in basic language), someone who has "let me down". (i use this term loosely, as it's mainly my expectations that walk me down into that pit of quicksand).
of course!! who else would i have stuck around for in such times, when i've often taken it all personally enough to question "how can he make such actions against me?!!"
and he, who's life would be ultimately affected, is most placid in the face of it all! he who has the two beautiful children, is the one who knocks the doors down, slices & perforates the fabric and shields himself in a puncture-proof vest.
where was i filing my complaint again?
who was i filing it against?
what does it mean to really accept someone regardless of the choices they make or beyond the common value pack of age, race and gender?
to start, i must remove the word "really" = acceptance is acceptance, there is no "really".
trust is trust.
forgive is to forgive &
love is love.
there are no varying degrees "really", are there?
if my word is my word, why would i tell another "trust me"?
if i truly have forgiven, then there is no space to maintain resentment or be triggered over a person or situation.
it's easy to accept someone until they take an action we perceive to (a) be against us or simply (b) not within the realm we agree to live in.
how interesting that K, someone i've always experienced a deep, incredible love & admiration for all my life, is the one who has pushed my perceptions, overwhelmed my boundaries, destroyed my comforts and... from a child's broken heart to a jaded parent's point of view (in basic language), someone who has "let me down". (i use this term loosely, as it's mainly my expectations that walk me down into that pit of quicksand).
of course!! who else would i have stuck around for in such times, when i've often taken it all personally enough to question "how can he make such actions against me?!!"
and he, who's life would be ultimately affected, is most placid in the face of it all! he who has the two beautiful children, is the one who knocks the doors down, slices & perforates the fabric and shields himself in a puncture-proof vest.
where was i filing my complaint again?
who was i filing it against?
Monday, August 24, 2009
nectar
oh goddess!
oh sweet ecstasy!
i am on FIRE for you!!
i am blazing
drunk on your alcohol,
saturated by your nectar,
roaring & inextinguishable!
oh sweet ecstasy!
i am on FIRE for you!!
i am blazing
drunk on your alcohol,
saturated by your nectar,
roaring & inextinguishable!
we are all a different translation of human existence
blessed be
the one who's heart sheds
like the arbutus tree.
ever unfolding,
like the uncoiling of the serpent
or the chrysalis of the butterfly,
all the metaphors
which teach my being to soar high.
the symbolic valentine expands,
the fiery life force offers a hand,
while the power of vitality births
my visions of life,
are constantly unearthed!
metamorphosis;
this existence
unravels me
like the aerial silk thread.
i hunger in this buffet only for more,
while the exquisite thirst & yearning
blast wide open all my doors.
life is my fountain of youth,
requiring a constant cajoling to drink
and trust the bitters of its vermouth.
fear is the comic catalyst to expand:
the siren communes symbiotically
with the sweet fruits of the land,
luring me deep, into the cavern within.
the lush forest of infinity
and the fairy tales of pan
each play a role
in the universal path
and cosmic plan.
linear time is short
in the labyrinth of corn-husks.
this vessel gallantly skips onward
doing all it must.
tapping the heads of cobblestone,
through puddles,
and o'er the lily pads it goes.
eternally into the rainbows,
for this quest is but
a scavenger hunt for gold.
the beauty is discovering
we are not mere beggars,
who accept only scraps -
every morsel is ore!
the secret is revealing
perception lies in translation -
we are all royal mortals!
so maintain your fluidity
and never surrender your ambidexterity
to the one who claims to have it all -
for that is the day
you will certainly fall.
the one who's heart sheds
like the arbutus tree.
ever unfolding,
like the uncoiling of the serpent
or the chrysalis of the butterfly,
all the metaphors
which teach my being to soar high.
the symbolic valentine expands,
the fiery life force offers a hand,
while the power of vitality births
my visions of life,
are constantly unearthed!
metamorphosis;
this existence
unravels me
like the aerial silk thread.
i hunger in this buffet only for more,
while the exquisite thirst & yearning
blast wide open all my doors.
life is my fountain of youth,
requiring a constant cajoling to drink
and trust the bitters of its vermouth.
fear is the comic catalyst to expand:
the siren communes symbiotically
with the sweet fruits of the land,
luring me deep, into the cavern within.
the lush forest of infinity
and the fairy tales of pan
each play a role
in the universal path
and cosmic plan.
linear time is short
in the labyrinth of corn-husks.
this vessel gallantly skips onward
doing all it must.
tapping the heads of cobblestone,
through puddles,
and o'er the lily pads it goes.
eternally into the rainbows,
for this quest is but
a scavenger hunt for gold.
the beauty is discovering
we are not mere beggars,
who accept only scraps -
every morsel is ore!
the secret is revealing
perception lies in translation -
we are all royal mortals!
so maintain your fluidity
and never surrender your ambidexterity
to the one who claims to have it all -
for that is the day
you will certainly fall.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
managing our energy
our voices are so powerful!
what is the fear surrounding our ability & choice to use them?
do we not trust we know when to use them wisely? perhaps we've been children holding raging chainsaws too many times. yes, i know i've been there.
is our fear ingrained so deeply, through history? are we fearing our demise, our decapitation of choice to be heard and ultimately, our death?
"someone will listen!!!" my heart cries out inside...
(in that very moment while writing, a woman near by said...)
"i wanted to punch him in the throat"
well, i guess not everyone will or can listen to what is being spoken.
...why not walk away then? why just sit there and hear, only to then bitch?
what is it which keeps us in our inner workings of rut, annoyance & rackets? of course it's us. but i mean beyond that? what is the underbelly of service to? even the individual boils down to the barrel of basics...
so much oppression & many power struggles.
oppression... a weapon of mass destruction, used to suffocate another, manipulate beliefs...
power struggles... not being heard, not being listened to, unmet needs fester
self respect,
there is enough love in this world!
step from lack & scarcity,
best of chance
in courageous authenticity!
what is the fear surrounding our ability & choice to use them?
do we not trust we know when to use them wisely? perhaps we've been children holding raging chainsaws too many times. yes, i know i've been there.
is our fear ingrained so deeply, through history? are we fearing our demise, our decapitation of choice to be heard and ultimately, our death?
"someone will listen!!!" my heart cries out inside...
(in that very moment while writing, a woman near by said...)
"i wanted to punch him in the throat"
well, i guess not everyone will or can listen to what is being spoken.
...why not walk away then? why just sit there and hear, only to then bitch?
what is it which keeps us in our inner workings of rut, annoyance & rackets? of course it's us. but i mean beyond that? what is the underbelly of service to? even the individual boils down to the barrel of basics...
so much oppression & many power struggles.
oppression... a weapon of mass destruction, used to suffocate another, manipulate beliefs...
power struggles... not being heard, not being listened to, unmet needs fester
self respect,
there is enough love in this world!
step from lack & scarcity,
best of chance
in courageous authenticity!
Friday, August 21, 2009
the shadow
sometimes i experience being paralyzed, though its source is none other than internal.
my days extend heavily into the night, to get it all done.my being shifts to one who is nocturnal
and heavenly slumber, is mainly burdensome.
who am i living to be?
what am i creating in me?
are my external judgments melting away?
am i living my life for me, each day?
overwhelm is on the forefront again.
balance Ange,
balance both hands.
i am perceived through that or distance.
fully present or in complete missing.
and in between, i lay on the ocean floor
while its waves and thrust effortlessly contain their force.
allowing me to feel me
they wait patiently for my signal to release.
they watch my wheels turn
and watch it all unwind.
they witness the process
never place doubt on that which is not theirs,
for we understand each other.
we are both learning from our place on the planet
what we are here to fully be.
so give and take
and primarily patience
are most at stake.
who am i to judge another when it is not my purpose or path to walk that existence?
no wonder we are always comparing ourselves to another.
my role is only to my 100% dedication: ME!
to go deep, deep, deeper within.
how may another know what is best or right?
their feedback only applies
like the generalities of my weekly horoscope,
no more than such
than the starry sky's broadcasting through light.
4am poetry inspiration
i felt the intensity, the pulling,
to crawl into bed with you.
oh, and the nasty things i'll do with you!
the ways i want to be with you!
my hands wrap around your every inch
my fingers will memorize your texture,
your topography.
my pelvis arches up
though you are not there to receive me.
i will wait patiently
for these early days to ripen
until i am beside you again.
til then,
my spirit swirls around yours.
beautiful hues surround you
golden weaving thread
i weave to you.
from my bed
sweet nectar flows.
from my garden
fertile grounds sew.
incubating patiently for the time when
cultivation will be,
on our menu
again.
to crawl into bed with you.
oh, and the nasty things i'll do with you!
the ways i want to be with you!
my hands wrap around your every inch
my fingers will memorize your texture,
your topography.
my pelvis arches up
though you are not there to receive me.
i will wait patiently
for these early days to ripen
until i am beside you again.
til then,
my spirit swirls around yours.
beautiful hues surround you
golden weaving thread
i weave to you.
from my bed
sweet nectar flows.
from my garden
fertile grounds sew.
incubating patiently for the time when
cultivation will be,
on our menu
again.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
upon waking...
there is really so much left to say.
my body speaks to me in the ways it knows i'll listen - my dreams - which have been flowing through vividly.
blogging took a back seat when i arrived back from Peru and for the past 3 weeks (exactly since being back) i've been blogging live to those around me.
but my dreams is where i'm going right now. 1st, i'll make a smoothie.
what am i avoiding to say? i'm not hiding, but there seems to be layers that arise through writing which don't always when i'm speaking.
my body speaks to me in the ways it knows i'll listen - my dreams - which have been flowing through vividly.
blogging took a back seat when i arrived back from Peru and for the past 3 weeks (exactly since being back) i've been blogging live to those around me.
but my dreams is where i'm going right now. 1st, i'll make a smoothie.
what am i avoiding to say? i'm not hiding, but there seems to be layers that arise through writing which don't always when i'm speaking.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Cross The Delta
the breath of life is blown into me.
the creation unfolds slowly, "dormant" until the timing is perfect.
love, patience...
the cavern is warm, mysterious, dark, full of love.
the wind begins to hum, the unveiling is summoned.
my roots dig deep into the dirt; i shoot high into the cosmos.
light, sound, touch - oh! to be touched!!
being seen through love's gentle & timeless gaze.
who is that? oh, it is i, witnessing & adorning me!
the balance of conquering & allowing uninhibited growth, nourish my limbs.
vast expansion rings its song.
the buzzing, thorns, thistles.
the path up: treacherous.
the rains flow, the tempest sings.
the earth gapes open: the cliff leads to the edge.
i am swallowed by the omniscient cave.
Kali dances on my unconsciousness, destroying all overgrowth.
cradled by the womb.
newly cleansed.
the path down is of ease.
flowering, peace.
held by Pachamama,
known by the universe,
witnessed by existence.
--------------------------------------
she showed me beyond what my eyes allowed me to see.
turquoise & violet rays of light, shooting off a rainbow crystal.
the owl spread her wings to fly.
cross the delta: abundant fertility, reap the harvest, flourish in crossing, bring it to the people.
the creation unfolds slowly, "dormant" until the timing is perfect.
love, patience...
the cavern is warm, mysterious, dark, full of love.
the wind begins to hum, the unveiling is summoned.
my roots dig deep into the dirt; i shoot high into the cosmos.
light, sound, touch - oh! to be touched!!
being seen through love's gentle & timeless gaze.
who is that? oh, it is i, witnessing & adorning me!
the balance of conquering & allowing uninhibited growth, nourish my limbs.
vast expansion rings its song.
the buzzing, thorns, thistles.
the path up: treacherous.
the rains flow, the tempest sings.
the earth gapes open: the cliff leads to the edge.
i am swallowed by the omniscient cave.
Kali dances on my unconsciousness, destroying all overgrowth.
cradled by the womb.
newly cleansed.
the path down is of ease.
flowering, peace.
held by Pachamama,
known by the universe,
witnessed by existence.
--------------------------------------
she showed me beyond what my eyes allowed me to see.
turquoise & violet rays of light, shooting off a rainbow crystal.
the owl spread her wings to fly.
cross the delta: abundant fertility, reap the harvest, flourish in crossing, bring it to the people.
arrow splinters stick in my side
Feb. 10/09
last night we wrapped it all up chez Fallen Angel. a couple Andean martinis too many sent me into bouts of comedy & performance. I’ve had several outbursts of loud laughter this week, a sure sign my body is releasing overwhelming emotions.
after I finished packing in my buzzed state, I heaved my suitcases from the attic & crawled into bed with Brook for some Harry Potter & ramen noodles. we passed out fairly quickly after that. i woke up a few hours later after a dream: I was staying at mom & dad’s, a cupboard above the fridge was packed with lindt chocolate (in reality representing all the chocolate Nick, Claire’s boyfriend, had brought us women when he arrived in Peru this week), and I wasn’t with H.
the dream had those “all too real” sensations attached to it, you know you’re awake, but there is no differentiation. right: this is real. sigh, this is so messed up…
in every minute, there are countless moments where my mind tries to process what is really going on. I know, but it is surreal. really? with her? really? at all?
what happened to you?
who are you?
the weight of your illusion finally cracked your camouflage.
i don't know you.
my ideal for traveling, whether geographically, on the edge or cosmically, is that there are always welcoming, loving arms to come back “home” to. so much pressure on that one person. so much unrequited excitement. I do have a wealth of love welcoming my presence no matter where my feet land. but I want it from that person who used to love me. looking back, i see how far away you've gone.
I’m barely sleeping anymore, definitely not through the night, internal upheaval, my appetite marks its limit quickly & my subconscious brain is flooded with peculiar dreams. even though I am dealing so well, that’s just it – I am dealing. surfing the waves as they arise and trying to keep the board under my body. some moments I’d rather be fighting sharks, battling giant squid or cooking fresh calamari on the beach under a galaxy of fireflies.
what is home anymore? “home is where the heart is” they say – what does that even mean? the Venus abode I created is now destroyed. i trusted my sanctuary to a free radical. i am homeless. my address has been reduced to a mailbox, no longer equating reprieve, as it too is tainted. I am still cleaning up debris from the demolishing of my heart; pieces of which are strewn in some sort of riddle.
this is so disorienting, unreal, erroneous, illusory…
I sway from sparkle to lackluster, tip-toeing on the edges of apathy despite the “no trespassing” signs.
an apathetic state is my decay.
last night we wrapped it all up chez Fallen Angel. a couple Andean martinis too many sent me into bouts of comedy & performance. I’ve had several outbursts of loud laughter this week, a sure sign my body is releasing overwhelming emotions.
after I finished packing in my buzzed state, I heaved my suitcases from the attic & crawled into bed with Brook for some Harry Potter & ramen noodles. we passed out fairly quickly after that. i woke up a few hours later after a dream: I was staying at mom & dad’s, a cupboard above the fridge was packed with lindt chocolate (in reality representing all the chocolate Nick, Claire’s boyfriend, had brought us women when he arrived in Peru this week), and I wasn’t with H.
the dream had those “all too real” sensations attached to it, you know you’re awake, but there is no differentiation. right: this is real. sigh, this is so messed up…
in every minute, there are countless moments where my mind tries to process what is really going on. I know, but it is surreal. really? with her? really? at all?
what happened to you?
who are you?
the weight of your illusion finally cracked your camouflage.
i don't know you.
my ideal for traveling, whether geographically, on the edge or cosmically, is that there are always welcoming, loving arms to come back “home” to. so much pressure on that one person. so much unrequited excitement. I do have a wealth of love welcoming my presence no matter where my feet land. but I want it from that person who used to love me. looking back, i see how far away you've gone.
I’m barely sleeping anymore, definitely not through the night, internal upheaval, my appetite marks its limit quickly & my subconscious brain is flooded with peculiar dreams. even though I am dealing so well, that’s just it – I am dealing. surfing the waves as they arise and trying to keep the board under my body. some moments I’d rather be fighting sharks, battling giant squid or cooking fresh calamari on the beach under a galaxy of fireflies.
what is home anymore? “home is where the heart is” they say – what does that even mean? the Venus abode I created is now destroyed. i trusted my sanctuary to a free radical. i am homeless. my address has been reduced to a mailbox, no longer equating reprieve, as it too is tainted. I am still cleaning up debris from the demolishing of my heart; pieces of which are strewn in some sort of riddle.
this is so disorienting, unreal, erroneous, illusory…
I sway from sparkle to lackluster, tip-toeing on the edges of apathy despite the “no trespassing” signs.
an apathetic state is my decay.
Friday, February 6, 2009
holding hands with the unknown
Feb. 6
the fire is burning, people are grooving, Pedico is on the djembe, Abel is on didgeridoo and I am squealing inside, happy! there is no place I’d rather be then sitting on my thin floor mattress, writing.
I have never felt so clear about who I am than right now. I have never felt so much love for the bonds of women and appreciation for our capacity to go deep with one another. together, we hang out on the edge and court the flux!
what happened with Makenna & Abel was a gift to us all; for me, I have greater understanding for how a community can be impacted. i couldn’t help but reflect on getting married away from that community. although it was the choice H & I made for us, it also had an underlying rebellious tone. there wasn’t much opportunity for our families to say anything, because all we would’ve heard was them trying to convince us for their sakes. no one likes to get off their position when in defense. and what is the point to being married in front of others? so that the community can bear witness to two people committing to one another and the couple can say “when your assistance is required, we’ll call on you”. my community is seen and unseen: I am completely supported in this physical reality by my blood family, my soul family, my beautiful women, past lovers, my teachers, Pachamama, this land, spirit, existence. just when I think I’ve felt so much love, more pours into this vessel!
the other day I mentally scolded myself, frustrated that I was “still” dealing with emotions of insecurity in relation to other women, feeling possessive & paranoid. I was relieved when I found about H, that my intuition hadn’t been taking me around that bend again – I was dead on, listening & taking action. I am actually done with those unjustifiable feelings!! of course my precious intuition wouldn’t fail me!! it never has, why would it now? telling someone they’re “off” in their intuition or simply discounting it, is such a harmful thing to do. as children it arises a lot, if they’re misguided, how will they stabilize in knowing themselves early on? it spins into going outside of oneself for validation, seeking another’s opinion & later lacking self-direction.
i made an agreement a long time ago to be an active seeker of truth, to constantly fertilize my growth & expansion, at no matter what cost. *I have an abundance in my bank account! I’m flipping the bill again, and know I will be alright, because I always am. I am one of the most resilient people I know, I soak it all up and shine only brighter in the world.
during last night’s ayahuasca ceremony (my 2nd one this week), I observed myself in a way I’d been waiting for. there was a large Peruvian woman, hunched-over, dressed in a dark green dress that cinched around her waist, with a dark green cloak that went past her face. I could only see her profile as she was heading up the side of a mountain and i was accompanying her. we got to the edge and below where a cliffside or valley would be, was my being in its massive nature, swirling, spinning in a vortex. she told me to look and at first I played small, to which she energetically whacked me with a broom, as grandma does. (Ayahuasca, aka “grandma”, has 5000 years experience with humans) I continued to observe, everything shifting through rainbows, angels, colours, magnificent beauty: I was engrained with knowing I am enough. I never need to morph into anyone else to be accepted, I need not change anything about me, I am perfect as I am. it’s not to say I won’t continue to expand, but that I meet existence in every moment, I am perfect for my existence. if worth ever comes up again, I know it is not mine. I’d had a similar experience while meditating in the fall, which showed me the grand picture of we are all one. this was much more personal.
I’ve found myself in new territory since having my internal knowledge confirmed; one of compassion for them both, love is flowing through me, clarity & wisdom are within, my being is flexible, flowing and ready. I agreed to hold hands with the unknown, but my ideal was within the context of the “known of the unknown” – that’s way more safe, lol. again, it ties to birth, which is completely full of unknown factors that people often try to predict, intercept, manage & control. oh boy, am I in the thick of the unknown right now!
this is also what I unconsciously agreed to with getting married, by making this trip to Peru. my life is moving more & more to the edge and I love sitting there, because I am capable. if I’d still been living in fear, I never would have come to Peru, instead I would’ve lived from “what if” and never left the house. and with marriage, by agreeing to understand all, knowing I would experience every feeling in the book, is this not part of it? I never expected this to happen, nor did i expect it would be an unchallenged journey – it’s not my style.
I choose midwifery, I choose to continue on, to never unplug my creative energy in response to fear of being alone (a-because i am never alone, b-because I love being alone). is this all not to break my conditioning, my beliefs, my past responses, my past lives? and what change would I commit to if I wasn’t coerced? why would a calc carb leave the comforts of her Venus home if it weren’t necessary? certainly a catalyst is necessary.
so I’ll give it time to unfold, time to unwind, time to be in the presence of love, time for me. I continue to trust this is all for what I cannot yet see, for each of us. I trust in the bigger picture.
you take your time to scale the wall you’ve hit up against. locate trust for me, trust to be honest with me. you could’ve told me instead of betraying our trust. what are the patterns that you are recreating? you shut your heart to me and opened it to her: is that what love would do?
the fire is burning, people are grooving, Pedico is on the djembe, Abel is on didgeridoo and I am squealing inside, happy! there is no place I’d rather be then sitting on my thin floor mattress, writing.
I have never felt so clear about who I am than right now. I have never felt so much love for the bonds of women and appreciation for our capacity to go deep with one another. together, we hang out on the edge and court the flux!
what happened with Makenna & Abel was a gift to us all; for me, I have greater understanding for how a community can be impacted. i couldn’t help but reflect on getting married away from that community. although it was the choice H & I made for us, it also had an underlying rebellious tone. there wasn’t much opportunity for our families to say anything, because all we would’ve heard was them trying to convince us for their sakes. no one likes to get off their position when in defense. and what is the point to being married in front of others? so that the community can bear witness to two people committing to one another and the couple can say “when your assistance is required, we’ll call on you”. my community is seen and unseen: I am completely supported in this physical reality by my blood family, my soul family, my beautiful women, past lovers, my teachers, Pachamama, this land, spirit, existence. just when I think I’ve felt so much love, more pours into this vessel!
the other day I mentally scolded myself, frustrated that I was “still” dealing with emotions of insecurity in relation to other women, feeling possessive & paranoid. I was relieved when I found about H, that my intuition hadn’t been taking me around that bend again – I was dead on, listening & taking action. I am actually done with those unjustifiable feelings!! of course my precious intuition wouldn’t fail me!! it never has, why would it now? telling someone they’re “off” in their intuition or simply discounting it, is such a harmful thing to do. as children it arises a lot, if they’re misguided, how will they stabilize in knowing themselves early on? it spins into going outside of oneself for validation, seeking another’s opinion & later lacking self-direction.
i made an agreement a long time ago to be an active seeker of truth, to constantly fertilize my growth & expansion, at no matter what cost. *I have an abundance in my bank account! I’m flipping the bill again, and know I will be alright, because I always am. I am one of the most resilient people I know, I soak it all up and shine only brighter in the world.
during last night’s ayahuasca ceremony (my 2nd one this week), I observed myself in a way I’d been waiting for. there was a large Peruvian woman, hunched-over, dressed in a dark green dress that cinched around her waist, with a dark green cloak that went past her face. I could only see her profile as she was heading up the side of a mountain and i was accompanying her. we got to the edge and below where a cliffside or valley would be, was my being in its massive nature, swirling, spinning in a vortex. she told me to look and at first I played small, to which she energetically whacked me with a broom, as grandma does. (Ayahuasca, aka “grandma”, has 5000 years experience with humans) I continued to observe, everything shifting through rainbows, angels, colours, magnificent beauty: I was engrained with knowing I am enough. I never need to morph into anyone else to be accepted, I need not change anything about me, I am perfect as I am. it’s not to say I won’t continue to expand, but that I meet existence in every moment, I am perfect for my existence. if worth ever comes up again, I know it is not mine. I’d had a similar experience while meditating in the fall, which showed me the grand picture of we are all one. this was much more personal.
I’ve found myself in new territory since having my internal knowledge confirmed; one of compassion for them both, love is flowing through me, clarity & wisdom are within, my being is flexible, flowing and ready. I agreed to hold hands with the unknown, but my ideal was within the context of the “known of the unknown” – that’s way more safe, lol. again, it ties to birth, which is completely full of unknown factors that people often try to predict, intercept, manage & control. oh boy, am I in the thick of the unknown right now!
this is also what I unconsciously agreed to with getting married, by making this trip to Peru. my life is moving more & more to the edge and I love sitting there, because I am capable. if I’d still been living in fear, I never would have come to Peru, instead I would’ve lived from “what if” and never left the house. and with marriage, by agreeing to understand all, knowing I would experience every feeling in the book, is this not part of it? I never expected this to happen, nor did i expect it would be an unchallenged journey – it’s not my style.
I choose midwifery, I choose to continue on, to never unplug my creative energy in response to fear of being alone (a-because i am never alone, b-because I love being alone). is this all not to break my conditioning, my beliefs, my past responses, my past lives? and what change would I commit to if I wasn’t coerced? why would a calc carb leave the comforts of her Venus home if it weren’t necessary? certainly a catalyst is necessary.
so I’ll give it time to unfold, time to unwind, time to be in the presence of love, time for me. I continue to trust this is all for what I cannot yet see, for each of us. I trust in the bigger picture.
you take your time to scale the wall you’ve hit up against. locate trust for me, trust to be honest with me. you could’ve told me instead of betraying our trust. what are the patterns that you are recreating? you shut your heart to me and opened it to her: is that what love would do?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
the vibrations of my existance
breathe a new breath.
that is what i can do, to be in action.
forgiveness has been coming on strong as of late, to let go of my own bitterness, the darkness i keep stowed in my heart, my insecurities....
Feb 4/09
it’s time for me to sit in the fire regarding my habits, patterns and psyche. I did a dangerous thing in Nov/07; I made midwifery & H my world. I’d always wanted to be able to fully give myself to something, someone? I’m not certain anymore where I was coming from at the time. I was conscious in my creation, but the origin of the desire had never been re-examined. I imagine the way a parent loves their child unconditionally, was the way of loving I wanted to offer “my world”. parents don’t always love unconditionally though, and I had been embodying a lot of negative habits, which have me offer what I output today. my ideal hasn’t been mastered yet, so in turn I clung, called “attention” love and continued my neediness, which has been spinning downward for the better part of the past year.
this game has me circling a pillar while the unconscious patterns I’m ready to expose are 2 steps ahead of me. I am done with the negativity-breeding machine and by suffocating it, it will be done with me. this is just the mind speaking though & therefore cannot be trusted in this conversation.
I am still clinging onto that one major person in my life. it began with mom; of course it’d be the person I didn’t even know I was separate from until months after being born – seems only natural! but then something else happened: somehow my world transferred into Kevin’s hands and after he left, to every boyfriend I ever had, and finally, H. am I still playing into “I will be abandoned?”, meanwhile I’ve known since I was 15yrs that my internal state would create my external state.
“you are good enough to be loved, you know that right? you are enough, your love (not your b.s.) but your actual love, is enough. you’re still clear with that, right? where is the incongruency hiding?"
my action was dangerous because it was my way of trapping H. you see in my mind (the original place of my lie) I always believed marriage was the sacred & binding contract that couldn’t be broken. but that’s only on my side – such things need to be reciprocated in order to work and even then, nothing is guaranteed.
most contracts are null & void when neglect or abuse are introduced. if I left my laptop in the sun & spilled water all over it, the repair cost would be billed to me, or it may even be fried beyond repair. by allowing sloppiness to play out without sticking to new habits to avoid future damage, I’ve caused irrevocable harm to H.
I see your resistance to me. I see my arm around your waste was fixed too tightly. I held your hand when you didn’t want to. I wanted kisses while in a state of seeking. I’ll want your love my way. I’ll force you to go where you’re not ready/willing (ie: tantra). I’ve not been straight up with my communication & I’ll manipulate you or the situation to obtain the answer I want.
I asked you to marry me, because I knew I’d always want to live life beside you. I also thought marriage would be our safety net, so that no matter how low or hard we fell, we’d be guaranteed a soft spot to cushion our tushes and a path to lead us out of the dark. I thought this nebulous safety net would ensure H & I would grow, expand, change into new people over & over while staying together. unless in the circus, (which right now I could plead to being in) safety nets are an illusion in themselves.
I advocate for women in birth to be met where they are – what a hypocrite!! I can’t even meet you where you are in every moment!
I am attention seeking at the core of it all; recognize me, validate me.
why haven’t I stopped it?
CHOOSE. THAT’S IT. CHOOSE A DIFFERENT CHOICE WHEN IT ARRISES. DON’T FEED IT.
but that same mind that says those things also makes the wrong choice every other time. the same mind puts out the vibe of victim, powerless & pity while carrying a face of self-awareness and a plan of action to change. at least that looks good. am I really wanting to dissolve those ways though? honestly? is this my boiling point?
what do I trust?
-how do I step out of it since it’s not real anyway?
-pick another game. it too is born of the same mind. time to stop playing games period
how tainted is it?
what bargaining can I make to end the pattern?
-I see my mind exercising all its means to escape
the only option I’ve ever come to is death but that won’t have me transcend this issue eternally.
all my eggs in one basket…no wonder my world is crashing down. I flux & flow in many emotions throughout my day. my brain is preoccupied & unable to concentrate in class.
I wanted to give my all, but that wasn’t supposed to include my shit or shitty ways of being. the lack of filter is showing my ugliness.
I am not free; I am effected. I am also the creator though. I have created so much beauty, so this shouldn’t be too hard to transcend.
I know this isn’t beyond me…it never has been; this of course is my next step. I’ve been receiving attention since I started throwing temper tantrums as a young child. the action must die for me to evolve.
I am afraid that I’m in a rubrics-cube though. since as long as I remember, I’ll do X & Y in order to “keep” ________ in my life. it’s easy for me to be flexible and give up pieces of me, because they’re not real to begin with. I’ve been living my life in reaction to the threat of what fear will do. I will be completely alone if I am anything to do with these patterns. anytime anyone threatens to leave my life, I go into giving up a negative aspect that I’ve used as a building block to construct me, but is the block ever really demolished or replaced with anything pure?
and by baring what I see, only small steps have begun. if everything is a lie, an illusion, a construct of the mind, then where do I go from here? the sun is spinning out of control; the sun is facing the loss of its aurum.
I battle between self-pity/guilt and the spaces of change. i am done with hurting within & harming those I claim to love.
courage is one “rung’ above anger. I use courage to gain self-awareness, but has it brought about any real change? I’m stuck between dropping into my schnae and being this amazing loving person who is ready to burst out of this skin!
it’s time for love, compassion and forgiveness to soar and be in command. I know I am the tool for me to move through all that arises. i am done with all this shit.
I trust I will.
that is what i can do, to be in action.
forgiveness has been coming on strong as of late, to let go of my own bitterness, the darkness i keep stowed in my heart, my insecurities....
Feb 4/09
it’s time for me to sit in the fire regarding my habits, patterns and psyche. I did a dangerous thing in Nov/07; I made midwifery & H my world. I’d always wanted to be able to fully give myself to something, someone? I’m not certain anymore where I was coming from at the time. I was conscious in my creation, but the origin of the desire had never been re-examined. I imagine the way a parent loves their child unconditionally, was the way of loving I wanted to offer “my world”. parents don’t always love unconditionally though, and I had been embodying a lot of negative habits, which have me offer what I output today. my ideal hasn’t been mastered yet, so in turn I clung, called “attention” love and continued my neediness, which has been spinning downward for the better part of the past year.
this game has me circling a pillar while the unconscious patterns I’m ready to expose are 2 steps ahead of me. I am done with the negativity-breeding machine and by suffocating it, it will be done with me. this is just the mind speaking though & therefore cannot be trusted in this conversation.
I am still clinging onto that one major person in my life. it began with mom; of course it’d be the person I didn’t even know I was separate from until months after being born – seems only natural! but then something else happened: somehow my world transferred into Kevin’s hands and after he left, to every boyfriend I ever had, and finally, H. am I still playing into “I will be abandoned?”, meanwhile I’ve known since I was 15yrs that my internal state would create my external state.
“you are good enough to be loved, you know that right? you are enough, your love (not your b.s.) but your actual love, is enough. you’re still clear with that, right? where is the incongruency hiding?"
my action was dangerous because it was my way of trapping H. you see in my mind (the original place of my lie) I always believed marriage was the sacred & binding contract that couldn’t be broken. but that’s only on my side – such things need to be reciprocated in order to work and even then, nothing is guaranteed.
most contracts are null & void when neglect or abuse are introduced. if I left my laptop in the sun & spilled water all over it, the repair cost would be billed to me, or it may even be fried beyond repair. by allowing sloppiness to play out without sticking to new habits to avoid future damage, I’ve caused irrevocable harm to H.
I see your resistance to me. I see my arm around your waste was fixed too tightly. I held your hand when you didn’t want to. I wanted kisses while in a state of seeking. I’ll want your love my way. I’ll force you to go where you’re not ready/willing (ie: tantra). I’ve not been straight up with my communication & I’ll manipulate you or the situation to obtain the answer I want.
I asked you to marry me, because I knew I’d always want to live life beside you. I also thought marriage would be our safety net, so that no matter how low or hard we fell, we’d be guaranteed a soft spot to cushion our tushes and a path to lead us out of the dark. I thought this nebulous safety net would ensure H & I would grow, expand, change into new people over & over while staying together. unless in the circus, (which right now I could plead to being in) safety nets are an illusion in themselves.
I advocate for women in birth to be met where they are – what a hypocrite!! I can’t even meet you where you are in every moment!
I am attention seeking at the core of it all; recognize me, validate me.
why haven’t I stopped it?
CHOOSE. THAT’S IT. CHOOSE A DIFFERENT CHOICE WHEN IT ARRISES. DON’T FEED IT.
but that same mind that says those things also makes the wrong choice every other time. the same mind puts out the vibe of victim, powerless & pity while carrying a face of self-awareness and a plan of action to change. at least that looks good. am I really wanting to dissolve those ways though? honestly? is this my boiling point?
what do I trust?
-how do I step out of it since it’s not real anyway?
-pick another game. it too is born of the same mind. time to stop playing games period
how tainted is it?
what bargaining can I make to end the pattern?
-I see my mind exercising all its means to escape
the only option I’ve ever come to is death but that won’t have me transcend this issue eternally.
all my eggs in one basket…no wonder my world is crashing down. I flux & flow in many emotions throughout my day. my brain is preoccupied & unable to concentrate in class.
I wanted to give my all, but that wasn’t supposed to include my shit or shitty ways of being. the lack of filter is showing my ugliness.
I am not free; I am effected. I am also the creator though. I have created so much beauty, so this shouldn’t be too hard to transcend.
I know this isn’t beyond me…it never has been; this of course is my next step. I’ve been receiving attention since I started throwing temper tantrums as a young child. the action must die for me to evolve.
I am afraid that I’m in a rubrics-cube though. since as long as I remember, I’ll do X & Y in order to “keep” ________ in my life. it’s easy for me to be flexible and give up pieces of me, because they’re not real to begin with. I’ve been living my life in reaction to the threat of what fear will do. I will be completely alone if I am anything to do with these patterns. anytime anyone threatens to leave my life, I go into giving up a negative aspect that I’ve used as a building block to construct me, but is the block ever really demolished or replaced with anything pure?
and by baring what I see, only small steps have begun. if everything is a lie, an illusion, a construct of the mind, then where do I go from here? the sun is spinning out of control; the sun is facing the loss of its aurum.
I battle between self-pity/guilt and the spaces of change. i am done with hurting within & harming those I claim to love.
courage is one “rung’ above anger. I use courage to gain self-awareness, but has it brought about any real change? I’m stuck between dropping into my schnae and being this amazing loving person who is ready to burst out of this skin!
it’s time for love, compassion and forgiveness to soar and be in command. I know I am the tool for me to move through all that arises. i am done with all this shit.
I trust I will.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
one action can impact an entire community
Jan. 30/09
class on the 27th covered the topic of “woundology”, something Whapio had spoken with the Bellingham crew before & needed to be addressed in this time as well. our previous birth circle had reeked of verbal diarrhea & voices were mostly only fueling the fire of pain. at what point are we only feeding our pain, creating relationships and bonds out of that wound, competing for the greater injury, relating to ourselves through that wound, then convincing others to jump onto the victim wagon? I love the perspective Whapio gave when she asked us all to consider "how much energy it would take for an open physical wound to remain open, if we didn’t allow it to heal?" wow! it’d take a lot of enrolling of other people’s energy, how could we do it all alone? in this community, a lot of us focus on the “earth wound” and the “birth wound” then stay stuck.
the next day’s class followed with “rank, power & its misuses”. quantum physics states “by silently managing someone, I collapse the infinite amount of choices that person could have made”. damn, how many times had I done that?? how many times have I projected my wants onto others? I’ve looked at this when doing discipline 1 & 2, but my awareness was greater now. one woman raised the question of how to parent and not misuse rank. Whapio replied “kids loose respect for their parents when they’ve lived a lifetime of being projected onto, then comes distance & separation. what’s required is mutual respect and co-creating choice.” okay, note to self.
the afternoon followed with our practical skills class, where we discussed our yonis, we questioned what our sexual wisdom to our children would/should be, then followed with pelvimetry, a physical exam & speculum exams on each other.
the week’s heaviness had been building, Whapio’s room had been visited by many crying faces, everyone’s b.s. was arising & hitting a wall. it all climaxed yesterday afternoon when Makenna addressed the class regarding the affair she & Abel had. she sat in the fire while we drilled her, asked questions, tried to understand, reflected on our own action or lack of action, we scrutinized the holes in our community, examined the impact it had on us all since many of us had seen it building over the past couple weeks and addressed how to proceed. his wife, Maria, sits in our circle and although affairs are common for Peruvians, they’re not openly discussed or admitted, even if the partner is aware.
in my North American upbringing of not crossing another’s boundaries, I’d dropped my role in the community. instead of simply being happy that I’d passed that test in the world already, proud that it wasn’t me, as I’d sensed Abel was willing to go there with whomever had been willing, I could’ve been direct with Makenna. my redefining of the word “friendship” was still extending only to my personal, select community. it’s really easy for me to know a lot of detail of someone’s life, but then do nothing with it but benefit myself. where is my “wise woman tradition”? my appreciation for the sanctity of marriage and family is of course strengthened by myself now being married, and how fitting that I expressed myself to Makenna on my one year wedding anniversary. I see where I could’ve had a positive impact and where I thought “let her deal with it on her own”. no wonder our young women are so lost. would I treat my daughter that way? why then another woman? a woman I sit in circle with? alright, here’s one area my psychology requires some major examining.
the week was finally beginning to elevate after everything was brought to light. Brittany, who’s been reading cards for 7 years, did a reading for me last night. of course it was the same congruent beauty I’m already familiar with – pregnancy is on the horizon, abundance, creating anything I want & all I need to do is choose, comradery, etc! the interesting part was the last 2 cards which represent the “2 possible outcomes”: one card was the piper who represents mysticism, music that lures children away, illusion, etc, while the other card was about refining the ability to articulate and communicate wisdom. it was so clear to me, where I could buy into my own illusions and feed them or I could focus on my wisdom, and how different my life would be on the other side of either repetitive action. what a wonderful confirming gift!
2 weeks until i´m back in Vancouver. this journey is still going deeper, unrelentlessly.
class on the 27th covered the topic of “woundology”, something Whapio had spoken with the Bellingham crew before & needed to be addressed in this time as well. our previous birth circle had reeked of verbal diarrhea & voices were mostly only fueling the fire of pain. at what point are we only feeding our pain, creating relationships and bonds out of that wound, competing for the greater injury, relating to ourselves through that wound, then convincing others to jump onto the victim wagon? I love the perspective Whapio gave when she asked us all to consider "how much energy it would take for an open physical wound to remain open, if we didn’t allow it to heal?" wow! it’d take a lot of enrolling of other people’s energy, how could we do it all alone? in this community, a lot of us focus on the “earth wound” and the “birth wound” then stay stuck.
the next day’s class followed with “rank, power & its misuses”. quantum physics states “by silently managing someone, I collapse the infinite amount of choices that person could have made”. damn, how many times had I done that?? how many times have I projected my wants onto others? I’ve looked at this when doing discipline 1 & 2, but my awareness was greater now. one woman raised the question of how to parent and not misuse rank. Whapio replied “kids loose respect for their parents when they’ve lived a lifetime of being projected onto, then comes distance & separation. what’s required is mutual respect and co-creating choice.” okay, note to self.
the afternoon followed with our practical skills class, where we discussed our yonis, we questioned what our sexual wisdom to our children would/should be, then followed with pelvimetry, a physical exam & speculum exams on each other.
the week’s heaviness had been building, Whapio’s room had been visited by many crying faces, everyone’s b.s. was arising & hitting a wall. it all climaxed yesterday afternoon when Makenna addressed the class regarding the affair she & Abel had. she sat in the fire while we drilled her, asked questions, tried to understand, reflected on our own action or lack of action, we scrutinized the holes in our community, examined the impact it had on us all since many of us had seen it building over the past couple weeks and addressed how to proceed. his wife, Maria, sits in our circle and although affairs are common for Peruvians, they’re not openly discussed or admitted, even if the partner is aware.
in my North American upbringing of not crossing another’s boundaries, I’d dropped my role in the community. instead of simply being happy that I’d passed that test in the world already, proud that it wasn’t me, as I’d sensed Abel was willing to go there with whomever had been willing, I could’ve been direct with Makenna. my redefining of the word “friendship” was still extending only to my personal, select community. it’s really easy for me to know a lot of detail of someone’s life, but then do nothing with it but benefit myself. where is my “wise woman tradition”? my appreciation for the sanctity of marriage and family is of course strengthened by myself now being married, and how fitting that I expressed myself to Makenna on my one year wedding anniversary. I see where I could’ve had a positive impact and where I thought “let her deal with it on her own”. no wonder our young women are so lost. would I treat my daughter that way? why then another woman? a woman I sit in circle with? alright, here’s one area my psychology requires some major examining.
the week was finally beginning to elevate after everything was brought to light. Brittany, who’s been reading cards for 7 years, did a reading for me last night. of course it was the same congruent beauty I’m already familiar with – pregnancy is on the horizon, abundance, creating anything I want & all I need to do is choose, comradery, etc! the interesting part was the last 2 cards which represent the “2 possible outcomes”: one card was the piper who represents mysticism, music that lures children away, illusion, etc, while the other card was about refining the ability to articulate and communicate wisdom. it was so clear to me, where I could buy into my own illusions and feed them or I could focus on my wisdom, and how different my life would be on the other side of either repetitive action. what a wonderful confirming gift!
2 weeks until i´m back in Vancouver. this journey is still going deeper, unrelentlessly.
my tattoo...
Jan. 27/09
it took 5 hours to fully receive. Lori kept saying things like “you don’t have to keep going, do you want a break, you’re so strong, I’m so proud of you” etc. she was my tattoo doula/photographer, & Abel was the tattoo midwife. he had been so patient with the designing of the tattoo, all the back and forth while Lori translated my vision, and finally 2 weeks later, it was exactly what I wanted. it only took me 10 years to get to this point :) !
in the beginning, I was breathing through the “pain”, moving my head and neck, bracing myself on the table, and managing alright. I was ready for this marking on my body; there was no other preparation I could’ve gone through. Aerina, Rose & Jaydee stopped in to watch and energetically support me, while the angel transformed. I was “between the worlds”.
I thought I had a high pain tolerance, but I’d never had shading done before – WOW!! that’s an entirely different kind of sting! after about the 4th hour, I couldn’t be with the pain, I couldn’t move through it or meld with it or zone it out or dissipate it. it was in my face. my head rested on Lori’s chest and I bawled (i have videos, lol). I was reaching my maximum pain threshold, but it wouldn’t hurt any less if I came back another day. someone asked me why I stuck it out & I said “that’s how I roll”… it’s true though. here I was, back to the holistic stages of labour, moving through them in a manner I’d never done before. I think the hike up the mountain had been preparing me for this tattoo. Abel felt horrible for “causing me so much physical pain” but I told him to push onward.
I’d been mostly unaware of who’d been passing through, until mundane conversation was happening around me and the pain intensity would ramp up; my cry, scream or swearing would escalate. through it all, I was observing myself with curiosity. wow, it’s probably so true, to add 30 minutes to 1 hour per person who attend a woman’s labour. the distraction would not only pull me out of any zone I was in, but I actually reacted differently when attention wasn’t focused on me & my pain level augmented. how does a labouring woman experience pain when casual, unrelated conversation is going on? or conversation at all? Lori had to ask some people to leave on my behalf at one point, I was ready to loose it. one woman came in offering me codeine – again, relating to birth, I was okay with crying, okay with feeling pain, I didn’t want drugs to numb myself, I wasn’t looking to escape my experience! I was giving birth!! the best thing she could do was remove herself from my space.
there was another man in the room who was having a tattoo done about half way through mine. he mentioned he held his mom’s hand while she delivered his brother & that my expression of pain was assisting him through his own, as he wasn’t able to vocalize the way I’d been. it was sweet. i was later told several people had said it was the most beautiful tattoo they’d ever seen. it’s my power tattoo & it´s going on Abel’s wall of tattoos.
what is it? I knew I was to incorporate my native spirit name, “Silent Owl Messenger Woman”. I knew I wanted to transform the angel into something else. the tree has always held significance in my world, and better yet, the tree of life as that ties into the placenta. I wanted more than the owl though; I’ve had many constant creatures teach me or offer their wisdom along my way, being the butterfly, the snake & the spider. (the cat is another guide, Sheba still visits me in my dreams as recently as 2 weeks ago, but that will be a separate tattoo later on.) I also wanted more colour and layering to bring it all to life. the angel isn’t visible to those who didn’t know it’s prior existence, the tree of life has merged with her, the snake is coming up the trunk, a very specific butterfly is on the trunk, the Nasca spider (you’ll need to look it up online) is coming out from behind the tree, while the owl is in flight behind the tree, with one wing expanded visible between the branches. the blues of the cosmos join to the greens of the earth.
after I came home, I took a homeopathic remedy. I was shaking so much now that the adrenaline was wearing off. everyone wanted to talk to me or see it & all that was important to me was my needs, not satisfying the crowd. again, how I imagine birth to be. I was heavily dreaming that night: Makenna told me I visited her & quietly held out my hands to her. Whapio said she saw something flying in her dream, then realized it was human, then saw it was me; she said after I’d passed and she wanted me to return, that I did so to acknowledge her but that I had to continue on. Whapio understood in that moment that I was astral traveling. my own dream was of giving birth: I’ve had plenty of labour dreams, but this was different. I could feel the baby moving down the yoni canal, I wasn’t really needing to push, the head was now out & I reached down to feel it. I was alone & conscious of not tearing, but gave a gentle push so the body would also be born. a second baby was also coming, twins!
what a journey the past couple days have been.
it took 5 hours to fully receive. Lori kept saying things like “you don’t have to keep going, do you want a break, you’re so strong, I’m so proud of you” etc. she was my tattoo doula/photographer, & Abel was the tattoo midwife. he had been so patient with the designing of the tattoo, all the back and forth while Lori translated my vision, and finally 2 weeks later, it was exactly what I wanted. it only took me 10 years to get to this point :) !
in the beginning, I was breathing through the “pain”, moving my head and neck, bracing myself on the table, and managing alright. I was ready for this marking on my body; there was no other preparation I could’ve gone through. Aerina, Rose & Jaydee stopped in to watch and energetically support me, while the angel transformed. I was “between the worlds”.
I thought I had a high pain tolerance, but I’d never had shading done before – WOW!! that’s an entirely different kind of sting! after about the 4th hour, I couldn’t be with the pain, I couldn’t move through it or meld with it or zone it out or dissipate it. it was in my face. my head rested on Lori’s chest and I bawled (i have videos, lol). I was reaching my maximum pain threshold, but it wouldn’t hurt any less if I came back another day. someone asked me why I stuck it out & I said “that’s how I roll”… it’s true though. here I was, back to the holistic stages of labour, moving through them in a manner I’d never done before. I think the hike up the mountain had been preparing me for this tattoo. Abel felt horrible for “causing me so much physical pain” but I told him to push onward.
I’d been mostly unaware of who’d been passing through, until mundane conversation was happening around me and the pain intensity would ramp up; my cry, scream or swearing would escalate. through it all, I was observing myself with curiosity. wow, it’s probably so true, to add 30 minutes to 1 hour per person who attend a woman’s labour. the distraction would not only pull me out of any zone I was in, but I actually reacted differently when attention wasn’t focused on me & my pain level augmented. how does a labouring woman experience pain when casual, unrelated conversation is going on? or conversation at all? Lori had to ask some people to leave on my behalf at one point, I was ready to loose it. one woman came in offering me codeine – again, relating to birth, I was okay with crying, okay with feeling pain, I didn’t want drugs to numb myself, I wasn’t looking to escape my experience! I was giving birth!! the best thing she could do was remove herself from my space.
there was another man in the room who was having a tattoo done about half way through mine. he mentioned he held his mom’s hand while she delivered his brother & that my expression of pain was assisting him through his own, as he wasn’t able to vocalize the way I’d been. it was sweet. i was later told several people had said it was the most beautiful tattoo they’d ever seen. it’s my power tattoo & it´s going on Abel’s wall of tattoos.
what is it? I knew I was to incorporate my native spirit name, “Silent Owl Messenger Woman”. I knew I wanted to transform the angel into something else. the tree has always held significance in my world, and better yet, the tree of life as that ties into the placenta. I wanted more than the owl though; I’ve had many constant creatures teach me or offer their wisdom along my way, being the butterfly, the snake & the spider. (the cat is another guide, Sheba still visits me in my dreams as recently as 2 weeks ago, but that will be a separate tattoo later on.) I also wanted more colour and layering to bring it all to life. the angel isn’t visible to those who didn’t know it’s prior existence, the tree of life has merged with her, the snake is coming up the trunk, a very specific butterfly is on the trunk, the Nasca spider (you’ll need to look it up online) is coming out from behind the tree, while the owl is in flight behind the tree, with one wing expanded visible between the branches. the blues of the cosmos join to the greens of the earth.
after I came home, I took a homeopathic remedy. I was shaking so much now that the adrenaline was wearing off. everyone wanted to talk to me or see it & all that was important to me was my needs, not satisfying the crowd. again, how I imagine birth to be. I was heavily dreaming that night: Makenna told me I visited her & quietly held out my hands to her. Whapio said she saw something flying in her dream, then realized it was human, then saw it was me; she said after I’d passed and she wanted me to return, that I did so to acknowledge her but that I had to continue on. Whapio understood in that moment that I was astral traveling. my own dream was of giving birth: I’ve had plenty of labour dreams, but this was different. I could feel the baby moving down the yoni canal, I wasn’t really needing to push, the head was now out & I reached down to feel it. I was alone & conscious of not tearing, but gave a gentle push so the body would also be born. a second baby was also coming, twins!
what a journey the past couple days have been.
don´t cry over spilt water (it´s all spilt water in the grand scheme of things)
Jan. 26/09
not everyone wants everything to go smoothly. my microcosm was watching Rose attempting to pour a 20 liter water bottle into a 1.5 liter bottle. when it began to spill she then thought resting the giant bottle’s weight onto the smaller one was a better idea, so she could aim better. of course since it couldn’t support the weight, it fell over, knocking over Liz’s aromatherapy bottles too. after that she put the large bottle to her lips, cradled it’s weight on her knees and began to sip what rushed in her mouth. Rose sat the bottle down laughingly, stating how much fun the experience was. the silent owl in me knew what her results would be prior to they unfolded; the silent owl watched the moon in her. the owl shook her head at the spacey moon. she was completely fine with what transpired. I saw flaw & therefore failure. but not everyone requires flow in their actions to have success. not everyone thinks something through or tries to cover all bases before stepping into action.
Rose certainly teaches me that; she’ll come to class without a pen, think about picking up her laundry without the pick-up slip and use everyone else’s stuff, not procuring her own. I see her as flaky & tie it to being a non-prepared midwife with an empty birth bag, in the grand scheme of things. but why is being organized any better? maybe she’ll bring something to a birth that is innate, unprocurable. we’ve been studying Egyptian medical astrology, learning what a person’s base planet influence is, since the planets are said to “influence” us more than a constellation. beyond that, there are phases or cycles in life we all go through. the first 7 years of life for everyone is the “moon cycle”; kids are spaced out, in their own world, unconstrained. this makes sense when you see an adult asking a child, who’s far out in a theda brain wave, to step into the beta wave & be “present” in the everyday world, and how frustrated the adult can become. learning that Rose has moon as her base planet, has allowed me to have some compassion, lol. besides, I take me too seriously sometimes. I look forward to looking at your chart when I’m back, all I need is your date & time of birth – it’s fun.
I’ve been noticing some of my traits, which are perfect for birth: being really comfortable in other people’s homes, having no hesitation to roam their cupboards if I need something, being able to “go with the flow”, being unattached to “time”, being organized, having patience, being familiar with a wide scope of emotions and being able to change my mind regularly; simple little things. I know I can frustrate others with such characteristics sometimes, but it’s totally aligned with being a midwife.
what a strange week…many “plans” fell through or were super hazy to even come together. Isabel’s is closed until February as the clinic is moving to a new location. I’ve been sick on & off and have missed a couple night shifts at the hospital, not wanting to infect anyone. the showers have been outputting unfriendly cold water and after the weekend I really needed some hot cleansing, so I headed to the local sauna. Rose, Aerina & I massaged each other, I applied some raw salt to my body then soaked up the heat. afterwards, I was so heated up, I had mostly a luke-warm shower – funny what i choose when all choices are available! but it was great showering with good water pressure. there is no heating in Peru, let alone hot water. the few showers the house has with heated water only heats a tiny bit via a coil above your head and the one time I touched the canister it passes through, my hand violently retracted after feeling the electrical current flowing. But i´m sure it´s safe, lol.
getting to the weekend, I knew I was heading to Q’oya to hang out with Lori and explore Pisac again. there had been talk about doing another San Pedro ceremony in the mountain this time, since San Pedro is best explored in nature. I’d been a yes and a no, all over the place, then thought staying open would be easier so I could choose my choice when I chose it! this trip so far has been all about letting go, which essentially also represents birth.
Lori & I were both a “no” to doing ceremony and decided to part from the group to head to Casa de Milagros (Home of Miracles, an orphanage created by a woman named Mama Kia, who’s grandson came to her in a dream after he passed away, telling her to create an orphanage). Kate & Claire would later join us, while the rest of the group was awaiting Abel to arrive to begin ceremony at his good friend’s home, Tareo. we weren’t even 5 minutes from the plaza in Q’oya when a man with his young daughter, stopped us to talk. this is really common in Peru, as someone always has something to sell, but his arms were empty. we were on a mission to leave and it became funny how much we were being side-tracked, now here was another situation. Lori’s Spanish is fairly fluent so she explained we were heading to the Casa; he replied it was only a short walk past his house and that he’d show us the road to walk. the man then mentioned something about his home shop where he makes djembes and didgeridoos, then we asked if he knew Abel, to which he replied “Cusco tattooa?” Abel also makes didgeridoos & is his “comrade”. before I knew it, I was laughing inside, as this man was Tareo! Q’oya is a small town, but come on!! this was just ridiculous! Tareo explained he felt drawn to stop us not knowing why and said “you could’ve been crazy women” but instinct over-road logic.
we walked back to his casa, met his son, pregnant wife, the 2 dogs, 1 kitten and other family members. he brought us into his large barn-like shop, the earthen floor strewn with wood chips and a hammock that could easily observe the outside. he pulled out 2 bottles of fresh San Pedro, resembling a thick green cacti smoothie. he unscrewed the lid, the gases released and it began to ooze out the top. he scooped some on his finger then applied to our foreheads, took an eagle feather to gently smear the goop and bring it down along our faces, then he lit the Palo Santo (type of wood burned for smudging) and told us to blow on it three times. Tareo explained we were to feel into the medicine and it would tell us if we were to drink or simply to pass this time. about 20 minutes slipped by and although I was a definite yes, I wanted to respect Lori’s plans, so again I stayed open to going either way, wanting her to make the choice. I’ve been witnessing how powerful my choices are when made; I didn’t want to influence her so I kept my internal vibe quiet. he read the markings on our foreheads and said we were to drink. Lori asked how he could read it; he made a “phish” noise, then said he’d been working with the plant for 22 years, learnt from his uncle & that it’s been in his lineage for a very long time.
at one point Lori said to me “I really need your help with this” but when I went to lay out all the options possible, I could only come up with one, which was all inclusive. the choice was extremely clear by now – yes, we would drink. Tareo left to pick up fire wood and we headed back to the plaza to fetch the women, unfortunately it was now dark and the women were gone. Abel was hours late by this point, although we’d heard he was on route. after looking around a bit for the group, we trusted they’d find their way and sure enough when we arrived back at Tareo’s home, everyone was gathered around the burning fire. we departed shortly after that backpacks on, firewood in arms, while some held flashlights lighting the way for those who had none.
not everyone wants everything to go smoothly. my microcosm was watching Rose attempting to pour a 20 liter water bottle into a 1.5 liter bottle. when it began to spill she then thought resting the giant bottle’s weight onto the smaller one was a better idea, so she could aim better. of course since it couldn’t support the weight, it fell over, knocking over Liz’s aromatherapy bottles too. after that she put the large bottle to her lips, cradled it’s weight on her knees and began to sip what rushed in her mouth. Rose sat the bottle down laughingly, stating how much fun the experience was. the silent owl in me knew what her results would be prior to they unfolded; the silent owl watched the moon in her. the owl shook her head at the spacey moon. she was completely fine with what transpired. I saw flaw & therefore failure. but not everyone requires flow in their actions to have success. not everyone thinks something through or tries to cover all bases before stepping into action.
Rose certainly teaches me that; she’ll come to class without a pen, think about picking up her laundry without the pick-up slip and use everyone else’s stuff, not procuring her own. I see her as flaky & tie it to being a non-prepared midwife with an empty birth bag, in the grand scheme of things. but why is being organized any better? maybe she’ll bring something to a birth that is innate, unprocurable. we’ve been studying Egyptian medical astrology, learning what a person’s base planet influence is, since the planets are said to “influence” us more than a constellation. beyond that, there are phases or cycles in life we all go through. the first 7 years of life for everyone is the “moon cycle”; kids are spaced out, in their own world, unconstrained. this makes sense when you see an adult asking a child, who’s far out in a theda brain wave, to step into the beta wave & be “present” in the everyday world, and how frustrated the adult can become. learning that Rose has moon as her base planet, has allowed me to have some compassion, lol. besides, I take me too seriously sometimes. I look forward to looking at your chart when I’m back, all I need is your date & time of birth – it’s fun.
I’ve been noticing some of my traits, which are perfect for birth: being really comfortable in other people’s homes, having no hesitation to roam their cupboards if I need something, being able to “go with the flow”, being unattached to “time”, being organized, having patience, being familiar with a wide scope of emotions and being able to change my mind regularly; simple little things. I know I can frustrate others with such characteristics sometimes, but it’s totally aligned with being a midwife.
what a strange week…many “plans” fell through or were super hazy to even come together. Isabel’s is closed until February as the clinic is moving to a new location. I’ve been sick on & off and have missed a couple night shifts at the hospital, not wanting to infect anyone. the showers have been outputting unfriendly cold water and after the weekend I really needed some hot cleansing, so I headed to the local sauna. Rose, Aerina & I massaged each other, I applied some raw salt to my body then soaked up the heat. afterwards, I was so heated up, I had mostly a luke-warm shower – funny what i choose when all choices are available! but it was great showering with good water pressure. there is no heating in Peru, let alone hot water. the few showers the house has with heated water only heats a tiny bit via a coil above your head and the one time I touched the canister it passes through, my hand violently retracted after feeling the electrical current flowing. But i´m sure it´s safe, lol.
getting to the weekend, I knew I was heading to Q’oya to hang out with Lori and explore Pisac again. there had been talk about doing another San Pedro ceremony in the mountain this time, since San Pedro is best explored in nature. I’d been a yes and a no, all over the place, then thought staying open would be easier so I could choose my choice when I chose it! this trip so far has been all about letting go, which essentially also represents birth.
Lori & I were both a “no” to doing ceremony and decided to part from the group to head to Casa de Milagros (Home of Miracles, an orphanage created by a woman named Mama Kia, who’s grandson came to her in a dream after he passed away, telling her to create an orphanage). Kate & Claire would later join us, while the rest of the group was awaiting Abel to arrive to begin ceremony at his good friend’s home, Tareo. we weren’t even 5 minutes from the plaza in Q’oya when a man with his young daughter, stopped us to talk. this is really common in Peru, as someone always has something to sell, but his arms were empty. we were on a mission to leave and it became funny how much we were being side-tracked, now here was another situation. Lori’s Spanish is fairly fluent so she explained we were heading to the Casa; he replied it was only a short walk past his house and that he’d show us the road to walk. the man then mentioned something about his home shop where he makes djembes and didgeridoos, then we asked if he knew Abel, to which he replied “Cusco tattooa?” Abel also makes didgeridoos & is his “comrade”. before I knew it, I was laughing inside, as this man was Tareo! Q’oya is a small town, but come on!! this was just ridiculous! Tareo explained he felt drawn to stop us not knowing why and said “you could’ve been crazy women” but instinct over-road logic.
we walked back to his casa, met his son, pregnant wife, the 2 dogs, 1 kitten and other family members. he brought us into his large barn-like shop, the earthen floor strewn with wood chips and a hammock that could easily observe the outside. he pulled out 2 bottles of fresh San Pedro, resembling a thick green cacti smoothie. he unscrewed the lid, the gases released and it began to ooze out the top. he scooped some on his finger then applied to our foreheads, took an eagle feather to gently smear the goop and bring it down along our faces, then he lit the Palo Santo (type of wood burned for smudging) and told us to blow on it three times. Tareo explained we were to feel into the medicine and it would tell us if we were to drink or simply to pass this time. about 20 minutes slipped by and although I was a definite yes, I wanted to respect Lori’s plans, so again I stayed open to going either way, wanting her to make the choice. I’ve been witnessing how powerful my choices are when made; I didn’t want to influence her so I kept my internal vibe quiet. he read the markings on our foreheads and said we were to drink. Lori asked how he could read it; he made a “phish” noise, then said he’d been working with the plant for 22 years, learnt from his uncle & that it’s been in his lineage for a very long time.
at one point Lori said to me “I really need your help with this” but when I went to lay out all the options possible, I could only come up with one, which was all inclusive. the choice was extremely clear by now – yes, we would drink. Tareo left to pick up fire wood and we headed back to the plaza to fetch the women, unfortunately it was now dark and the women were gone. Abel was hours late by this point, although we’d heard he was on route. after looking around a bit for the group, we trusted they’d find their way and sure enough when we arrived back at Tareo’s home, everyone was gathered around the burning fire. we departed shortly after that backpacks on, firewood in arms, while some held flashlights lighting the way for those who had none.
our track was easy enough while we traversed part of town, though we soon arrived at the mouth of the trail, our feet met the rocks and upward we went. our core muscles kicked in since our arms were otherwise occupied with wood & light, certainly unavailable to grab hold of a branch or rock for support if necessary. we were told it wasn’t too far, I remember hearing ½ hour. keep in mind it’s easy to get winded from the altitude by climbing a simple set of stairs, so we took many breaks, especially when the group continually separated. all I could do was focus on my footing & breathing regularly. I kept hearing “just a bit more, 5 more minutes, ½ hour more”.
after about an hour, my internal resistance was really building, I was resentful, pissed off, super annoyed: this was not what I had intended! there was no place to stop and say “I’m staying here, see you in the morning” or “I’m going back down” when I had no idea where down was, so we had to stick together. (I found out later this was a different location than our class had originally intended on visiting before and that Abel had never been here, so he hadn’t known what to expect either.) I began vocalizing my frustration, I felt the victim arise, who I’d not seen in quite a while.
we finally reached a plateau, my arms let go of everything they’d been carrying, I peeled my back pack off my sweaty back, changed clothes so I’d be dry and piled on the layers to skip becoming chilled. Tareo & Abel lit candles, prepared the San Pedro, began offerings to Pachamama, to each other and the group. they poured a small cup for each of us, one by one; the cup was offered by two hands & we were to receive it by two hands, then drink in one continuous motion to respect the plant. the djembes were warming up along with the flute and didjeridoo. after everyone drank, we all took ½ to 1 full cup more since the 1st offering had been small. 30 minutes passed and the fire hadn’t been started yet. the men were concerned of the nearby cliff & stated it wasn’t safe for people to be journeying on their own and that we needed to move…an hour higher up.
I unlayered, we packed up and continued hiking straight up the mountain. though my anger within increased a simultaneous shift was occurring. thoughts began to flow: “what would choose to grow up here?” I asked with complete discontent to myself, “plants & cacti grow up here, unconflicted even! you too are choosing to grow on this mountain.” okay, well what could I say to that? but I wasn’t done hearing myself bitch. a conversation I’d had in the fall with mom & dad popped into my head: mom told me they were happy with the place they’re at in life, they didn’t require me to push them to grow in any way and were quite self-sufficient. wow, of course they are!! I get so excited for my own life, that I often project my seemingly “right actions” onto many around me – that must be a challenge to be around! (lol) then I wondered, at what point did mom choose her boundary and comfort zone? maybe she’s still growing in her own way, a way that’s not in everyone’s face, but is there a point where someone says “I’m done, this is as far as I’ll go”? and if so, is that wrong, because I’ve certainly judged that action.
the rest of the way up, i was battling my internal voice that said “this is ludicrous, I need to stop, no one should hike after just taken San Pedro, i’m going to throw up, I’m being pushed too far or this is beyond my physical limits.” where was my limit? do I even have one? because despite the complaining, I wasn’t stopping. the victim was duking it out with the obstinate within, and neither are “who I am”. so quit the b.s. and show me my true boundary!! I never found it, really. any boundary is only self-limitation and doesn’t truly exist. I was only verbalizing that which I’ve been battling for a while: the element of me that “must be heard” and validated by my external.
it was all tying into birth & midwifery. i kept thinking about the holistic stages of labour:
- embarking: preparing for the journey, she’s excited, anxious, chatty
- entering the veil: giving herself to the journey, holding space to climb the “mountain”
- between the worlds: finding her own rhythm, focused on her inward world, making sounds, toning
- transition: see the mountain top & say “I can’t do it”, thoughts like “I’m done” become so tangible
- quiescence: peace, stillness, deep calm, huge download of information; fully dilated, however she won’t naturally push here, that would be like running back down the mountain after she’d just gotten up!
- the birthing tides: a contraction brings her back to “reality”, she’s galvanized
- the breakers: pushing is NOT managed, she pushes how her body feels, the pressure & torque required are intrinsic to her
I’d been going through the stages as I hiked upward. how do I even know 100% what I need for me? the mountain knew & it was dishing it! how humbling…
as soon as we reached the next plateau, Lori explained to Tareo that the women needed to STOP!! he finally agreed. a man’s journey is so very different from a woman’s. Tareo’s expectation was way different from mine. I wasn’t looking to hike for days, I don’t “need” to climb a mountain all night long in the pitch black – I would’ve been happy back at his house, nesting, lol. I dropped to the ground to catch my breath & reapply my layers of clothing.
then something I couldn’t translate occurred: Tareo kindly came around to each of us to check in with where we were at. when he kneeled beside me & placed his compassionate hand on my knee & asked if I was well, I felt an opening in my heart to let go. I began sobbing hard. (it reminded me of doing the 60km walk for breast cancer, where I broke down at the end.) he put his hands on my head & started repeating “tranquila” like they do at the hospitals. wow, that’s the wrong thing to say to any emotional female, lol. Lori rushed over to me & began translating to him that the hike was too much and I’d not wanted to continue. I was now maxing out. she was mistranslating me & he was telling me to calm down. I yelled “back-off, I need space” and they withdrew. Lori came over a while later to sit beside me while I cried. this was one confirming reason in my opinion why men should not deliver babies: they can’t be with the intensity of women’s emotions. I also saw that knowing the language didn’t equate knowing someone’s thoughts. How many times had I filled in someone’s words, assumingly? I was upset because I saw I was holding onto my position of having limitations – when was I going to finally let go of that? I’m 30, how much more time was I going to waste?
Lori was hustling the men to get their act together. they were chatting, setting up tents, and goofing around. she said “the women need you! get a fire going, start the music, stop the mindless chattering!” but men like direction, right? the men’s “midwifing” was showing weakness. after I emotionally cooled off, I moved closer to the fire. The music was going & now Tareo was barking at us all to dance, “bailar, bailar!” give it a rest! I darted him a look & firmly said “tu bailas if you want to dance, but I’m sitting here”. Grrr… again, it came back to men delivering babies – no wonder they jump to c-sections so quickly, the patience of unfoldment was lacking. Of course I’m generalizing, but you catch my drift. The fire took hours to get going, we were all attempting to keep warm, it just wasn’t a dancing night. His attempt certainly wasn’t inspiring to any of us.
It seemed to be the longest night of my life & I’d never felt so far from Vancouver. I was several flights away, not even in Cusco, but an hour bus ride away, past Pisac, in Q’oya, up a mountain a few hours, where no vehicle could travel. I could almost touch the stars, it was so beautiful, but I couldn’t stay present or go as deep as I’d anticipated. I was laying down & Carlos tripped over me, landing straight on his face. There was a sketchiness with some of the guys. They were wandering around, Carlos seemed unsafe to himself, people were standing tall compared to my ground view, carelessly pointed flashlights continuously landed in my eyes…I really wanted the night to be over. I saw my desire to sleep couldn’t even be satisfied since I was “night-watching”, protecting my personal space and choosing my state of internal unrest. It wasn’t a complete waste, of course I was fine (I always am!) & some light bulb moments had been triggered, but i was lacking the satisfaction of coming away with revelations. I believe there had been more waiting for me to tap into during that event. But that’s my addiction in life: the constant seeking of growth, to go deep, to never cease expanding and to believe if I cover more in one moment, the next will unfold something new. where’s my mastery & refinement in that? perhaps the thing that had truly been missing was my ability to elevate my experience.
The light in the sky finally began to shift, the dawn was coming & it would be my 1st sunrise in Peru. I felt the heaviness within lift, I could leave in a few hours. when the light infiltrated more, I found out we were only a 3 minute walk from Tareo’s uncle’s home. our camp was fairly surrounded by homes actually (considering we were in the middle of the Andes), animals were feeding and dogs could be heard barking up in the hills. The view was amazing!!! I giggled and thought, “I doubt my bitching would’ve gone on so long had I been able to see where I was.”
Kate, Carl & Brook headed down the mountain around 8am while Claire & I followed shortly after. Lori & Max were still coming around and the rest were at “uncle’s” for breakfast and more ingesting of San Pedro. of course it only took an hour & a half for Claire and I to descend. the morning sun was chasing us down & we were grateful to have left when we did as things were heating up quickly. I stopped for the occasion photo & video clip, to remove a layer here or there, to fend off the seemingly innocent children with slingshot in hand, to say morning to the farm animals, then traverse a corn field & hop an earthen fence. we dropped blankets off at Tareo’s home, I said my goodbyes to the sweet kitten I’d cuddled with the night before & would never see again.
we caught the bus back to Pisac for one sole then booked it to the market for fresh fruit. it was only 10:30am & I knew Lori wouldn’t arrive in Pisac until about 12pm. I chilled in our café, almost passing out, sunglasses on (Peruvians sell sunglasses but no one wears them) until she arrived. there was no way I was able to stick to our original plan of me spending the day with her as I was too exhausted, but Jaydee was willing. Zuki, Rose & Aerina (who’d stayed at Brittany’s in Q’oya) and I took a crazy bus ride back to Cusco, where the bus driver took the corners too quickly and the people were telling him to slow down (which does nothing much for machismo). I’m grateful for my life every time I step out of a vehicle here! you’d think the buses would go slower than the taxis, but they don’t always, in fact they’ll pass another bus on a blind corner. it’s loco. memories of dad driving fast & mom’s foot automatically pressing for a phantom brake in the passenger seat pop into my mind. I’m desperate to visit Machu Pichu, but a tad freaked out about the ride there. Carl apparently researched the stats on bus company injuries & fatalities and now only buys tickets from them. I’ll have to acquire that info before taking off the last week.
while heading to the sauna, the day’s finale was toped by the cab ride into town. I sat in the passenger seat & conversed in Spanish with the taxi driver. he asked me if I had a family: when I responded no children yet, but “un esposo” (direct translation = 1 husband) we both cracked up laughing. I pushed on, still in Spanish, saying “you know how it is in Canada, we have multiple husbands”…we didn’t stop laughing until he dropped us off. I slept for 14 hours that night.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
a happy ending from my last post...
Jan 19/09
well, the smell in our room was becoming intolerable & this evening the exterminator came to check out the attic. Rose called it – dead animal smell! (I’m reminded of Cornelius, Hannah’s cat, graciously bringing her a dead animal and leaving it under her bed to discover.) there were 2 dead rats in the crawl space, most likely the ones we heard the 1st week when the rain was coming down hard. apparently this house had been abandoned for some time prior to us moving in and rodents had taken over, lol. wow, Arun & Christina must have had a lot of work to do in preparing.
practical skills class today was a continuation, covering maternal & fetal complications; the topic was weighing on me, maybe Sunday’s delivery is just way different than Whapio’s. after that it was a brief class on the release of DMT in the brain (naturally & through plant medicine) and altered states; tomorrow morning we start with Egyptian Alchemy & Medical Astrology. learning about Egypt in Peru is music to my ears! maybe Egypt will be next…
tonight I finally attended my first hospital shift. Belen Pampa’s delivery room is still delayed, the head nurse told Kai, until February! so I’ve jumped onto Hospital Regional de Cusco, which is on our street, Avenue de la Cultura and within walking distance. I went with Emily & Kate for a 7pm start. there wasn’t much happening in maternity/postpartum, so we walked over to the “normal” delivery dept. a woman was about to push her baby out and we hung by the doorway instead of bombarding her with 3 new faces. Kate stayed close to this Quechua woman, who was having her 3rd child, while she was being cleaned up. Emily & I went with the newborn 3.45kg nino (boy) – I’d seen plenty of newborn exams as a doula, but had never really paid close attention to what they were doing. it turned out to be the usual hospital deal: vitamin K injection to the leg, erythromycin ointment in the eyes, baby’s weight/length/head circumference, rubbing off all the vernex/amniotic fluid, and then suctioning – now this part was really messed up! the baby’s Apgar score was great & this was probably at 4 minutes; vigorous, pink, great tone, loud cry, etc, NO NEED to suction! the nurse shoved a long thin plastic tube down past the crying baby’s mouth, to suction out what??? any fluid that came up was completely clear! there was no meconium at all on baby when he came out! it was SO assaulting, I nearly fainted. I wondered what they would do to me if I fainted…I pulled my energy in close to stay centered. “welcome to the world: bright lights, being handled, taken away from mom, a shot in the leg, eyes pulled open to apply blurring gel, stretched out straight after spending 9+ months curled up like a ball, then a tube shoved into both orifices to be suctioned.” all I could do was focus on the baby with love.
afterwards, we wandered back to maternity though not much was going on. we sat down to go over our Spanish when some nurses came along asking why we weren’t working; we’d perused some rooms but mostly all were asleep. we found a postpartum woman who was awake & I began doing my best to understand and translate for Kate & Em. her & her husband own a hostel, she spoke minimal English being in tourism and she asked if we’d visited Machu Pichu yet. Ayde had delivered via c-section & was heading home tomorrow.
then a Spanish woman was being wheeled down the hall to the OR. this petite Peruvian woman was Josefina Segundo, her baby was in a transverse lie, and “required” an emergency c-section. what defines emergency?? would the baby stay inside forever if we did nothing?? I’m having such déjà-vu right now. the nurse stopped in the hall, asked if we spoke Spanish, and explained there were 2 c-sections that would be occurring and only 1 of us could attend.
I introduced myself to the “patient” laying below me on the gurney. shortly after a male “medico” came by and said we could all attend. I was so thankful I wouldn’t be attending alone since I’d not fully recuperated from 10 minutes ago. i threw on green OR scrubs overtop of my maroon ones, my reusable green booties, hair cap and face mask. I scrubbed my hands to elbow, dried off then headed into the OR. Josefina was already prepped and the medico was explaining what was going on. he watched her vitals, kept her fluids full, administered antibiotics and oxytocin. she’d had an epidural a while ago, perhaps it wasn’t topped off properly, (what combo of drugs is used here??) but she could feel “dolor”, pain. the baby was pulled out feet first and was covered in meconium: thick, dark, tar-like poo, usually a sign of fetal distress when the sphincters are lacking tone and pressure on the baby’s body pushes it out. I’d never seen a baby so floppy and limp. Emily and I followed the baby while Kate stayed with mom. the baby girl wasn’t moving, I softly spoke to the baby asking her to come into her body, to breathe. a soft cry emerged, her irregular breathing was labored and her bellybutton was shaking. she was being suctioned for meconium in the lungs and dried off. we relayed to mom the baby was okay and that she was a nina! the women aren’t communicated to really, during this process.
I watched as they sutured Josefina up, her uterus hanging out of her body while they inspected to ensure everything was lining up and complete. oh, and cauterizing? well, the smell of burning flesh is something I can do without. I wondered what it’d be like if I were laying there with my guts open while H was at my head talking with me and simultaneously able to see the science of my body ripped open. the suturing was really well done, the doctor was super calm and focused. mom was asking me something but I couldn’t understand. she passed out, her BP was down to 84/45, her pulse was 76. the nurse began oxygen, her vitals slowly picked up and she came back around. when finished, she’d be moved to recovery before being moved back upstairs to postpartum.
the 2nd c/section was already being started next door, it was also an “emergency” and I could see the woman being given an epidural. Ana Maria Valencia’s baby was also in a transverse lie, she was overweight (an excuse they use sometimes to section) and apparently wasn’t coping well. she too cried out when they were cutting her belly open and pulling her baby boy out. this nino had some meconium on his body, but not like the first baby and he cried right away. after seeing baby was fine, I walked back over to Ana Maria to tell her it was a boy. she was passing in and out, I stood beside her and held her hand so she'd know she wasn't alone - she gave a squeeze back.
Emily wanted to leave after that; it was only 9:30pm and we’d seen 3 deliveries! I definitely needed to sit down. I roamed the halls checking in on all the rooms, asked some women if they needed assistance but everyone was doing well. Kate was off with someone who was in labour. the nurse who’d asked us to attend the c/sections brought me downstairs to the recovery room so we could bring Josefina to the postpartum area. I tried helping her transfer from one stretcher to the other. it’s crazy that after having major abdominal surgery, these women aren’t lifted off one and onto the other gurney. they all have to wiggle themselves over with not much assistance, while everyone watches! only when I said “she’s in pain” did anyone sort of begin to help. we wheeled her up to her room and again, another transfer, now from the gurney into her bed. she had to take off the hospital gown and put on her own clothes she brought. she was still bleeding a bit, we tucked in her blankets, set up her IV pole and the nurse left. I asked if she needed anything, she was cold, so I pulled the blankets up to her neck, pulled the blanket close to her feet and turned her light off. she was in a room with 5 other women. the nurses would come in loudly while others tried to sleep, and would blast the overhead lights on. I took on light patrol and the closing of doors to avoid the hallway noise.
just as I was about to leave the room, another woman asked me over. “?es una amiga de Makenna?” she spoke softly. it was Maria Elena, the woman who Makenna had been with yet wasn’t permitted to attend her c/section. I introduced myself, told her our class had heard about what had happened and began tearing up. I felt so honoured to meet her! I hung out chatting with her in my broken Spanish for a ½ hr, then she wrote Makenna a note with her phone & email info. Makenna has been deemed the child's godparent!! Maria Elena was being discharged tomorrow. while she wrote the note, the woman beside her woke up. she didn’t need anything, but I gently rubbed her back until she fell asleep. what a gift the night was.
i used to say i wanted to cover the entire scope of practice: from abortion to c-section. i think i'll leave c-sections to the surgeons.
well, the smell in our room was becoming intolerable & this evening the exterminator came to check out the attic. Rose called it – dead animal smell! (I’m reminded of Cornelius, Hannah’s cat, graciously bringing her a dead animal and leaving it under her bed to discover.) there were 2 dead rats in the crawl space, most likely the ones we heard the 1st week when the rain was coming down hard. apparently this house had been abandoned for some time prior to us moving in and rodents had taken over, lol. wow, Arun & Christina must have had a lot of work to do in preparing.
practical skills class today was a continuation, covering maternal & fetal complications; the topic was weighing on me, maybe Sunday’s delivery is just way different than Whapio’s. after that it was a brief class on the release of DMT in the brain (naturally & through plant medicine) and altered states; tomorrow morning we start with Egyptian Alchemy & Medical Astrology. learning about Egypt in Peru is music to my ears! maybe Egypt will be next…
tonight I finally attended my first hospital shift. Belen Pampa’s delivery room is still delayed, the head nurse told Kai, until February! so I’ve jumped onto Hospital Regional de Cusco, which is on our street, Avenue de la Cultura and within walking distance. I went with Emily & Kate for a 7pm start. there wasn’t much happening in maternity/postpartum, so we walked over to the “normal” delivery dept. a woman was about to push her baby out and we hung by the doorway instead of bombarding her with 3 new faces. Kate stayed close to this Quechua woman, who was having her 3rd child, while she was being cleaned up. Emily & I went with the newborn 3.45kg nino (boy) – I’d seen plenty of newborn exams as a doula, but had never really paid close attention to what they were doing. it turned out to be the usual hospital deal: vitamin K injection to the leg, erythromycin ointment in the eyes, baby’s weight/length/head circumference, rubbing off all the vernex/amniotic fluid, and then suctioning – now this part was really messed up! the baby’s Apgar score was great & this was probably at 4 minutes; vigorous, pink, great tone, loud cry, etc, NO NEED to suction! the nurse shoved a long thin plastic tube down past the crying baby’s mouth, to suction out what??? any fluid that came up was completely clear! there was no meconium at all on baby when he came out! it was SO assaulting, I nearly fainted. I wondered what they would do to me if I fainted…I pulled my energy in close to stay centered. “welcome to the world: bright lights, being handled, taken away from mom, a shot in the leg, eyes pulled open to apply blurring gel, stretched out straight after spending 9+ months curled up like a ball, then a tube shoved into both orifices to be suctioned.” all I could do was focus on the baby with love.
afterwards, we wandered back to maternity though not much was going on. we sat down to go over our Spanish when some nurses came along asking why we weren’t working; we’d perused some rooms but mostly all were asleep. we found a postpartum woman who was awake & I began doing my best to understand and translate for Kate & Em. her & her husband own a hostel, she spoke minimal English being in tourism and she asked if we’d visited Machu Pichu yet. Ayde had delivered via c-section & was heading home tomorrow.
then a Spanish woman was being wheeled down the hall to the OR. this petite Peruvian woman was Josefina Segundo, her baby was in a transverse lie, and “required” an emergency c-section. what defines emergency?? would the baby stay inside forever if we did nothing?? I’m having such déjà-vu right now. the nurse stopped in the hall, asked if we spoke Spanish, and explained there were 2 c-sections that would be occurring and only 1 of us could attend.
I introduced myself to the “patient” laying below me on the gurney. shortly after a male “medico” came by and said we could all attend. I was so thankful I wouldn’t be attending alone since I’d not fully recuperated from 10 minutes ago. i threw on green OR scrubs overtop of my maroon ones, my reusable green booties, hair cap and face mask. I scrubbed my hands to elbow, dried off then headed into the OR. Josefina was already prepped and the medico was explaining what was going on. he watched her vitals, kept her fluids full, administered antibiotics and oxytocin. she’d had an epidural a while ago, perhaps it wasn’t topped off properly, (what combo of drugs is used here??) but she could feel “dolor”, pain. the baby was pulled out feet first and was covered in meconium: thick, dark, tar-like poo, usually a sign of fetal distress when the sphincters are lacking tone and pressure on the baby’s body pushes it out. I’d never seen a baby so floppy and limp. Emily and I followed the baby while Kate stayed with mom. the baby girl wasn’t moving, I softly spoke to the baby asking her to come into her body, to breathe. a soft cry emerged, her irregular breathing was labored and her bellybutton was shaking. she was being suctioned for meconium in the lungs and dried off. we relayed to mom the baby was okay and that she was a nina! the women aren’t communicated to really, during this process.
I watched as they sutured Josefina up, her uterus hanging out of her body while they inspected to ensure everything was lining up and complete. oh, and cauterizing? well, the smell of burning flesh is something I can do without. I wondered what it’d be like if I were laying there with my guts open while H was at my head talking with me and simultaneously able to see the science of my body ripped open. the suturing was really well done, the doctor was super calm and focused. mom was asking me something but I couldn’t understand. she passed out, her BP was down to 84/45, her pulse was 76. the nurse began oxygen, her vitals slowly picked up and she came back around. when finished, she’d be moved to recovery before being moved back upstairs to postpartum.
the 2nd c/section was already being started next door, it was also an “emergency” and I could see the woman being given an epidural. Ana Maria Valencia’s baby was also in a transverse lie, she was overweight (an excuse they use sometimes to section) and apparently wasn’t coping well. she too cried out when they were cutting her belly open and pulling her baby boy out. this nino had some meconium on his body, but not like the first baby and he cried right away. after seeing baby was fine, I walked back over to Ana Maria to tell her it was a boy. she was passing in and out, I stood beside her and held her hand so she'd know she wasn't alone - she gave a squeeze back.
Emily wanted to leave after that; it was only 9:30pm and we’d seen 3 deliveries! I definitely needed to sit down. I roamed the halls checking in on all the rooms, asked some women if they needed assistance but everyone was doing well. Kate was off with someone who was in labour. the nurse who’d asked us to attend the c/sections brought me downstairs to the recovery room so we could bring Josefina to the postpartum area. I tried helping her transfer from one stretcher to the other. it’s crazy that after having major abdominal surgery, these women aren’t lifted off one and onto the other gurney. they all have to wiggle themselves over with not much assistance, while everyone watches! only when I said “she’s in pain” did anyone sort of begin to help. we wheeled her up to her room and again, another transfer, now from the gurney into her bed. she had to take off the hospital gown and put on her own clothes she brought. she was still bleeding a bit, we tucked in her blankets, set up her IV pole and the nurse left. I asked if she needed anything, she was cold, so I pulled the blankets up to her neck, pulled the blanket close to her feet and turned her light off. she was in a room with 5 other women. the nurses would come in loudly while others tried to sleep, and would blast the overhead lights on. I took on light patrol and the closing of doors to avoid the hallway noise.
just as I was about to leave the room, another woman asked me over. “?es una amiga de Makenna?” she spoke softly. it was Maria Elena, the woman who Makenna had been with yet wasn’t permitted to attend her c/section. I introduced myself, told her our class had heard about what had happened and began tearing up. I felt so honoured to meet her! I hung out chatting with her in my broken Spanish for a ½ hr, then she wrote Makenna a note with her phone & email info. Makenna has been deemed the child's godparent!! Maria Elena was being discharged tomorrow. while she wrote the note, the woman beside her woke up. she didn’t need anything, but I gently rubbed her back until she fell asleep. what a gift the night was.
i used to say i wanted to cover the entire scope of practice: from abortion to c-section. i think i'll leave c-sections to the surgeons.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
women, womb & wonder
Jan. 15/09
the bonds of women have no doubt been evident before the beginning of human existence, in the wild… no doubt i´m experiencing only a sample possibility of our potential together and I am blessed to have experienced so much variety and only continue to spin deeper into such relationships.
it’s no longer about commonality, why not or just because; i may engage with many, will choose compassion to understand all, but i have no interest in pushing further than that unless a deep love is unfolding.
when distance encroaches with one face, I am offered more to choose from. how can I be so full of good fortune? better asked, how do we not all recognize the everyday gift in front of our eyes? maybe everyone does, perhaps I’m simultaneously going deeper into the connections and being awakened on the surface in more daily moments than ever before.
Hannah has been around so long in my heart. we met at Douglas College in 2004 (? or 2003??) in January – oh, this is our anniversary!!! along with my b-day which just past, and hers which is fast approaching. we’ve witnessed a lot of shifts in each other’s lives, and came together at a pinnacle time. since day one, Hannah has been teaching me to look past people’s skin and into their heart – if they’re good, then listen, and if they’re not, look to see the good in them, because it’s there! she’s heartfelt, worldly enough to not be walked over, strong, courageous, and open. always up for a challenge, ready to engage while reflecting within. Hannah reminds me of my own inner strength! she’s my Kenyan touchstone.
Tamar recently came into my world by my following of an inner voice, telling me to quit my job. if I’d been in fear, I may not have met her, despite our common circles, since I was losing touch with the other possible linking threads. Tamar is a powerhouse bursting with love, beauty, song, imagination, creativity and spark! she’s such a gift to be around and a beautiful expression of the feminine! my Israeli touchstone.
Lori has also blessed me with her kindred spirit. I’m fascinated with the ease we share while together; she’s so nurturing just by “being” – I wonder if she’s aware of that? we’ve known each other less than a week, but that doesn’t stop time travel! she inspires my maternal side to ripen, my inquisitiveness to grow and all possibility & choice to flower! there is so much room and maturity, seriousness and play, weaving and tribe. my Peruvian home, mi hermosa, it’s been too long.
my life has been filled with women, all teachers. my life is rich with goddesses, all so unique. and I wonder if the abundance will ever cease? when I say “enough” more flows in, with such ease, how can I resist? I expand in unison. will I be 94, blissed out by so much feminine depth?!
we are all mirrors, looking upon each other through a variety of lenses, the way existence lives through so many eyes.
Jan. 16/09
it’s 11:11pm, I’m sitting in bed – Rose is at a homebirth with Sunday (a midwife here) and Liz is on a 12hr shift at the hospital. our room would be quiet if it weren’t for the thin walls and skylights, which allow the all night long construction to play itself out, along with the occasional hollering and “romantic Peruvian movie” style music. no by-laws or regulations here, lol.
the week has been full-on and alive! the clinica I’m volunteering at has been under renovations and of course, like every renovation I’ve ever heard of, is running behind. I’ll find out tomorrow (Sat) what the verdict is. it’s worked out well though, I’ve been able to attend a bunch of classes I’d not planned on, mostly review from the past year, and it’s amazing to see what i’m comfortable with and what still needs understanding.
Aerina & I traveled to an oby’s clinic today (obstetrician), named Isabel. she’s extremely nurturing; it shows in her eyes though I don’t understand a lot of what she speaks. she had 2 oby students working along side, who allowed Aerina & I to alternate with the prenatal appointments. we did blood pressure (I bought a cuff this week), pulse, checked for edema (swelling) in the legs, measured baby’s fundal height (from the pubic bone to the fundus, which is the top of the uterus – a shelf-like feeling), palpation (feeling baby’s position) and heart tones with a doppler. I’d like to practice doing heart tones with a stethoscope, toilet paper roll or pinard horn (beautiful double-sided flat horn made of wood – anyone have one to donate to me?), then be counting the heart beat, instead of using an electric hand-held device that calculates it for you.
Isabel is friends with Sunday and delivered her own baby only about one week ago. it’s a ministry clinica, meaning covered by the government, as the hospitals are as well, unlike the private clinics where once you get in, pay a monthly fee then are covered for everything. this ministry clinica hires Isabel on a 3 month contract, though she can be fired at any time. they threatened this, which is why she went back to work after 3 days postpartum! it’s almost inhumane compared to our cushy 1 year maternity or split paternity leave.
here the husband and family members aren’t permitted to attend the birth! being the protector of their loved one, no doubt they would battle the doctors if they witnessed the disrespect that goes on; routine episiotomies (cutting the perineum often to the anus), not allowing them to walk around or use gravity to labour or birth, being able to feel pain during the episiotomy suturing and during c-section!!! women have been reported to wiggle their feet and toes yet the doctors respond “what did you expect, birth is supposed to hurt”. pressure, sure, but not pain.
Brook & Makenna watched a couple c-sections one shift, where the doctor not only pulled out the woman’s uterus & ovaries, but her intestines as well. they described that the doctor just shoved everything in when it all refused to stay put. one of the women was asked out during surgery, people power trip and seem to have a total disconnect from the birthing women and they speak casually about their social lives, while a woman is going through her right of passage. women are continuously bothered and asked redundant questions, constantly being called back from the cosmos; their comfort, thoughts and feelings are of no concern.
a husband told them “please don’t leave my wife” upon entering the OR. and today, Makenna was refused to attend a woman’s c-section after spending 18hrs with her, only because the hospital was out of clean green OR scrubs; the woman cried out for Makenna, while she was wheeled down the hall. the grandma was waiting in the waiting room and had entrusted a small charm bracelet to place on the baby after being born. the nurse wouldn’t do it; such a small act. they snuff our nurturing as strange, because they’ve not witnessed it before. the grandma & Makenna cried together after she explained what had occurred. doulas aren’t ¨permitted¨ yet either (despite the law that was passed in Feb/06), so these women labour alone and they are so grateful for having us there. when Sunday is asked to give talks, they’re referred to as “giving birth humanely” whereas the hospital births are called “institutional birth”.
even when someone biologically knows one thing is better, the action is still disregarded and patterns & protocol run deep. don’t get me wrong, North America has their own protocols, (we’re addicted to taking heart tones & call everything fetal distress!) but maybe more families know their “rights” and that they have choice to say no. tonight, Isabelle (woman in class) attended her first birth…and she got to catch the baby! when they asked her to perform an episiotomy (which is done on all ¨primips¨/1st time moms in Cusco), the baby’s head was crowning and she tried stalling then eventually said it isn’t done in the USA. the nurse became nervous & did it anyway. Isabelle wouldn’t have done it even if she knew how… a lot of this feels violating, like a crime against the wisdom of birth. a couple of the clinics think we’re in between 3rd – 5th year oby students (lol) since midwifery although is totally legal, isn´t as highly regarded by the hospitals as obstetrics.
I’ve been contemplating privilege this week and how I can use my own. I’ve fantasized for years over opening a birth center, but it seems like too much red tape in Vancouver. being in the circle of so many powerful women right now, I know it’s possible to practice in a group while maintaining, sustaining and enhancing the purity of the creation. Whapio (my teacher) is so effective at bringing different women holding similar creation together. why would I struggle to achieve something somewhere (Vanc) when it could be manifested in another country? I’ll never forget Sarah (midwife at The Midwifery Group) sharing her internship in Mexico with me. her ability to stop one routing episiotomy in a day seemed to out weigh the pampering that was going on back home. after her return while in a prenatal appointment, the woman’s main concern was which stroller to purchase, with a price level range going up to $1000.00. where can a real difference be made & appreciated, in the grand scheme of things? while I ranted yesterday afternoon to Whapio, in her grace she replied “Angela, it’s already done, we’re just taking the steps”.
I AM READY!!!! I am ready to step out of protocols, to nurture women the way I know is possible, and to bypass the institutions. what is created out of doing so much genetic testing or fetal monitoring? Christina has been working with an 80-year-old midwife from the jungle; this woman has NEVER taken heart tones in her life. when Christina enquired further the woman responded “don’t you think we’d know if there was a problem with the baby?” it was so humbling. and out of Whapio´s 25 years of practicing midwifery, she has only had one true case of fetal distress that transferred to the hospital. Zuki has had none. why the hell do we routinely take fetal heart tones while a woman is pushing??
after class yesterday I noticed “cold” sensations coming on and today it’s full-blown. I also began my moon today, no cramps, though lots of emotion. I’ve been so strong the past 2 weeks, but tonight I felt so lonely. Brook was doing dishes in the kitchen as I helped myself to some water. I started sobbing; she gave me a big hug and held me tightly while I let it all out. I’d been tearing up all day and needed the release.
Jan. 17th/09
my love is enough… i am understanding the depth of this personal statement. I’m walking where I’ve never been before, I’m taking right action, being invisible, being a woman, containing my energy, being who I need to be for me without competition with any other woman. i don’t need the lesson of trust, honesty or being faithful; I’m no longer a female in her 20’s – I’ve witnessed the 30 years wise woman within!! i know my choice and with whom my heart is bestowed. the burden of unharnessed energy is no longer mine. I know where my sexual energy belongs and flaunting it about is not the grace of a woman’s way. she knows it exists, she feels it in every moment, needs no recognition from the exterior to qualify her quality; she can shine comfortably, invisibly, as the universe flows through her being.
the bonds of women have no doubt been evident before the beginning of human existence, in the wild… no doubt i´m experiencing only a sample possibility of our potential together and I am blessed to have experienced so much variety and only continue to spin deeper into such relationships.
it’s no longer about commonality, why not or just because; i may engage with many, will choose compassion to understand all, but i have no interest in pushing further than that unless a deep love is unfolding.
when distance encroaches with one face, I am offered more to choose from. how can I be so full of good fortune? better asked, how do we not all recognize the everyday gift in front of our eyes? maybe everyone does, perhaps I’m simultaneously going deeper into the connections and being awakened on the surface in more daily moments than ever before.
Hannah has been around so long in my heart. we met at Douglas College in 2004 (? or 2003??) in January – oh, this is our anniversary!!! along with my b-day which just past, and hers which is fast approaching. we’ve witnessed a lot of shifts in each other’s lives, and came together at a pinnacle time. since day one, Hannah has been teaching me to look past people’s skin and into their heart – if they’re good, then listen, and if they’re not, look to see the good in them, because it’s there! she’s heartfelt, worldly enough to not be walked over, strong, courageous, and open. always up for a challenge, ready to engage while reflecting within. Hannah reminds me of my own inner strength! she’s my Kenyan touchstone.
Tamar recently came into my world by my following of an inner voice, telling me to quit my job. if I’d been in fear, I may not have met her, despite our common circles, since I was losing touch with the other possible linking threads. Tamar is a powerhouse bursting with love, beauty, song, imagination, creativity and spark! she’s such a gift to be around and a beautiful expression of the feminine! my Israeli touchstone.
Lori has also blessed me with her kindred spirit. I’m fascinated with the ease we share while together; she’s so nurturing just by “being” – I wonder if she’s aware of that? we’ve known each other less than a week, but that doesn’t stop time travel! she inspires my maternal side to ripen, my inquisitiveness to grow and all possibility & choice to flower! there is so much room and maturity, seriousness and play, weaving and tribe. my Peruvian home, mi hermosa, it’s been too long.
my life has been filled with women, all teachers. my life is rich with goddesses, all so unique. and I wonder if the abundance will ever cease? when I say “enough” more flows in, with such ease, how can I resist? I expand in unison. will I be 94, blissed out by so much feminine depth?!
we are all mirrors, looking upon each other through a variety of lenses, the way existence lives through so many eyes.
Jan. 16/09
it’s 11:11pm, I’m sitting in bed – Rose is at a homebirth with Sunday (a midwife here) and Liz is on a 12hr shift at the hospital. our room would be quiet if it weren’t for the thin walls and skylights, which allow the all night long construction to play itself out, along with the occasional hollering and “romantic Peruvian movie” style music. no by-laws or regulations here, lol.
the week has been full-on and alive! the clinica I’m volunteering at has been under renovations and of course, like every renovation I’ve ever heard of, is running behind. I’ll find out tomorrow (Sat) what the verdict is. it’s worked out well though, I’ve been able to attend a bunch of classes I’d not planned on, mostly review from the past year, and it’s amazing to see what i’m comfortable with and what still needs understanding.
Aerina & I traveled to an oby’s clinic today (obstetrician), named Isabel. she’s extremely nurturing; it shows in her eyes though I don’t understand a lot of what she speaks. she had 2 oby students working along side, who allowed Aerina & I to alternate with the prenatal appointments. we did blood pressure (I bought a cuff this week), pulse, checked for edema (swelling) in the legs, measured baby’s fundal height (from the pubic bone to the fundus, which is the top of the uterus – a shelf-like feeling), palpation (feeling baby’s position) and heart tones with a doppler. I’d like to practice doing heart tones with a stethoscope, toilet paper roll or pinard horn (beautiful double-sided flat horn made of wood – anyone have one to donate to me?), then be counting the heart beat, instead of using an electric hand-held device that calculates it for you.
Isabel is friends with Sunday and delivered her own baby only about one week ago. it’s a ministry clinica, meaning covered by the government, as the hospitals are as well, unlike the private clinics where once you get in, pay a monthly fee then are covered for everything. this ministry clinica hires Isabel on a 3 month contract, though she can be fired at any time. they threatened this, which is why she went back to work after 3 days postpartum! it’s almost inhumane compared to our cushy 1 year maternity or split paternity leave.
here the husband and family members aren’t permitted to attend the birth! being the protector of their loved one, no doubt they would battle the doctors if they witnessed the disrespect that goes on; routine episiotomies (cutting the perineum often to the anus), not allowing them to walk around or use gravity to labour or birth, being able to feel pain during the episiotomy suturing and during c-section!!! women have been reported to wiggle their feet and toes yet the doctors respond “what did you expect, birth is supposed to hurt”. pressure, sure, but not pain.
Brook & Makenna watched a couple c-sections one shift, where the doctor not only pulled out the woman’s uterus & ovaries, but her intestines as well. they described that the doctor just shoved everything in when it all refused to stay put. one of the women was asked out during surgery, people power trip and seem to have a total disconnect from the birthing women and they speak casually about their social lives, while a woman is going through her right of passage. women are continuously bothered and asked redundant questions, constantly being called back from the cosmos; their comfort, thoughts and feelings are of no concern.
a husband told them “please don’t leave my wife” upon entering the OR. and today, Makenna was refused to attend a woman’s c-section after spending 18hrs with her, only because the hospital was out of clean green OR scrubs; the woman cried out for Makenna, while she was wheeled down the hall. the grandma was waiting in the waiting room and had entrusted a small charm bracelet to place on the baby after being born. the nurse wouldn’t do it; such a small act. they snuff our nurturing as strange, because they’ve not witnessed it before. the grandma & Makenna cried together after she explained what had occurred. doulas aren’t ¨permitted¨ yet either (despite the law that was passed in Feb/06), so these women labour alone and they are so grateful for having us there. when Sunday is asked to give talks, they’re referred to as “giving birth humanely” whereas the hospital births are called “institutional birth”.
even when someone biologically knows one thing is better, the action is still disregarded and patterns & protocol run deep. don’t get me wrong, North America has their own protocols, (we’re addicted to taking heart tones & call everything fetal distress!) but maybe more families know their “rights” and that they have choice to say no. tonight, Isabelle (woman in class) attended her first birth…and she got to catch the baby! when they asked her to perform an episiotomy (which is done on all ¨primips¨/1st time moms in Cusco), the baby’s head was crowning and she tried stalling then eventually said it isn’t done in the USA. the nurse became nervous & did it anyway. Isabelle wouldn’t have done it even if she knew how… a lot of this feels violating, like a crime against the wisdom of birth. a couple of the clinics think we’re in between 3rd – 5th year oby students (lol) since midwifery although is totally legal, isn´t as highly regarded by the hospitals as obstetrics.
I’ve been contemplating privilege this week and how I can use my own. I’ve fantasized for years over opening a birth center, but it seems like too much red tape in Vancouver. being in the circle of so many powerful women right now, I know it’s possible to practice in a group while maintaining, sustaining and enhancing the purity of the creation. Whapio (my teacher) is so effective at bringing different women holding similar creation together. why would I struggle to achieve something somewhere (Vanc) when it could be manifested in another country? I’ll never forget Sarah (midwife at The Midwifery Group) sharing her internship in Mexico with me. her ability to stop one routing episiotomy in a day seemed to out weigh the pampering that was going on back home. after her return while in a prenatal appointment, the woman’s main concern was which stroller to purchase, with a price level range going up to $1000.00. where can a real difference be made & appreciated, in the grand scheme of things? while I ranted yesterday afternoon to Whapio, in her grace she replied “Angela, it’s already done, we’re just taking the steps”.
I AM READY!!!! I am ready to step out of protocols, to nurture women the way I know is possible, and to bypass the institutions. what is created out of doing so much genetic testing or fetal monitoring? Christina has been working with an 80-year-old midwife from the jungle; this woman has NEVER taken heart tones in her life. when Christina enquired further the woman responded “don’t you think we’d know if there was a problem with the baby?” it was so humbling. and out of Whapio´s 25 years of practicing midwifery, she has only had one true case of fetal distress that transferred to the hospital. Zuki has had none. why the hell do we routinely take fetal heart tones while a woman is pushing??
after class yesterday I noticed “cold” sensations coming on and today it’s full-blown. I also began my moon today, no cramps, though lots of emotion. I’ve been so strong the past 2 weeks, but tonight I felt so lonely. Brook was doing dishes in the kitchen as I helped myself to some water. I started sobbing; she gave me a big hug and held me tightly while I let it all out. I’d been tearing up all day and needed the release.
Jan. 17th/09
my love is enough… i am understanding the depth of this personal statement. I’m walking where I’ve never been before, I’m taking right action, being invisible, being a woman, containing my energy, being who I need to be for me without competition with any other woman. i don’t need the lesson of trust, honesty or being faithful; I’m no longer a female in her 20’s – I’ve witnessed the 30 years wise woman within!! i know my choice and with whom my heart is bestowed. the burden of unharnessed energy is no longer mine. I know where my sexual energy belongs and flaunting it about is not the grace of a woman’s way. she knows it exists, she feels it in every moment, needs no recognition from the exterior to qualify her quality; she can shine comfortably, invisibly, as the universe flows through her being.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
a conscious journey...
Jan 9
I slept so well, around 4am I inserted my ear plugs so I’d not be woken up by the morning noise. the san pedro medicine was watched in shifts throughout the early morning, then strained. Jaydee, Emily (who knows Jennie) and her husband Matt arrived early this morning. the house is now complete, and full!
Liz, Rose, Aerina & I headed to San Blas to check out a few things. we stopped in to the coffee shop, had some fresh mango lassie and talked with a woman we’d purchased from 2 days ago. her name is Helga; she speaks a little English, a lot of Spanish, and mostly Quechua. she travels by bus 30km from outside of Cusco, to sell her goods in the expensive part of town. I bought a red woven belt from her the other day & today I watched how she makes them. I asked if I could take her photo, then gave her some change as an appreciation, and my camera died (!!!), so I borrowed Liz’s. most of the women I’ve met or seen have so much joy in their face! I gave her a kiss on the cheek, a hug & said so long for now.
we headed down the hill to the Coca Shop, run by a Peruvian man, Christo, who also spoke French and English. he’d been running the shop for 10 years, and won the Italian “slow food” award in 2002. think about what fast food represents – it’s the complete opposite! everything is hand made, everything!! and he only accepts soles, to honor his home. I whacked my head on the door hanging when I walked in, and immediately he started feeding me chocolate, lol. his shop carries coca chocolates, coca ice cream, coca brownies, cookies, etc.
Christo started explaining the molecular structure of everything found in nature compared to what we create in allopathic medicine and it was fascinating!! (he’s emailing me the excel spreadsheet-I thought more people should see this!) he said cocaine is to coca, as mescaline is to san pedro, as nicotine is to tobacco and caffeine is to coffee – it’s all nature made. he explained that coca turned into crack then white cocaine is all chemical processing (which I kinda knew, but not really – I mean how often do we speak openly about such things?). we all hung out for a bit chatting about everything. there was a woman in Italy doing research on the holistic benefits of coca and was later banned by the USDA and that it’s all regulated by the United Nations (of course it is, what a b.s. cover!) Utah Phillips (singer) said “people will always tell you what good you can do with dirty money”. the main benefits high calcium content, therefore osteoporosis is non existent in these women, and high vitamin E, so a lot of creams are made with it as well. it was another piece of preparing to tonight, and I’m sooooo excited!!
Whapio had a vision when she awoke from her nap that we were meant to stay at our house, to initiate the home and she felt the travel would be rough on those who’d only recently arrived. not everyone was planning on coming either so this way we were able to all be together. Having calc carb (homeo) tendencies, I was happy to stay home, lol. the only downfall was that Aaron, John and Abel weren’t necessarily coming and I really needed to dance to some good music.
we began the ceremony at 9pm and one cup was the usual dose, though some people started with ½ and had more later. Whapio asked the men to drink first (Eric, Matt & Cesar, who is our cook’s “Abbi’s”, boyfriend), then the two January 7th women simultaneously approached the table. we all shared from a few mugs (usually it’s one but their were so many of us) and began singing songs. I sat quietly and grounded inside with my mug before welcoming the plant into my mouth and body. San Pedro didn’t taste bad, it’s just bitter and our taste buds are no longer adapted to such flavors. drinking became a bit more difficult as I got to the end of the cup & couldn’t finish.
I could first feel it my third eye, then gently flowing through my blood. a fire had been started outside but I stayed in near the space heater to keep warm. Lori and I chatted a little; she’s one of the women I’ve naturally felt drawn to. we spoke about our individual paths of midwifery and everything that has been leading up to this moment. Lori needed to purge and went to a washroom close by. Makenna entered the room shortly after asking if everyone was okay, then left. What defines being okay? I was reminded that the definition varies between people. if Makenna had heard Lori, she most likely would’ve been concerned, but Lori was actually welcoming the cleanse!
the thoughts began flowing in about control. I remembered mom telling me she was never drawn to drugs because she didn’t enjoy feeling out of control; where had I picked that up along the way and what was mine and what was hers? dad was quite comfortable, but his side of the family tends to excess, so where was the middle ground? I’m learning to navigate this realm, to master my body and drop the fear losing control. my desire to write and photograph was one method I used to keep me in my head, and if I went to sleep, I’d only be avoiding what san pedro had to offer me.
Sitting in the living room with my eyes closed, I stepped into my body and everything was soooo clear. everything was shifting too quickly to articulate; everything was in rainbow (the Incan flag), fine lines, so much geometry and the images were symmetrical. I’d like to paint what I saw. I wasn’t seeing anything when my eyes were open, it wasn’t like that, only when I was within. there was an a bird that looked prehistoric then changed into a dove, then a butterfly, that flew out of this circular kaleidoscope crystal. everything was pitch black, except for every animal I saw on this journey was in rainbow. the crystal’s insides fell into the end of the universe; control had dropped out of the centre, leaving only the frame, and I was pulled to leave my mind.
I thought “if I fully let go of my body/needs, I may leave my body behind, I may die”. But, I was being told to let go of my own subtle layers of control, to completely let go. I’m always trying to manage my mind, manage others, be so premeditated in my speech that very little is authentic. even if what I want to say is true, it’s very rarely emerging from my mouth for the 1st time. there’s a difference between thinking something through before speaking and being calculated in every action. I don’t think I’d completely lost my ability to be spontaneous, but this journey is to see my hidden layers.
I gave much thanks to Bez, as he was the one who properly introduced hallucinogenics into my world (I guess that’s why I’d waited to experiment until I was older). The environment is so key; create a clean sacred space, have proper nourishment, the right music, a supply of water, the right people, an intention, and a willingness/agreement with the plant. “thank you Bezzy, my shaman of darkness, I love you!” I wished he’d been on the journey as well, but I had to let that go eventually too.
I got really cold and went upstairs to grab more layers. it was raining on and off, but I wasn’t ready to go outside yet. i grabbed my journal, began drawing and enjoyed some time alone. when I went back downstairs, one group of people were talking a lot. of course i blurted out “you guys are talking a lot”, I typically speak the truth bluntly. because I’d just recognized my own mind, I wanted others to also be conscious of where they were acting from, which is another form of control if someone isn’t ready. taking san pedro was serious and sacred for me…clearly, I’m not in the same process as everyone else.
a lot was coming up around the masculine, perhaps before san pedro is a masculine plant, where as ayahuasca is a feminine plant. in that quietness within, I thought of H…there have been many times where he doesn’t need to explain something to me (even though I want him too), and he’s grounded inside of himself. I’ve experienced many men to be this way, but it became clear, no matter what, I know me and I don’t need to explain myself to anyone! In that state I saw how I really don’t know him at all and how in love I am with him. just because he is one way for a certain period of time does not mean that is who he is. I certainly feel a lot of shift within and would hate to remain the same forever.
Aaron arrived, then Abel, his wife Maria and their daughter and Abel’s cousin John. the rain had passed, I took a sheep’s skin onto the lawn and sat in front of the fire listening to the amazing music. whoever coined the term “come to your senses” must have been trying to pull someone into their head/mind. it couldn’t have been to assist them back to their true self. I became present to how amazing it is to be me and to know myself! and to be a woman! I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world :)
past life memories began to surface and it became clear to me why Abel would be the one to tattoo me, why I’ve waited so long; I’ve known him before. and the idea of ever trying to capture a tattoo as intricate and alive as what my mind can see is a pretty tough feat, so I dropped that too. “a tattoo is only as permanent as this body is” – Ani Difranco.
I was continuously visited by the snake, butterfly, different sorts of birds that shifted into bats, the turtle and the spider. Lori and I danced most of the night. Abel played the didgeridoo, Maria drummed, Aaron played a large wooden flute, John also drummed. everything became part of the music; Abel’s circular breathing noises, the moments where he was drumming and would make “chsss, chsss, tsss, tsss” noises and Lori who rhythmically would say “okay okay” with her eyes closed. this one song played for about an hour. wood constantly fed the fire and the rain began to come on strong. everything and everyone was soaking. you could see drops of water pouring off the didgeridoo when John was playing it.
I brought the lambskin inside along with my alpaca slippers, rolled up my white pant legs, took off my leg warmers, put my blue hood on, and stepped barefoot into the grass – it was time to dance! I embraced the rain and all the animals I felt within. I was clear that just being a woman, a woman in her power is sexual. I don’t need to do anything with it, but it was good to be aware of my natural “arking” with all that was living and breathing in my surroundings. the snake had me moving as though it was emerging and I’d often let out a loud shamanic breath. everything was so familiar. Aaron asked Christina “isn’t she the one who had bad altitude sickness the other day?” lol, always rising.
the rooster began to rise then eventually the 1st bird followed. it’s one bird that flies back and forth singing, trying to cover as much land as possible to awaken other birds – now I know how it’s done. the sky was getting light and I ran inside to cut up some fresh passion fruit and melon to share. all were grateful while we sat quietly allowing our tastebuds to explode and our bodies to hydrate. we were running low on wood and began burning random scraps in the yard.
it’s a frightening thing to think of another land as my home – what do I do with this information? it’s only been one week though, but I could see myself apprenticing here long term. I spoke and said “when I’m ready to die, this is the place in time I’m coming back to”.
Jan. 10
I went to sleep at 6:30am and rose at 5pm – I’d be sleep deprived without my ear plugs! we all sat in circle and did introductions. i had the best mango i´ve even had for dinner, along with a lot of fresh vegetables; long green beans, the largest bunch of cilantro, the spiciest basil and tasty tomatoes. tomorrow we go over our schedules and do some altering as there’ve been changes at the clinic I was going to be assisting at. i crawled into bed and watched Miyazaki´s ¨Ponyo¨.
Jan. 11
i picked up more sustanance from the San Pedro market; felt wonderful and conscious all day. we sorted our clinic and class schedules for the next month as well, since everything begins tomorrow!! i´ll still be assisting at la Posta Belen Pampa; the turnover is slower than the hospitals, but it feels right to be there. and i dropped one shift so i´ll only be doing 4 instead of 5. most people are doing 2-3. a bunch of us headed down to la placa de armes for dinner. the best part was a purple corn which is juiced, sweetened, then i added some lime to it.
I slept so well, around 4am I inserted my ear plugs so I’d not be woken up by the morning noise. the san pedro medicine was watched in shifts throughout the early morning, then strained. Jaydee, Emily (who knows Jennie) and her husband Matt arrived early this morning. the house is now complete, and full!
Liz, Rose, Aerina & I headed to San Blas to check out a few things. we stopped in to the coffee shop, had some fresh mango lassie and talked with a woman we’d purchased from 2 days ago. her name is Helga; she speaks a little English, a lot of Spanish, and mostly Quechua. she travels by bus 30km from outside of Cusco, to sell her goods in the expensive part of town. I bought a red woven belt from her the other day & today I watched how she makes them. I asked if I could take her photo, then gave her some change as an appreciation, and my camera died (!!!), so I borrowed Liz’s. most of the women I’ve met or seen have so much joy in their face! I gave her a kiss on the cheek, a hug & said so long for now.
we headed down the hill to the Coca Shop, run by a Peruvian man, Christo, who also spoke French and English. he’d been running the shop for 10 years, and won the Italian “slow food” award in 2002. think about what fast food represents – it’s the complete opposite! everything is hand made, everything!! and he only accepts soles, to honor his home. I whacked my head on the door hanging when I walked in, and immediately he started feeding me chocolate, lol. his shop carries coca chocolates, coca ice cream, coca brownies, cookies, etc.
Christo started explaining the molecular structure of everything found in nature compared to what we create in allopathic medicine and it was fascinating!! (he’s emailing me the excel spreadsheet-I thought more people should see this!) he said cocaine is to coca, as mescaline is to san pedro, as nicotine is to tobacco and caffeine is to coffee – it’s all nature made. he explained that coca turned into crack then white cocaine is all chemical processing (which I kinda knew, but not really – I mean how often do we speak openly about such things?). we all hung out for a bit chatting about everything. there was a woman in Italy doing research on the holistic benefits of coca and was later banned by the USDA and that it’s all regulated by the United Nations (of course it is, what a b.s. cover!) Utah Phillips (singer) said “people will always tell you what good you can do with dirty money”. the main benefits high calcium content, therefore osteoporosis is non existent in these women, and high vitamin E, so a lot of creams are made with it as well. it was another piece of preparing to tonight, and I’m sooooo excited!!
Whapio had a vision when she awoke from her nap that we were meant to stay at our house, to initiate the home and she felt the travel would be rough on those who’d only recently arrived. not everyone was planning on coming either so this way we were able to all be together. Having calc carb (homeo) tendencies, I was happy to stay home, lol. the only downfall was that Aaron, John and Abel weren’t necessarily coming and I really needed to dance to some good music.
we began the ceremony at 9pm and one cup was the usual dose, though some people started with ½ and had more later. Whapio asked the men to drink first (Eric, Matt & Cesar, who is our cook’s “Abbi’s”, boyfriend), then the two January 7th women simultaneously approached the table. we all shared from a few mugs (usually it’s one but their were so many of us) and began singing songs. I sat quietly and grounded inside with my mug before welcoming the plant into my mouth and body. San Pedro didn’t taste bad, it’s just bitter and our taste buds are no longer adapted to such flavors. drinking became a bit more difficult as I got to the end of the cup & couldn’t finish.
I could first feel it my third eye, then gently flowing through my blood. a fire had been started outside but I stayed in near the space heater to keep warm. Lori and I chatted a little; she’s one of the women I’ve naturally felt drawn to. we spoke about our individual paths of midwifery and everything that has been leading up to this moment. Lori needed to purge and went to a washroom close by. Makenna entered the room shortly after asking if everyone was okay, then left. What defines being okay? I was reminded that the definition varies between people. if Makenna had heard Lori, she most likely would’ve been concerned, but Lori was actually welcoming the cleanse!
the thoughts began flowing in about control. I remembered mom telling me she was never drawn to drugs because she didn’t enjoy feeling out of control; where had I picked that up along the way and what was mine and what was hers? dad was quite comfortable, but his side of the family tends to excess, so where was the middle ground? I’m learning to navigate this realm, to master my body and drop the fear losing control. my desire to write and photograph was one method I used to keep me in my head, and if I went to sleep, I’d only be avoiding what san pedro had to offer me.
Sitting in the living room with my eyes closed, I stepped into my body and everything was soooo clear. everything was shifting too quickly to articulate; everything was in rainbow (the Incan flag), fine lines, so much geometry and the images were symmetrical. I’d like to paint what I saw. I wasn’t seeing anything when my eyes were open, it wasn’t like that, only when I was within. there was an a bird that looked prehistoric then changed into a dove, then a butterfly, that flew out of this circular kaleidoscope crystal. everything was pitch black, except for every animal I saw on this journey was in rainbow. the crystal’s insides fell into the end of the universe; control had dropped out of the centre, leaving only the frame, and I was pulled to leave my mind.
I thought “if I fully let go of my body/needs, I may leave my body behind, I may die”. But, I was being told to let go of my own subtle layers of control, to completely let go. I’m always trying to manage my mind, manage others, be so premeditated in my speech that very little is authentic. even if what I want to say is true, it’s very rarely emerging from my mouth for the 1st time. there’s a difference between thinking something through before speaking and being calculated in every action. I don’t think I’d completely lost my ability to be spontaneous, but this journey is to see my hidden layers.
I gave much thanks to Bez, as he was the one who properly introduced hallucinogenics into my world (I guess that’s why I’d waited to experiment until I was older). The environment is so key; create a clean sacred space, have proper nourishment, the right music, a supply of water, the right people, an intention, and a willingness/agreement with the plant. “thank you Bezzy, my shaman of darkness, I love you!” I wished he’d been on the journey as well, but I had to let that go eventually too.
I got really cold and went upstairs to grab more layers. it was raining on and off, but I wasn’t ready to go outside yet. i grabbed my journal, began drawing and enjoyed some time alone. when I went back downstairs, one group of people were talking a lot. of course i blurted out “you guys are talking a lot”, I typically speak the truth bluntly. because I’d just recognized my own mind, I wanted others to also be conscious of where they were acting from, which is another form of control if someone isn’t ready. taking san pedro was serious and sacred for me…clearly, I’m not in the same process as everyone else.
a lot was coming up around the masculine, perhaps before san pedro is a masculine plant, where as ayahuasca is a feminine plant. in that quietness within, I thought of H…there have been many times where he doesn’t need to explain something to me (even though I want him too), and he’s grounded inside of himself. I’ve experienced many men to be this way, but it became clear, no matter what, I know me and I don’t need to explain myself to anyone! In that state I saw how I really don’t know him at all and how in love I am with him. just because he is one way for a certain period of time does not mean that is who he is. I certainly feel a lot of shift within and would hate to remain the same forever.
Aaron arrived, then Abel, his wife Maria and their daughter and Abel’s cousin John. the rain had passed, I took a sheep’s skin onto the lawn and sat in front of the fire listening to the amazing music. whoever coined the term “come to your senses” must have been trying to pull someone into their head/mind. it couldn’t have been to assist them back to their true self. I became present to how amazing it is to be me and to know myself! and to be a woman! I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world :)
past life memories began to surface and it became clear to me why Abel would be the one to tattoo me, why I’ve waited so long; I’ve known him before. and the idea of ever trying to capture a tattoo as intricate and alive as what my mind can see is a pretty tough feat, so I dropped that too. “a tattoo is only as permanent as this body is” – Ani Difranco.
I was continuously visited by the snake, butterfly, different sorts of birds that shifted into bats, the turtle and the spider. Lori and I danced most of the night. Abel played the didgeridoo, Maria drummed, Aaron played a large wooden flute, John also drummed. everything became part of the music; Abel’s circular breathing noises, the moments where he was drumming and would make “chsss, chsss, tsss, tsss” noises and Lori who rhythmically would say “okay okay” with her eyes closed. this one song played for about an hour. wood constantly fed the fire and the rain began to come on strong. everything and everyone was soaking. you could see drops of water pouring off the didgeridoo when John was playing it.
I brought the lambskin inside along with my alpaca slippers, rolled up my white pant legs, took off my leg warmers, put my blue hood on, and stepped barefoot into the grass – it was time to dance! I embraced the rain and all the animals I felt within. I was clear that just being a woman, a woman in her power is sexual. I don’t need to do anything with it, but it was good to be aware of my natural “arking” with all that was living and breathing in my surroundings. the snake had me moving as though it was emerging and I’d often let out a loud shamanic breath. everything was so familiar. Aaron asked Christina “isn’t she the one who had bad altitude sickness the other day?” lol, always rising.
the rooster began to rise then eventually the 1st bird followed. it’s one bird that flies back and forth singing, trying to cover as much land as possible to awaken other birds – now I know how it’s done. the sky was getting light and I ran inside to cut up some fresh passion fruit and melon to share. all were grateful while we sat quietly allowing our tastebuds to explode and our bodies to hydrate. we were running low on wood and began burning random scraps in the yard.
it’s a frightening thing to think of another land as my home – what do I do with this information? it’s only been one week though, but I could see myself apprenticing here long term. I spoke and said “when I’m ready to die, this is the place in time I’m coming back to”.
Jan. 10
I went to sleep at 6:30am and rose at 5pm – I’d be sleep deprived without my ear plugs! we all sat in circle and did introductions. i had the best mango i´ve even had for dinner, along with a lot of fresh vegetables; long green beans, the largest bunch of cilantro, the spiciest basil and tasty tomatoes. tomorrow we go over our schedules and do some altering as there’ve been changes at the clinic I was going to be assisting at. i crawled into bed and watched Miyazaki´s ¨Ponyo¨.
Jan. 11
i picked up more sustanance from the San Pedro market; felt wonderful and conscious all day. we sorted our clinic and class schedules for the next month as well, since everything begins tomorrow!! i´ll still be assisting at la Posta Belen Pampa; the turnover is slower than the hospitals, but it feels right to be there. and i dropped one shift so i´ll only be doing 4 instead of 5. most people are doing 2-3. a bunch of us headed down to la placa de armes for dinner. the best part was a purple corn which is juiced, sweetened, then i added some lime to it.
Friday, January 9, 2009
unravelling
Jan 8
i didn’t turn the lights off until 2:30am this morning – it’s so wonderful to be writing again, it feeds my soul! I slept well in my new abode, and dosed through the morning continuously peering over to see if Rose was still sleeping, using her as my alarm clock, since she never slept late. When I got up, i was ready to engage the day, feeling fresh! there was a new sensation brewing, like a door was now permanently ajar, and I knew what I had to do for me.
I got ready, then buzzed downstairs to see who was heading out and where they were going. the Artisan’s market & San Pedro market were on my list, which was where Scout & Aerina were heading, so Rose and I joined to share a taxi. I felt weird vibes, as if S & A wanted to hang alone, but when I checked in they said it was “all good”. how do I interact with another’s initial impression & their subconscious behaviours? what a pain to sift through b.s. when words and actions aren’t congruent. I always ask H to be honest with me, even if the truth stings for a moment or hour, but at least I can deal with that within me. if it’s b.s., then i act in response to a lie. of course, my goal is to be independent of all that, it’s just taking a bit to work out my own schnae.
Looking past all that, i immediately knew it was my vibe; I was dependent on them to geographically get me to where I had to go. I’d already closed the door on my morning inspiration. I can no longer go with another’s flow, even if it’s what I was also intending – I must claim it for my own & step forward.
the entire morning was filled with observing subtle reactions, disregarding another’s energy knowing it wanted something from me. I was eating a piece of fruit that’s now in season, and someone asked me about it, but I didn’t offer any. I distract enough so that I won’t be asked to share & then wonder how I would feel if I let that game go and really, why am I playing it in the first place? I observe myself smoothing over where i am internally pacifying, ½ smiling at other’s remarks to me, but not being present to my action until a moment later.
I started looking at when my own actions and/or speech are inauthentic, what is transcribed in the world? others react to my falseness (even if they think it’s real) and that is reflected as what I carry myself to be in the moment. then I continue to create my image as that and begin to not only relate to it as my truth but defend it when challenged! wow, that’s super f-ed up!
all I’m supposed to be is me. that is all I can be. it reminds me of some insights I had in October while doing discipline 2 “I always felt I was missing out on my life, because I was rarely there. I was never good enough to be me & would fantasize about being someone else”, “existence didn’t give me this life for me to give it away or so that someone else would live it for me”. Re-patterning is a waste of time, a full extraction is necessary, cold turkey. what a great time to be alone, checking in to see where i’m at inside. some of the girls talk so much & I wonder why they’re even speaking. when I feel judgment coming on, I know it’s time to look inward.
one of the rooms downstairs flooded this afternoon. the tap was seriously flowing, and when Eric couldn’t figure out where the outside water pipe was located minutes later, I ran upstairs to turn off one of the shower water sources. another lesson: as soon as I heard Isabelle cry “my room is leaking” I denied listening to the answer that was immediately spoken inside. the frequency of my lack of action in these moments is dwindling, but still there nonetheless, which could one day be life-threatening.
5 more women arrived today: Isabelle, Liz, Zuki, Melina and Lori. I wasn’t in a chatty mood today. Liz moved into the attic with Rose & i. I hung out alone for a few hrs, then the music began. the san pedro had been peeled by the women of the house, Whapio, Christina, Arun (leather worker, handy at everything), Abel (tattoo artist, amazing didgeridoo player, shaman as well) his wife, children, other friends. it’s a celebration which occurs every full moon, but since our class is busy on Saturday night, the ceremony has been moved to Friday night.
the very outside of the cactus is peeled (the waxy part) then the top green layer of skin is boiled for 8 hours along with some coca leaf. the inner meat isn’t used as it’s quite upsetting to the stomach. sage & other sacred herbs were being burned & Abel did some other work over the stove as things began. Whapio & Liz lead us in song, just like class in Bellingham, then the jimbaes & didgeridoo came out. it’s amazing what can be created by only 2 drums and 1 didgeridoo!!! i video recorded one song; it’s pitch black, you can only see the fire burning in our front yard garden, but the music was great. it’s 1am and the fire is still going and the music is still playing loudly. most are sleeping through it, some are wearing ear plugs, I can hear Ukiah crying every now & again. it’s been 2 days of creation and ceremony to prepare for tomorrow. we even had a large rat run in through the front door, that was boxed up & put outside our main wall… all one could hear from the outside was women screaming, lol.
i didn’t turn the lights off until 2:30am this morning – it’s so wonderful to be writing again, it feeds my soul! I slept well in my new abode, and dosed through the morning continuously peering over to see if Rose was still sleeping, using her as my alarm clock, since she never slept late. When I got up, i was ready to engage the day, feeling fresh! there was a new sensation brewing, like a door was now permanently ajar, and I knew what I had to do for me.
I got ready, then buzzed downstairs to see who was heading out and where they were going. the Artisan’s market & San Pedro market were on my list, which was where Scout & Aerina were heading, so Rose and I joined to share a taxi. I felt weird vibes, as if S & A wanted to hang alone, but when I checked in they said it was “all good”. how do I interact with another’s initial impression & their subconscious behaviours? what a pain to sift through b.s. when words and actions aren’t congruent. I always ask H to be honest with me, even if the truth stings for a moment or hour, but at least I can deal with that within me. if it’s b.s., then i act in response to a lie. of course, my goal is to be independent of all that, it’s just taking a bit to work out my own schnae.
Looking past all that, i immediately knew it was my vibe; I was dependent on them to geographically get me to where I had to go. I’d already closed the door on my morning inspiration. I can no longer go with another’s flow, even if it’s what I was also intending – I must claim it for my own & step forward.
the entire morning was filled with observing subtle reactions, disregarding another’s energy knowing it wanted something from me. I was eating a piece of fruit that’s now in season, and someone asked me about it, but I didn’t offer any. I distract enough so that I won’t be asked to share & then wonder how I would feel if I let that game go and really, why am I playing it in the first place? I observe myself smoothing over where i am internally pacifying, ½ smiling at other’s remarks to me, but not being present to my action until a moment later.
I started looking at when my own actions and/or speech are inauthentic, what is transcribed in the world? others react to my falseness (even if they think it’s real) and that is reflected as what I carry myself to be in the moment. then I continue to create my image as that and begin to not only relate to it as my truth but defend it when challenged! wow, that’s super f-ed up!
all I’m supposed to be is me. that is all I can be. it reminds me of some insights I had in October while doing discipline 2 “I always felt I was missing out on my life, because I was rarely there. I was never good enough to be me & would fantasize about being someone else”, “existence didn’t give me this life for me to give it away or so that someone else would live it for me”. Re-patterning is a waste of time, a full extraction is necessary, cold turkey. what a great time to be alone, checking in to see where i’m at inside. some of the girls talk so much & I wonder why they’re even speaking. when I feel judgment coming on, I know it’s time to look inward.
one of the rooms downstairs flooded this afternoon. the tap was seriously flowing, and when Eric couldn’t figure out where the outside water pipe was located minutes later, I ran upstairs to turn off one of the shower water sources. another lesson: as soon as I heard Isabelle cry “my room is leaking” I denied listening to the answer that was immediately spoken inside. the frequency of my lack of action in these moments is dwindling, but still there nonetheless, which could one day be life-threatening.
5 more women arrived today: Isabelle, Liz, Zuki, Melina and Lori. I wasn’t in a chatty mood today. Liz moved into the attic with Rose & i. I hung out alone for a few hrs, then the music began. the san pedro had been peeled by the women of the house, Whapio, Christina, Arun (leather worker, handy at everything), Abel (tattoo artist, amazing didgeridoo player, shaman as well) his wife, children, other friends. it’s a celebration which occurs every full moon, but since our class is busy on Saturday night, the ceremony has been moved to Friday night.
the very outside of the cactus is peeled (the waxy part) then the top green layer of skin is boiled for 8 hours along with some coca leaf. the inner meat isn’t used as it’s quite upsetting to the stomach. sage & other sacred herbs were being burned & Abel did some other work over the stove as things began. Whapio & Liz lead us in song, just like class in Bellingham, then the jimbaes & didgeridoo came out. it’s amazing what can be created by only 2 drums and 1 didgeridoo!!! i video recorded one song; it’s pitch black, you can only see the fire burning in our front yard garden, but the music was great. it’s 1am and the fire is still going and the music is still playing loudly. most are sleeping through it, some are wearing ear plugs, I can hear Ukiah crying every now & again. it’s been 2 days of creation and ceremony to prepare for tomorrow. we even had a large rat run in through the front door, that was boxed up & put outside our main wall… all one could hear from the outside was women screaming, lol.
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